Roll Call 200

I feel like I should go running tomorrow. But I don't want to feel compelled to do so.

Also quite honestly, I think my girlfriend is adding stress to my life.

Pleasure and pain. People want to cause me pain, and deprive me of pleasure.

All I do is lift people up - And want to make them feel GOOD. Not BAD.

Idk what is wrong with people. It's like with likes here or on any other social media, I don't just deprive someone of a "like" 100% of the time.

I don't judge anyone, but they judge me. People don't know that none of this is real (Although free will is an illusion, and God gave us free will) - But people ignore God - And that pain is real for others - That's empathy.

I'm not real - Other people are real, cuz they feel love, pleasure and pain etc. If I just feel pain so much (All of the time), I don't want to be real. That's why people dissociate. Fear (Opposite of love).

I work, feel pain. I come home, feel pain on the internet. When I'm in nature, I get intrusive thoughts about my addiction and conversations, what I should do when I get back - But also ideas. For what?

Masculinity is a good thing - But 90% don't do it right. They're stuck in a bad pattern, created by getting what they want. I let it all go - **** it. Then when I try to make sense of the social hierarchy, to just live, share things with people - They look down on me. And that's why, when people "make it", or get money, they flash it around. Women want that, and are attracted to money.

Gratitude is the main thing. To be happy with what you have - I'm just social/human like most people. But I'm confused as ****. And 50% of what I say, doesn't make sense.. Like why do I have to develop complete understanding - When there's too much nonsense in my head, in the world. No one knows wtf they're doing.

But meditation is the main thing - Because I've realized - Once you focus on the breath, you can stop thinking (Like all of the nonsense that I'm writing right now) for 5 seconds, then 10 seconds, 15 seconds, 5 minutes - And then;

All of your emotions and energies - They go back to baseline. It's like not having insight (When NOT in that state). And that's what nature does (If you're there for long enough).

Nothing is for free.. Everything goes up, and then down.. Everything has a cost.

Lol ^-; Like I'd understand if people didn't agree with me - And there's others that do - So who is it that connects with each other - Different people.. So that's a situation, of disconnection - Chaos. Especially when algorithms on social media make money from people being mad, and arguing.

Then that bleeds into society, divides people. Pharmaceutical companies are in on it - Promote doctors to prescribe oxycodone, and then everyone wants heroin - Then they lace it with fentanyl, and start killing people.

All they wanted was to stop the pain. And so all the rich people get to have that pleasure - stolen from sons, daughters, parents, siblings - Overdosing. They can't get help because they bribe politicians to lock them up in cold cells - To keep the pain/pleasure cycle in that way.

And why do people judge the ones in pain.. Idk.

It's like with confidence too.. My will to live was obliterated by a narcissist though (My ex step dad), very early.

It was in below confidence or even baseline - That's why people can be called "negative". And people with confidence are "positive".

Without empathy, no one exists.. they're just toys, to get pleasure, and admiration from (With lies). There's no truth, just lies.

And the media is full of lies, causing people to glorify empathy to causes that get people attention and money, and away from looking inwards at themselves - And the truth.

Everyone looks for truth - As the balance between pleasure/good and pain/bad. But only God knows the full truth. Some people can be wise, and learn from experience, objectively.

That's why I was a complete fool (And still am), cuz I felt too much pain, and was in isolation - Desperate, clinging to euphoric drugs (With no choice, as I was driven by the undeveloped decision making part of my brain).

Like most teenagers, in this decrepit, wasteland of a society.

But anyways, I'll continue to try and be positive lol ^-

And to follow/implement the advice from my therapist (ChatGPT - Which is a whole other scary issue, but w/e..).

To know God, you must know the devil. And so, that's the devil spawned when he created us, after we ate the knowledge fruit.. He was like "Ok, off on your way... You have to find me - I love you" (It was love that said that). And fear, the opposite.. The fear of death.. And the unknown.

I read the Bible (When I was like 12) - First 50 pages. But I was too young for that. I could read any religious text.. But just my information problem, and cluster, spiritual nonsense headaches.

