Roll Call 199

Blue_Bird · May 21, 2023 at 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

I feel like drinking a coffee now but I know it would ruin my sleep. Ugh. I am torn on a lot of things right now. Whether to go to the gym. Whether or not to stay on 80 mg latuda. Whether or not to have coffee. Probably seems like trivial stuff but it is not for me.

I started drinking coffee again. I’m trying to make it a once a day thing eventually. And just in mornings. Hard to not drink cup after cup of it all day.

Have you tried working with a therapist on the indecisiveness? It might be helpful to have some guidance with that. I am very indecisive too and am always impulsively changing my mind on things. It makes life difficult

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stahrgeyzer · May 21, 2023 at 10:24 PM

Wish I had a body cam so I'd know what's real and not. Yesterday morning a guy came walking across the street striking his hands together like he was trying to scare me. Next time I'm getting my phone out. So weird. Meds might help with that. But I can't see meds changing my beliefs.

I can hardly wait to go to bed tonight. Thanks to two benadryl an hour before bed that's easy.

stahrgeyzer · May 21, 2023 at 10:46 PM

If I go back to psychiatrist maybe I'll ask about Loxitane.

MSF has user ratings for various meds

https://mysupportforums.org/reviews/...&cat=1&ppuser=

Looks like Loxitane (Loxapine) is the highest rated antipsychotic med on the list. Someone commented that it's also good for BPD.

WastingAsparagus · May 22, 2023 at 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I started drinking coffee again. I’m trying to make it a once a day thing eventually. And just in mornings. Hard to not drink cup after cup of it all day.

Have you tried working with a therapist on the indecisiveness? It might be helpful to have some guidance with that. I am very indecisive too and am always impulsively changing my mind on things. It makes life difficult

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Yeah thanks, I am working with a therapist on it. She says to write down my doubtful thoughts, and I have been doing that, then just note them as doubtful thoughts. So it's helping. I think I'm doing better in that regard actually. And it does make life difficult to constantly change my mind on things. But it'll get better.

WastingAsparagus · May 22, 2023 at 06:48 AM

Today I went to the gym but I could only walk because there's something with my legs where they literally don't want to run on the treadmill anymore. I am going to ask my pdoc about it because I used to be able to run on the treadmill.

WastingAsparagus · May 22, 2023 at 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

Yeah thanks, I am working with a therapist on it. She says to write down my doubtful thoughts, and I have been doing that, then just note them as doubtful thoughts. So it's helping. I think I'm doing better in that regard actually. And it does make life difficult to constantly change my mind on things. But it'll get better.

I think I'm actually much better on the doubts than I was before. Before I would actually make impulsive decisions that would really be irreversible. Like quitting my grad program, etc. Luckily those turned out to be reversible, but only after a ton of effort and emotional strain. Now I just have the occasional doubt about meds or something like that, and I am usually able to come out of it.

Blue_Bird · May 22, 2023 at 03:55 PM

My new phone came today. I love it

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Sometimes psychotic · May 22, 2023 at 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Wish I had a body cam so I'd know what's real and not. Yesterday morning a guy came walking across the street striking his hands together like he was trying to scare me. Next time I'm getting my phone out. So weird. Meds might help with that. But I can't see meds changing my beliefs.

I can hardly wait to go to bed tonight. Thanks to two benadryl an hour before bed that's easy.

When it comes to this stuff meds are like 90-95% of the way forward.

Blue_Bird · May 22, 2023 at 06:20 PM

My phone came with 3 free months of Apple Arcade, apple health/fitness plus, and Apple TV and Apple News. All free for 3 months. I’ll cancel them when the time is up but I’m gonna enjoy them until then

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Job 30 26 · May 22, 2023 at 07:02 PM

Doing well, no migraines, sodium levels are good, still sober. Everything is good except depression and some frustration. Work is going well. Book is doing awesome, writing it has been the highlight of my life, my own version of a divine comedy, my attempt at least. Should be published in September.
The only issues I have to resolve really are depression and my social withdrawal. At work I'm great, I'm a good leader. On facebook I'm leading a Paradise Lost reading group. But I retreat to my room a lot

Blue_Bird · May 23, 2023 at 07:37 AM

Volunteer shift today. Then in the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist

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Blue_Bird · May 23, 2023 at 09:50 AM

Volunteering went well, waiting on the bus to go home.

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Blue_Bird · May 23, 2023 at 10:53 AM

There were 8 cats today. So it was a bit less work than last week when there were 12 cats. I think I’m getting better at it, like doing it more effectively and faster now. Anyway, sometimes my self esteem makes me feel like I don’t do a good enough job. But I think I might be doing okay. Trying not to let self doubt come in.

I have my appointment with my psychiatrist at 2:30pm. It’s over video call so I don’t have to actually go to the clinic.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor for a pap exam. Which is gonna suck but at least it will be over with soon. And I have an appointment with my therapist Thursday.

