Roll Call 198

I was apathetic since I was traumatized. So I don't know. Nothing makes sense. I really mean that. Everything is complete nonsense. I don't care. I don't know who I am. Life is too much work. I've been bossed around all of my life. I'm tired of it to death. Even my mom, everyone just tells me what to do and what I'm doing wrong. I want all of existence to stop. I want death to all of this hallucination.

I actually feel better just venting, and whatever is wearing off/kicking in. Yeah I know, I'm not allowed to mention anything. But even drug servers, mods say "You're doing it dangerously" - That's what I mean by people assuming ****.

I'm tired of it all. No one seems to be real or have a consciousness.

It's all ego. I don't judge anyone. I'm in a white room of isolation.

Or think that I know what I'm talking about. I never do.

I'm ready to burn my life again. I tried. No one should help me. Just let me die. I deserve it. At least I hung onto life as best as I could.

But then there's all of existence.. 50% will be heaven + it will be warped even more depending on the direction , of where ever I am and where I'm going.

I feel less confused. I'm not deleting anything anymore.. Just read, and move on. It doesn't matter. I'm like an AI.

I'm feeling much better..

But Roll Call is now dead.. And I am the last one, alone...

Don’t really have much planned for this week. Just work. Idk.

Next week I go for a blood test. And have a massage on Saturday.

Then the week after I have two doctor appointments. One on Tuesday with my regular doctor, and one on Wednesday with another doctor (he’s been my go to about sarcoidosis so it’s a follow up on that).

That’s pretty much my entire month actually.

Well, this Friday is Good Friday so we’ll have meatless (I’m going to make seafood pasta). And lamb on Sunday. Sometime in there watch the Ten Commandments. It’s a movie about Passover, not Easter. But it’s tradition.

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Hey Desoxyn , I’m glad you’re feeling better

I’m still here just had a crazy busy few days and also been sleeping a lot recently , so I haven’t been on as much but I’ll try to be on more

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My friend/ old bf and I have been talking on the phone every evening for a couple hours straight. Like over call not text. It’s so nice to have someone to talk to, we’ve just been catching up and it’s nice. We’ve been discussing music, and just anything else that comes up, he plays guitar, I play ukulele. It’s like we have endless things to talk about, it’s a lot of fun. I feel less lonely.

Anyway, I’ve been watching the John Wick movies , I’m partway through the 3rd one now. Probably waiting for the 4th one to come out digitally because I don’t want to pay to go to the theater and pay for expensive drinks and snacks. It’s expensive and adds up fast. Rather just watch it at home when it’s released, at my leisure.

Tomorrow I have to go to my volunteer job , it will be my first day on my own without help. Hopefully it goes well.

I’ve been doing well mentally, my mood is good, I haven’t been dissociating or super anxious. All in all things are good. Not sure what I’m doing for Easter. Might see my sister, see if she wants to come over for coffee or something.

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I must have had some high blood pressure last night (Cuz of Noopept, ket + 3 stimulants). I lied in bed for 2+ hours, then put 0.25mg of clonazepam under my tongue, fell asleep.

I'm not a normal psychiatric patient.

But I am alive today. That is is all. I see psychiatrist in 2 hours.

All of this doesn't really matter so don't take it seriously SP. All is good.

Working on the resume next week witht he career readiness instructor then will start applying to jobs, I've got 4-5 places in mind I'm planning on applying to

Hope you find a job that suits you Blue Bird!

Thanks Boots! It's great to see you

I'm lost in a maze. But it's a fun maze.

Nothing lasts. Nothing. But love possibly.

All I do is talk about my ex step dad and what he did to me. I have to find a better way to solve the issue. Venting obviously doesn't help. It's ingrained into my dying soul. I'm literally dying, venting on a fake support forum. Well, I take that back.., most people care, and aren't inadvertently trying to manipulate me into being hospitalized or something - So I'll try to let it go.

The mods also have this same contempt for me as well.

"We're not deleting your account because we know that you'll just make a new one. If you want to stop posting here, just take a break or stop".

But the problem is that all of my posts aren't anonymous. I want them to be anonymous. And if I get banned? - It'll still have my name here, where anyone can just easily search up all of my posts (I think).

So I just keep posting. So someone better ****ing fix this. I'm tortured as ****. SP has known me for like almost a decade. She's not going to change her opinion on how I'm scum, or even the mods - That I'm some person glorifying drugs, or that my people think my personality is just drugs.

The fact is that I have a different opinion about addiction. Things will get better for me as I've been much better off, continuing to follow what I think is the right path, following my heart. That drugs can heal trauma, or even psychedelics for addiction itself, etc.

Or my opinions about fasting - Yeah.. Anorexia is a real illness - And the way to break that pattern is through compassion, being careful or maybe not mentioning it to them until society changes (Because its a dysfunctional solidified pattern, a pathology). It's always until society progresses.. about these things..

But I'm done. There's many other things. Even the psychedelic community is super touchy about someone with a schizophrenia diagnosis taking psychedelics. But I bet people eventually won't, whether non-hallucinogenic derivatives are made in the future... or w/e. A cure.

And my doctor says the most simple stuff - I KNOW it helps. I'm trying to do the right things. It's just super messy. I procrastinate, and struggle like everyone about the same things.

Sure, some delusions of grandeur. Who cares. It's balanced. I'm not causing trouble for anyone, I'm just thinking. That's all I'm doing is THINKING. Because I find it hard to ****ing do things out of paralysis and maybe nihilism? Who would ****ing guess after what happened. It's PTSD.

"Oh then why don't you just take MDMA?" - I took it when I didn't even know that I was needing to integrate another traumatic weirdness in the psych ward. I was isolated and neglected, and didn't know any better. I didn't ****ing know what to do. I'm still learning.

And the.. waiting for MDMA psychotherapy, again.. for society to progress + I get heart palpitations from SSRIs. So not a good idea, to do all of these things myself.

But that's all I had. I was left in the dark. It was all deceitful, hidden evil. And it happened to everyone I GUESS. Everyone's on their phone, not talking to each other or connecting IRL. It's a mess.

And then the searching about what it all means, what it is.. I did that for a few years - But I seek more. I try to balance it, the way it's supposed to be.. Or whatever chemicals my brain can form long term about that type of balance.. But in the end, people can make up what ever they want. There's no such thing as death, but outside entities (Because we're human and mirror that type of pattern, like God being some old man with a white beard in the clouds), they influence every day life - And evil people channel them into this world.

It's evil, and to find ... cuz it's purgatory, a hallucination.. People can be lucky and find peace.