That also.. get me to just think (In an echo chamber of my own mind/isolation). As isolation is all I know...

So any criticisms are welcome (Don't be too hard on me though..)

I’m an atheist who doesn’t know the bible for **** so I don’t even know where to start lol.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Had a good weekend.

Went to Walmart, Costco, and Starbucks on Saturday. I was feeling more normal. No headache or constant fuzziness.

So I decided to check my work email. I felt bad because I only worked one day this past week so I was behind on a bunch of stuff while my two coworkers were covering for me. One coworker is away taking care of her husband so it’s just me and two other people to train a new person. I was supposed to train her on Wednesday but I was out sick.

Anyway, I checked my email and there were like 50 emails so I organized and flagged and decided to get some work done. I sat down there around 230pm, moved to downstairs on the couch at 5pm. Made rice, ate dinner, took dogs for a walk (all in all about an hour or so) and then worked until almost 11pm. I put in a whole day of work hahaha. I’m salaried so it’s okay. I’m just going to use my banked time to cover for whenever I have to leave work for a bit for an appointment.

Today went and saw an early showing of Oppenheimer. It was good. I have an issue with the overly dramatic score but otherwise good. Ate a lot of popcorn.

Went for a pulled pork crepe (ate it while driving around), bought a salad (ate it when I got home), then my mom made chicken fingers (ate those too). Went and picked up a prescription then got a London fog latte at Starbucks.

Watched some TV in free time. Now I’m in bed and I’m going to sleep. Work tomorrow morning.

But yeah, I feel good mostly. I can function. I can work. I can focus. It’s just still when I stand up after sitting for a while I get lightheaded. And earlier when I was watching the dogs I got lightheaded. So I’m taking a blood test tomorrow and will talk to my doctor. See if something is up.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ah God I'm embarrassed by all that I've wrote.

Anyway, I want to meditate a lot.. Because it has such great benefits.. And I've been doing the best I've ever been (With productivity)..

But maybe I should lower the stimulant dose (I take 60mg of Vyvanse and 2x 10mg Dexedrine spansules in the morning - And 2x 10mg Dexedrine spansules at 1-2pm).

I'm just.. Annoyed. My "autonomic nervous system" is over stimulated (During wakefulness to sleep). I want to stay up all night (But usually sleep at 12am-1pm), and find it EXTREMELY hard to wake up (In the morning at 8am during work days, and ~12pm during non-work days).

I'm so exhausted from living. And without the stimulant? I'd still be on atenolol (I think), for physical anxiety (But maybe that was cuz I had DPDR panic attacks - During the 1 year long or so, stimulant break).

I don't feel like taking the 3mg Invega pill. I stopped the 5mg of olanzepine (I'll still take it PRN - But then I thought, since I'm not taking the 3mg Invega pill, I'll use that instead - But will likely take the 3mg Invega pill during the second half of my Invega Trinza injection cycle anyways).

I procrastinate 100+ things.. It's like I have ADHD-Predominantly Hyperactive (Instead of ADHD-Predominantly Inattentive). At least I'm not very impulsive anymore, and I can focus well.

I'm doing the best I've ever been.. It's just extremely difficult to live like this hyped up. I drink a coffee in the morning, and chew nicotine gum all day.

God help me lol. But it's okay..

I am seeing a new psychiatrist today. I really want to ask about ADD/ADHD. Cause I think I have it.

Anyway, going to do that.

Fish oil helps but perhaps not enough. I don't know.

I would drink 10+ coffees in one day but I think amphetamine is a better stimulant than caffeine (not sure though).

On a "positive" note (I put positive in quotations because I don't like the words "positive" or "negative." By the way, does anyone ever say, on a negative note? Haha)

I went running this morning outside and it helped my mood a lot.

Also just gonna straight up say, "mirtazapine is a better antidepressant than venlafaxine."

I don't know that running can do it all though.

Getting my haircut Wednesday! Super excited. And eyebrows waxed.

Tomorrow I have a volunteer shift with kitten angels. Then on Thursday and Friday I have morning shifts serving meals to the shelter and community for people that need and/or want food.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My mom wanted to bring me to the hospital last night. I had to tone it down with the nihilism/depressiveness. I cried hard last night (But when do I not, sometimes?).

