Roll Call 198

Had a migraine but it’s gone now thanks to ibuprofen and caffeine.

I started painting another miniature , I just did the base coat today because I wasn’t feeling motivated to do the whole thing right now (which can take 3-4 hours to do or longer ) so I just did that because I at least wanted to start a bit of it.
It’s just a coat of grey paint because grey doesn’t make colors appear darker when they’re on top of it like black would, and doesn’t make colors appear lighter like a white coat would so grey is a good base coat.

I’m stressed about Tuesdays inspection. It will be fine. It always is. I just always think catastrophically.

I’m playing some Xbox multiplayer games with a friend tonight that lives in another state. We both have headsets with microphones so we’ll be able to hear each other talking while we play videogames together. Will be fun. I’m a little nervous because we’ve never talked in real time before, just over the forum and Facebook messenger but it will be cool. I get social anxiety when talking to people for the first time even if it’s over video or over like wireless communication /phone etc.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh yeah making my moms linguine and white clam sauce recipe tonight

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Matcha lattes are really good. I think you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work. A lot of people don’t realize how hard it can be just to order a drink with more calories than normal but it’s a big accomplishment in starting to overcome EDs. Progress isn’t linear, it’s okay to do well in one moment and then go backwards a bit, back and forth over and over. It happens. Just keep trying. I struggled with my ED for so many years , my progress was not linear at all. I had times I’d regress for weeks , months, or just days, then go back and do well. Etc. but over time eventually with the help of therapy and other things it’s gotten to where it’s mostly stable. There were times I didn’t want help with it.

One thing is eating disorders end up consuming every thought and part of your life to where it’s the only thing one thinks about. Sometimes I felt like it was the only thing I could control in my life.

Anyway my point is keep working on it and hopefully that therapist you are possibly gonna see helps as well it’s worth it, I hope that made sense

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was feeling super confused yesterday (From lack of sleep). I took the 10mg of olanzepine early + a 3mg Invega pill, felt tired and slept for like 16 hours.

I woke up feeling super great! - But it didn't last once I got scared of coworkers, my thoughts became negative.

Anyway, that is over and done with for the week.. This week, I'll get the Invega Trinza injection..

Then soon, I'll fly to see my sister and spend a week there.. I have everything man... I can be in a flow state and do anything.. It's just so difficult. I still feel scared (Not paranoid or anxious, just generally scared).

Can't stop infinite nihilism

I'm doing good now, nvm..

I'm on top of things... The Invega pill helped.

I keep having negative thoughts lately about how I hate myself and feel I'm not cut out for this world. Just strong thoughts that come several times a day. I try to ignore them but they come back stronger

I have a meeting on Wednesday with a career readiness instructor to see if I want to take one of their upcoming career readiness workshops. I do. I just don't know how to handle any kind of stress. I dissociate whenever I'm stressed.

Have you tried writing out your positive traits so you can read it when you feel this way?

Yeah but I don't believe any of them, like I feel like none of the positive traits I can think of for myself are actually true

I take care of my cats, that's all I can think of

I'm a nice person but really I'm just too kind to stand up for myself or ask for help when I need it or too scared to say no to people asking me things

Basically I feel like my life is meaningless. I guess I'll feel like it has more of a purpose when I'm back in college at the end of August.

I feel like a waste of a person/life.

Purpose is very important to life….but you already have some purpose ie caring for others including your friends and cats. You also create art and music which is something in its own right.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thank you, yes you’re right, I need to think more positively about the things I am doing that bring me purpose

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah I was watching something about how people ask about jobs, marital status, kids etc. I was thinking of how much better it would be if we skied people their purpose. I feel like knowing for example you’re here to help people might be more important than jobs or whatever.

I think life doesn’t have to have a purpose. Just enjoying things and doing things is enough. Not everything has to mean something. It just is what it is so just do your own thing and enjoy whatever you do.

Idk that’s just my thinking.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So it’s part of the ancient Hindu wisdom they call it dharma or something…I find having a purpose helps me but if you get enough from enjoyment that’s cool too. To some extent there are two types of happiness though. If your just hedonistic something like drugs or alcohol might appeal because it brings happiness just not long term. In contrast eudaimonia is a more even happiness and it’s hard to get there without purpose. Just my thoughts.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I heard today, someone saying "Anyones baseline (Without purpose) is unbearable suffering" - So NOW I understand.

I enjoy many things.. But I plan to really "Grow up", and do all of the best things.. Invest time into something. I'm procrastinating the chemistry course.. But I'll do it soon...

I'd like to be some sort of shaman too. I'll figure it all out. ChatGPT helps a lot - But it's such an overwhelming amount of good advice.. I wish technology was this advanced when I was younger.

My sister and three of her kiddos visited this weekend for my Dad's birthday. It was a good visit but we spent a lot of time planning and shopping for my sister's wedding. I got kind of wedding-ed out. So after 7 hours I went home with my Dad and my nephew and just chilled while the girls continued shopping. I am happy for my sister. But with being depressed and all it's hard to keep that happy happy joy joy stuff up for a long time.

Went to CVS and picked up my meds. Plus got some decaf coffee.

Cleaned and did laundry. Still have some cleaning to do but got most of it done.

Got about 40 pages left to read in Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman so I’m gonna finish that book today. I’ve really been enjoying it a lot.

Tomorrows the code enforcement inspection. They might not even do my apartment. Idk. It’s like 19 random apartments out of the 50ish apartments here. Either way I won’t have to worry about it again after tomorrow for another like 6 months or year. I forget if it’s every 6 months or once a year. The pre inspection was fine so I’m not worried really. I was yesterday but I woke up today and have felt much less anxious and more confident today.

Anyway, I’m waiting on a package from target to be delivered today. Two pairs of joggers and a tshirt. Have two more tshirts coming tomorrow. Will be nice to have new clothes finally after like 3-4 years of not buying anything new. One of the shirts is a Nirvana band shirt

The linguine and clams I made last night came out really good. It’s never quite as good as my moms was even though it’s the same recipe but it was still really good

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I always think with recipes you can follow them but sometimes you have to just feel out ingredients depending on the weather and stove and random moon cycles and ****. Never turns out the same when you cook from a recipe vs how someone else made it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah that’s true

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk