Roll Call 199

Hey everyone, just listening to some blues (Buddy Guy). Anyway, feeling very melancholic. And I read this book this one time that said melancholy can be productive. And here I am sitting wondering like why can it be productive?

I also feel like the least productive person on Earth.

I guess it's just very hard for me to get motivated.

Was a nice hike, smoke everywhere. All four of us sat outside and talked for a bit.. The conversations I hear? I feel like my mind just goes in and out (When people are talking).

Idk why people like me sometimes. I don't know when to laugh, and seem cold (But silly)/awkward. I really need people that are like me (Or just allow me to get a word in/say something) - Cuz everyone just loves to talk.

Most people can just talk, like there's no problem.. They don't think about how strange reality is, and the questioning. Makes me feel dumb, or like a Gen Z with no life experience, or that I don't even know what I'm doing.

So I do my psychonaut things - Am I productive? I search conspiracies, interests, listen to music, attempt to attend to goals.. I need money. I wish I could just make enough money (On my laptop), and just travel everywhere.. bring the laptop with me, sit on the beach, constantly running away/or on the go.

Cuz things seem dark and hopeless, but I'm in a good mood - And that's most people, knowing something that I don't - About the way life works (This particular one).. I take in ~100x more information than I can process.. So that's why meditation would be good..

I just had a half hour walk when the sun was setting. That seems to be the best time. It was the best walk ever. My mind was just floating, pondering. It was dark enough so I couldn't see much details, so my mind wasn't being distracted. I was mostly unaware of where I was going. It was like 2 years of good therapy. Heavenly

That sounds brilliant. I used to walk home from work over the Brooklyn Bridge and just lose myself in music and endorphins. I was so happy on those mornings. It took between 30 to 45 minutes one way.

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I have a bunch of errands to do this morning so I haven't slept. For some reason I have a ton of anxiety. I should look out the window and see if I can see the sunrise. I wish I had a pint of Bacardi dark. I'd have fallen asleep hours ago if I could have had any. I'm tired but too anxious to trust my sleep if I even could.

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I missed the sunrise and I still can't sleep. I set an alarm on an alarm app simple enough for me to understand. I hope everything goes well.

I love walking places mindfully. It's like a whole new world.

I read this book once called "The Philosophy of Walking" I think it was called.

Just basically about how walking can be therapeutic and even a political act sometimes.

Anyway, today I am thinking about the millions of distractions I have in my life and how to either cut them out or limit them. For example, as a strategy, I have been, today at least, turning off my cell phone when I'm doing something that doesn't involve my cell phone. I have been timing different activities. Like I'll listen to music for 25 minutes and do something while doing that, and then take a little 5-minute break, then the 25 minutes again for another activity. Then I've been picking at random another activity (because I suffer from intense decision-fatigue). And then repeat.

I put a down payment on an iPhone 12. It will be here tomorrow or Monday depending on how fast it ships. I decided to do that instead of getting a new battery for my old phone, an iPhone 8 Plus.

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Enjoy it

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I still can't sleep and I'm tired but wakeful. I got most of my errands done so I'm glad but the moon is badly afflicted and it looks like nothing I do through tomorrow morning will go well. This has to do with an order I placed for candy. Already my roommate said she changed her mind (I suspect because she doesn't have enough money). So I'll ask her if she can pay half and split the item with me. Idk. It's so simple but everything's going wrong.

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Guys, I need your input on something. Does this sound like paranoia or a legitimate concern to you:

I have an abusive ex. Today using somebody else's phone he texted me and I responded asking "who's this?" (thinking it was someone I gave my number to in the hospital or an old friend/contact I deleted for stupid reasons) and he said who he was and asked why I won't talk to him anymore. I blocked the number. Now there's a truck I don't recognize sitting across the street. There's nobody in it and it's been there for at least 20 minutes. I'm worried it's him or someone he sent to spy on me and potentially hurt me. It's a really nice truck though--something he definitely couldn't afford (but something he could borrow or steal). I don't want to leave the house or give any indication somebody's home. I live in a townhouse so maybe the neighbors just have someone over? I realize that's probably what's going on, but I highly doubt it.

Thoughts?

@MuddyBoots Just be careful. I hope your ex didn't have a key to the house. He may have made a copy.

Today's one of those "hide under the rock" days. Pain is such an annoying thing. Maybe I can brainwash my brain into thinking pain isn't so bad.

I'm never microdosing EVER again. Sure, I like the neuroplasticity - From such a small dose?, I had some of the most profound thoughts I've ever had... And just lying there, thinking really fast.. It's thought stimulating, I enjoyed it.

But I then tried to go to sleep, and had visuals/dreams while awake, then my heart would "jump", and I'd wake back up again (This hasn't happened in months).. I needed clonazepam to put me to sleep - After it felt like adrenaline was being released from my heart, after it squeezed.

I'm done. Only macrodosing (In the future - Maybe in a couple of years). I guess I just have to deal with how my mind is now..

The only things I'll use now, are "nootropics", just to improve cognition and such (Like nicotine, caffeine, etc).

I was really disappointed this morning, and just slept in. My dream job would be studying psychoactive chemicals, psychology and neuroscience (In some way)... Anyway, w/e. Lol =[

@MuddyBoots I don't think the truck has to do with you. Your ex would have to be really motivated to do anything involving a truck. He might be an evil genius but I doubt it.

I ate my usual lunch, frozen corn and broccoli. There's no seasoning at the airbnb here but it's okay. I really don't want to work, and just get overwhelming feeling to run away from everything.

And then these weird thoughts keep coming to me that some people aren't real, but are either evil or good, and that some people are kind of like reflections of the God source. The reason for thinking this is some people in my life say things that they shouldn't know.

I should ignore those kind of thoughts.