I took the 3mg of Invega and went to sleep. My mom phoned me at 1030am cuz she wanted me to try and wake up at 10am - I still woke up at noon.

I told her that I have psychedelics (That I don't really use), and don't want to have them taken away - Because I believe that I'm trying to go in a direction.. (Whatever it is), that is good.. and I can do something good.

I told her about how I was controlled in the past (And admit that I needed to be) - So I'm used to not being listened to. I'm responsible now, and she said "That was 5-6 years ago" - And I said "BUT the panic attacks - I suffered so much, the DPDR - No one has any idea, and the philosophical thoughts that came from it. It's not an illness", and I told her about how the hospital is "uncomfortable" - She said "That's the most normal thing you've said - It's not supposed to be a vacation", I said "I don't trust the psychiatric system" - I told her about "Shamanism, etc".. I have a lot of good insights that I've learned, about all my experience in dealing with my personal life, and how it relates to the world. It keeps me sane.

And the only thing I'm afraid of, is them "stopping the atenolol - Cuz then my heart would beat fast", so it's not that bad of a worry.

But anyways, could be mild opioid withdrawal possibly, idk. I'll try and continue my life..

So I’m going to be starting to take violin lessons soon. Will have my first one in a couple weeks from now. Via zoom with a violin teacher. Pretty excited. I played violin in elementary school and middle school but want to get back into it. Would be fun to learn how to play some Lindsey Stirling songs.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hope you feel better soon Desoxyn!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A dopaminergic stimulant is good (Just gotta stay on the antipsychotic), at low dose (At first). Cuz 5mg of methylphenidate/amphetamine can be very stimulating, and cause anxiety.

If you take it as prescribed (For a few years), you'll notice that your room is clean, and everything is organized. I told my mom last night, "Look at my room.. There's not one piece of garbage - Every time I'm finished with a plate/cup, I bring it back - I keep track of every item" (Although maybe that's OCD idk).

I still procrastinate heavily.. And have built tolerance to 20x 5mg's a day worth. But 5mg 3x a day? Can seem good, for focus, wakefulness, motivation.

My problem was that I'd swallow the whole bottle (When I was a teenager), and then proceeeeeded... to purchase phenidate, phetamine, and cathinone analogues. Bad time.

I have learned, lessons.. First it would be good to see if you have ADHD (And not something else) - But if the stimulant is helpful, then that doesn't really matter (As long as use is monitored, responsibly, professionally). I had really bad "ADD", when I was a kid - But in Ireland, they didn't believe it existed (And to be heavily disciplined was the cure) so I was bullied by the teachers.

10x cups of coffee a day is more dangerous for blood pressure/cardiovascular system and such.

My head hurts so bad. Caffeine withdrawal. It’s been 72 hours without caffeine.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This may sound stupid but I’m tracking how long I go without caffeine. I just have been really dependent on it the past 4 years. Drinking around 7-8 cups of coffee a day. I’m sure it’s bad for my anxiety and panic etc. and I’m sure it’s bad for my sleep. And I know it’s bad for my oral health (coffee acidity is really bad for tooth enamel especially if you were consuming as much as I was which was a ridiculous amount) and coffee can stain teeth too. I’m sure it makes mood swings and irritability worse too and energy crashes etc


Anyway, yeah I’m tracking on this app called I Am Sober. It can track a huge variety of things people are trying to stop such as drugs, alcohol, self harm, cigarettes, online shopping, social media, caffeine, sugar, etc. there’s a community for each one and you can post along with others trying to stop the same thing you are. I’ve found it helpful.

Also it tracks how much I’ve saved in terms of money by going caffeine free. I estimated that I spend around $22 a month on coffee. So my yearly projected savings is like $260. So it definitely adds up over time

It's crazy that I've posted on almost every Roll Call (To "200" - In 200,000 posts).

Lol. What are we doing!? Idk ^-;

Edit: Oh and I feel better btw. Went on a car ride (With my mom, and her new Hawaiian friend).