Roll Call 198

I found this discord server with people who are like nonbinary and transgender and I’m feeling out some chats and it’s working okay. I always feel that no one pays attention to me because I’m awkward and weird. I get ignored a lot in chats. Which is why sometimes I suspect I might be a little bit autistic? Idk. Something I should talk to my doctor about.

Speaking of! I see my doctor on the 23rd.

I’ve been having an okay day. I had a salad for lunch, then chips and Buffalo ranch dip (from Costco it was okay) and then I’m going out for dinner later (not sure if I’ll get a burger or a soup).

Also random, I have this almost purple spot by my nose and it’s been there for like a week and my immediate worry is I have skin cancer. Trying to be less worried about that. If it’s still there when I see my doctor I’ll mention it.

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My anxiety has gotten worse over the day. Weird because I only had one caffeinated coffee all day when I normally have 3-4 a day. Trying to cut back.

I just feel extremely irritable and like I want to punch something or cry.

Anyway I finished Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman. It was really good.

I need to distract myself. Maybe I should paint. Idk. It’s 6pm. Is 6pm too late to start? I feel like it isn’t but am not sure.

Honestly my mind goes and I’m so worried I have skin cancer now. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me with this mark on my face.

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My mom has had skin cancer or "suspicious spots" - And gets them removed all of the time.. I have one on my nose (Seems okay? idk..)

Make an appointment with doctor that can look ASAP - All you can do...

Today has been a super good day for me.

I woke up really late though - Got out of bed at 3pm. I took the 60mg of Vyvanse + 20mg of Dexedrine, then the other 20mg an hour later - Good focus.

I've managed to be a little productive, enjoying the day......

I want to get back into reading books. Starting to meditate - Is such a big deal, so difficult... It's just that I wish the world wasn't like this...

Just wondering, "Is there a future?" - And I guess I could adapt, and go somewhere... Ask people for help (Money, etc..) and do anything... I hate how I'm an empath, and hate to see other people suffering so much... I want to do something about it too + Learn, have fun...

No psychosis (Apart from the CSIS burning my brain in my dreams like a CD) - And then find out that they are releasing information recently about the Canadian PM.. It's basically the "Canadian CIA".

And all of this stuff is weird to me - Interesting... Like listening to journalists about corruption and deep, deep conspiracies.. I just want to know truth etc.. Find the deepest meaning to how things work - Cuz meaning is all around me... Hyper fixating on it + "novelty", like being at a carnival.. And it's basically what I'm preparing for (With DMT) - The deepest dream of all dreams in reality.

I do this to myself.. idk why. But I'll figure it out. And listening to JBP (About getting my life together etc... It helps - He seems to me, undeniably like, a modern prophet - Him and "Sadhguru" etc .. ), all of these people.. Finding meaning, putting it all together (With my very low IQ)

I'm getting a migraine. I took some medicine and then a coworker is going to get me a coffee. Sometimes caffeine helps.

I was supposed to see my doctor on the 24th but I changed it and got an appointment for this Friday morning because I’m worried about the splotch on my face.

I also have an appointment with the allergist on Monday because a possibility is it might be a rash from lamotrigine (it doesn’t look like the rash I see online and hasn’t spread).

So hopefully someone can help answer what this is. It’s just there it hasn’t spread or got less noticeable or anything.

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Migraine is pretty much gone. Yay.

Update: looks like it’s an allergic reaction more than anything. Going to have to stop the lamotrigine. Sigh.

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Been dissociating the past 3 hours

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I think the Bob Ross channel is still on Pluto tv, if you feel like checking that out. Of course there's probably a ton of stuff on YouTube too.

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Thanks that’s a good idea! It is still on there. I will put it on , he’s very relaxing to watch

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Invega Trinza 525mg today.

My dopamine will be drained. This isn't what God wanted for me =]

I got freaked out by news. Took 5mg of diazepam, all is okay.

I want to make a reading goal (With books) - At this point, I'm okay with being confused AF and then suddenly dying, somehow.

But in the meantime, I want to try and fix my life, learn, etc... And hopefully things will figure themselves out.

I was reading some things about chemistry... and I'll watch YouTube videos about it as well.. I want to make a blog eventually.

So.. many things..

I have so much pent up emotions. I wish I could just cry and cry.

Hugs, Des.

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Glad your migraine is gone, migraines really are miserable

Thanks Blue_Bird.

Having a rough morning this morning. Not sure if I should let my T know.

Let them know…waiting too long just makes things worse….

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