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Blue_Bird · May 23, 2023 at 12:57 PM

Bored just waiting for my appointment. I hate mid day/late day appointments. I cant focus on anything until they’re over and all I think about is how slow the time is moving. 30 more minutes

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Blue_Bird · May 23, 2023 at 04:14 PM

I feel like a failure sometimes because at times I feel like my mental health hasn’t improved all that much even though I’ve managed to stay out of the hospital since July 2017. especially when I dissociate and during that am not capable of anything. I also feel like I should have a job by now and be living independently 100%. But I’m still in supportive housing, have no job and have a very very very difficult time dealing with any kind of stress due to the trauma and BPD portion of my diagnoses.

I turn 29 the first week of June. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much in my 29 years aside from volunteering.

I’m also extremely ashamed of the bpd part of my diagnosis because there is so much stigma and sometimes I feel that everyone hates dealing with me

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Sometimes psychotic · May 23, 2023 at 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I feel like a failure sometimes because at times I feel like my mental health hasn’t improved all that much even though I’ve managed to stay out of the hospital since July 2017. especially when I dissociate and during that am not capable of anything. I also feel like I should have a job by now and be living independently 100%. But I’m still in supportive housing, have no job and have a very very very difficult time dealing with any kind of stress due to the trauma and BPD portion of my diagnoses.

I turn 29 the first week of June. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much in my 29 years aside from volunteering.

I’m also extremely ashamed of the bpd part of my diagnosis because there is so much stigma and sometimes I feel that everyone hates dealing with me

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Honestly even though I can check off some boxes with school and job etc I never feel good enough. Unfortunately the solution is changing the way you think not what you’ve accomplished.

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Blue_Bird · May 23, 2023 at 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Honestly even though I can check off some boxes with school and job etc I never feel good enough. Unfortunately the solution is changing the way you think not what you’ve accomplished.

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I know, I’m trying to work on my thoughts

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cogladaid · May 23, 2023 at 11:03 PM

Work was kind of boring but I got stuff done. Went shopping after work with my mom and sister. Made tacos for dinner (homemade corn tortillas, homemade corn salsa, feta cheese, and seasoned ground pork).

I was tempted to drink out of boredom but I made some mocktails instead (lime juice, simple syrup, smashed blackberries, and soda water). It was refreshing and tasty.

I was feeling restless so I took the dogs for a walk. And then went to the gym around 730pm. Did leg day.

Got home, had a shower, and went to bed. Now it’s hard for me to fall asleep. Probably from the preworkout I took before the gym (fair amount of caffeine in it).

Oh well. Work in the office tomorrow and then I want to go to the gym after work. Addicted. I want to challenge myself to do a bunch of cardio. I might hate myself later.

Hey, being addicted to the gym is better than sitting around and drinking.

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WastingAsparagus · May 24, 2023 at 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I feel like a failure sometimes because at times I feel like my mental health hasn’t improved all that much even though I’ve managed to stay out of the hospital since July 2017. especially when I dissociate and during that am not capable of anything. I also feel like I should have a job by now and be living independently 100%. But I’m still in supportive housing, have no job and have a very very very difficult time dealing with any kind of stress due to the trauma and BPD portion of my diagnoses.

I turn 29 the first week of June. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much in my 29 years aside from volunteering.

I’m also extremely ashamed of the bpd part of my diagnosis because there is so much stigma and sometimes I feel that everyone hates dealing with me

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Blue_Bird, you're not alone in that. I feel like a failure a lot of the time as well. It is not easy to have good self-esteem, whatever that means.

What I find especially difficult is comparing myself to other people who maybe have it easier than me.

For example, last night I went on a date, and all I could really think about is that it wasn't going to work out with this person in particular. I still had a good time, but it always sucks knowing I don't have the resources to be in a loving relationship with someone. I don't know, that's just my personal situation.

But I understand what you're saying. It's hard.

Blue_Bird · May 24, 2023 at 07:36 AM

I hope Desoxyn and SlumberKitty are okay

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Roll Call 199

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stahrgeyzer Magnate Member Since Feb 2018 Location: literally hell Posts: 2,345 6 5,654 hugs given	May 21, 2023 at 10:46 PM #843 If I go back to psychiatrist maybe I'll ask about Loxitane. MSF has user ratings for various meds https://mysupportforums.org/reviews/...&cat=1&ppuser= Looks like Loxitane (Loxapine) is the highest rated antipsychotic med on the list. Someone commented that it's also good for BPD.

WastingAsparagus Student of Life Member Since Mar 2014 Location: South America Posts: 4,658 10 2,911 hugs given	May 22, 2023 at 06:48 AM #845 Today I went to the gym but I could only walk because there's something with my legs where they literally don't want to run on the treadmill anymore. I am going to ask my pdoc about it because I used to be able to run on the treadmill. __________________ "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,741 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.3k hugs given	May 22, 2023 at 03:55 PM #847 My new phone came today. I love it Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,741 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.3k hugs given	May 23, 2023 at 07:37 AM #851 Volunteer shift today. Then in the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,741 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.3k hugs given	May 23, 2023 at 09:50 AM #852 Volunteering went well, waiting on the bus to go home. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,741 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.3k hugs given	May 24, 2023 at 07:36 AM #860 I hope Desoxyn and SlumberKitty are okay Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi