Roll Call 199

A while ago, I tried to fix the bluetooth (On my MacBook Pro) - And I threw a certain file in the trash (And emptied it) - The only way to fix it was to reset the computer.

I reset my computer last night (Which took 3 hours), but now my new earbuds connect to it + it fast switches from my phone! (Exactly what I wanted).

Some odd reason, I feel accomplished (Cuz I didn't think I had the cognition to do it, downloading all my files to a USB, doing iCloud, cryptocurrency transferring stuff etc).

I went to bed at 1am, but slept in until after noon - I was disappointed about that, but now I feel really good + Stopped the minocycline. I notice a difference for sure.

I planned to go for a run today (Just a gesture to myself), but I will when we aren't in a "heat dome".

My peer support person just called ME to ask when our next appointment was. That was kinda funny. Scheduled an endoscopy in three weeks to see why I'm throwing up blood. I should be getting ready for my hikes tomorrow. Doing three small ones. Gonna go get on that.

I'm thinking of finally getting my septum pierced in a couple weeks

I think I worry too much about what other people think, I've held off on getting the septum pierced for so long even though I've wanted one for years, due to worrying what others would think of it or what their reaction would be. I also worry too much about what other people think of what I'm wearing. I want to wear stylish clothes but I've always been too self concsious and feel awkward about it. But I want to change that

In 2 weeks I'll be in an airbnb that's 7 min drive from my 1st psychiatrists office. So I looked at it on google maps. Ugg I can't describe this feeling. Maybe melancholy and much more. That was during my suicide years. I have memories of pacing on this path outside her office in such insane pain and a spot I sat down on during my lowest most depressed times ever. This deep feeling it gives me, it's like I can cut it with a knife.

I want to go their so bad. But not sure if it's a bad idea. The memories with my psychiatrist and the zillion and one questions she would ask me and prescribing me with different meds.

Anyway lol

I crave mystical experiences.

I always have. Always.. When I was a teenager, I remember.. The electronic dance and festivals etc, that I wanted to go to - but never did. I was hopeless and depressed lol.

I had a really good, happy day (No drugs either) - My mom said that it makes her very happy for me to be happy. It's just, as it gets to nighttime, and I'm about to sleep, I reflect.. Idk. It's a heaviness.

I can't ask God to take my will and free myself. Cuz I think I'm doing the right things. At least I thought. It'll take time to figure things out.

But isn't it always that people have at least 1% (Definitely way more than that on average), craving to figure out their existence, repair and make sense of their past traumas, and create something out of it (Either for themselves, or other people) - That's even when things ARE okay. For most people (In the Western world), it's much more miserable than that - Stress, meaningless slavery for the rich (But with a disconnection from spirituality etc). I'm like that too (Most days). There's much much more - It goes on and on.

Like with life, there's a certain unique path that everyone's on - But there's a main objective truth, in this specific combination of order and chaos.. - Billions of people, spirits and objects can change with time, going off course from the thing.. So what is meaningful for me (And others, that are still my reality - Always in the moment), is what's important I guess... But it can go the opposite way - And match your own self/relation to it all (Nothing/meaninglessness);

So you look at a positive perspective. But then, it can go the other way (Again), and go against that. That's why there needs to be some faith. Like Alan Watts said "When you walk, you don't know that the floor will give beneath you - That's faith".

Anyway, tomorrow will be another good day. I just analyze a lot of my mind.

Why are mystical experiences euphoric? Idk. Maybe it's divine progress that moves us/the world forward - And pain? Just to balance it out. People grow from suffering.. And that is what creates. With schiz, like smoking salvia - Something in the spirit realm is damaged (With brain chems) - And I really think that's trauma, a disturbance. Lol - All of this could be nonsense =]

It's not just a disturbance. But something that snapped, broke - Immediately, or over time from stress. How to get the pattern of subjective/kind of objective (Like everyone) reality back?

The more off course it is, the harder it is to get it back. But creativity can happen (Cuz it's so strange). Weirdness is different (Cuz that's a social thing "He/she's/that's weird!") - And then again, makes for good music.

And any idea of style can be used to copy/imitate (Babies and primates mostly do this with the most intensity) - So socially, all people do this (Like idolizing celebrities, great people etc), and create a culture. Since there's distance/countries, there's also different cultures (From lack of communication/isolation).

Kk I'll stop talking...

Have my volunteer shift today. Hoping it goes better than last week’s

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I had a much better time volunteering today. There were 12 cats though so it was a ton of work. But I took it all one step at a time and didn’t let the amount overwhelm me

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The cat that gave me all that trouble and scratched me last week was really nice today. She seems to have settled in.

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My sister said she’ll pay for my septum piercing for my birthday present so I’ll be getting it done in a couple of weeks

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Nice 10 hour sleep. The SMOKE has come into the valley..

There are no more mountains to be seen at all. I hate when this happens.

This morning:

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill , gonna do weights and squats after I relax a little bit

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I must find good songs and podcasts to play in my dad's Mustang (Through Bluetooth), for when we drive to the island again (Maybe next month).

So far things are stress free for me.

I felt good this morning but now I feel like crawling under a rock.

I forgot that last night I was watching music videos on youtube and so only got 6 hours sleep instead of 8. It's hard to stop watching music video...

...I need a happy pill. Is there such a thing? I just feel like taking a long walk on a short peer. Or sky diving without a parachute right now. Hope today gets better.

I don’t have a pill but I’ve got a technique. Often with sz you need more stimulus to make you happy so pick three things you enjoy and do them all at once. So fo me that might be visiting a nice park with a cool drink and my camera to take beautiful photos, you can even listen to your favorite music at the same time. Another example might be reading a book while having something warm to drink and I always use music. Another more self care route might be a warm bath, scented candle or soap and music again.

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Hmm.. stimulus.. I like stimulation.

CNS stimulant use associated with better function in schizophrenia | Consultant360 (Pls don't take just one study seriously tho).

But SP is right - When I got many things going, I'm very happy.. Cuz I used to be soooo deprived. All my dopamine receptors were like "We need to grow more to keep up with even way less dopamine than just ADD" - And then? - I was doing many many things, stress, hyper motivation, less sleep - and then short circuiting of the mind happened (Age 16), then a big crash.

But the life balancing (Without "happy pills"), I'm only beginning to be good at.