Roll Call 200

Yay that’s awesome. Glad to hear that.

I just using my old lessons to get back to playing guitar but I admit new lessons would be great.

So I decided to come and say Hi... hello

Violin practice today, I will work on the g major scale (2 octaves), the E minor scale (1 octave) and carol of the bells , and maybe some improv over a backing track

That’s a great idea , I’m sure you’ll pick it up again fast. You’re really good from what I’ve seen if your video. Definitely keep at it

Thank you!

I feel the worlds most worst feelings
In a dysphoric neurotoxic apathy
And the worlds best feelings
But not in a neurotoxic mania type thing

So I'm not hospitalized
As my mom doesn't want that
And neither do I
They'd change my meds
And take my stim away

And as the world runs on trauma and need for control
Of the masses
Most people will find the divine singularity
Within ourselves
Introspection, within our souls

Some people might say,
Everything will fall apart
But we must keep hope
And there's nothing we can do
But to follow our hearts

Take responsibility
Know that there's free will
Of the Gods
To defeat the impending, severe evils.

I feel a little hypomanic. Can’t slow down my thoughts,/ brain. Didn’t sleep last night (forgot to take my night meds) so was up the whole night. Feeling euphoric from music. Practiced for 2 hours today

I do want to keep regularly practicing this much however I can’t slow down today mentally, is what I mean

Racing thoughts! The most speedy of thoughts.

It's really scary when it happens (For me) - So I sedate myself.

But it's very rare when I'm like "Oh no..".

Try to get good sleep BB (:

I turned in the peer specialist application today. Hopefully because my program manager mentioned me to the director of the peer program and telling her I’d be a good fit peer specialist helps. And they know each other. So that may work in my favor. If I do get the job I’ll have to figure out how the heck to manage my sleep schedule cause it’s night shifts, so 10pm to 6am saturdays and Sundays. And I want to be up during the day for the other 5 days a week just because I have volunteering and other stuff to do. That’s gonna be hard to adjust to but worth it I think.

Hi everybody. I get to start school on Sept 1st. Kinda ready for a new program. At least it will help me with stuff to do during the day. I know I work but....

Therapy was good last week. Therapist said I was really being vulnerable and I talked a lot. Both of those things I do not do too much.

I went to the Crisis Walk in Center for the first time last Monday, a week ago. It was actually nice, calm, much better than the ER and everyone was empathetic. I was scared to go there now I have another resource besides always going to the ER. My therapist urged me to go.

HUGS

That’s great you’re going back to school. I hope it works out with you

Woke up with good feelings!

Just a struggle.. With ADHD-Schizophrenia combination...

Another good day. No issues.

My sister is visiting =]

Yesterday, I had an episode of severe nihilism - But I told people, and they reassured me... That I wasn't being insensitive to the Hawaii fires (To the new Hawaiian woman that is visiting).

There's a thing about conspiracies... Where all the unawakened people, are in a sleepy empathy bubble - With ego. And the alt right? They have no empathy, but are awake - Still, with ego.

The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Cut the true conspiracy nonsense, cut the 100% trust in government and identity stuff. Like for example, yknow how people shouldn't be defined by their psychiatric labels? Same thing goes for sexuality, gender, skin colour, political beliefs - Even style.. And appearance.. Cut that ****.

All that is behind fear, is more fear - But the deepest, is love. Which is all that matters, above all else. Understanding, honesty (TRUTH), empathy, compassion, etc.. And the billionaires are BLIND to that (Cuz of money - And money gives people ego, like a drug...). Once people have enough money, they search for more happiness. All the mansions, paid sex, private jets, dopamine - Celebrities have moderate power with this - Go to drugs.. Everyone searches for happiness (Because we build tolerance to stable/unchanging patterns - Lack of novelty, new things).

We have monkey brains. The Buddhist monks, they meditate, and desire nothing... Attach to nothing, sit in silence - Enlightenment can happen.. Wisdom, contentment.. All of what the Hungry Ghost zombies (On the streets of Vancouver for example) are doing, injecting fentanyl and heroin.. The Big Pharma (That has ties to everything, all the commercials on the propaganda news that made us wear masks), they pushed the OxyContin in the name of "Treating pain a medical illness, instead of a symptom" or "OxyContin, the medication that you never knew you needed".

Anyways, the billionaires, once you have unlimited money (Which causes brain damage) and power, you want to control.. Everyone... You become a psychopath.. A parasite.. As sex was evolved to diversify gene variations (So the species doesn't die off) - And all people seem to express, are sexual things (At the core) - And as asexual (Which I don't full care about label), it disturbed me for a while (In DPDR), and the psychopath soldiers and video chat people.. They mentioned some truth.

And truth is hard to take. Got to look deeply within self. Not to identify any thought as negative or positive, for a while - I must keep trying that.

It all feels almost completely hopeless for me. And you all know this.

It's either the streets with fentanyl, or the psych ward.

I'll try though. Be determined, improve myself, give myself compassion and acceptance. To be grateful for what I have now. It was just really really painful, going through what happened.

And I let it happen. I did it to myself.

I think it was cuz my "best friend" beat me up (When I was 4-7) like 20x times (For being "Too annoying" or something). He'd always then say "I'm not your friend anymore", and then knock on my door, and say he's my friend again. By the 20th or so time, he knocked on my door, and I said "No - I'm not your friend" (But my mom said that I was being silly, and pushed me out the door) - Then we got into a fight.

Eventually, I started kicking his ribs, and that was the end of it. We were friends on FB, but I mentioned what happened in the psych ward (With the crack cocaine incident), and he de friended me. Same old thing. Hasn't changed.

I don't trust that my family will care for me. I don't want to be cared for. I hate that.

It's not like I'm intelligent enough, or care enough about life. I try my best. But I'm super nihilistic.

Why did that person want to talk to me, and say "After all you've been through, you manage to be so positive and happy" - And he didn't care to keep contact with me (Idk if it was cuz he's an online drug dealer or not).

But people always leave me, neglect me, judge me, mistreat me. All of my psychiatry until recent has been complete malpractice. I was only 16 - What did I know?

And now it's like this with Gen Z (But worse). And here we go with the economy rambles.. (I won't do that) - But it's like I'm stuck in a wheel of souls, spinning, painfully screaming and dying (But not actually dying) - It's eternal. Where will heaven be.. And I don't even care for heaven.. I don't want it anymore.. I just want pure nothingness (But that doesn't exist) - It just cycles in an eternal recurrence, over and over again. Like a psychedelic trip. It sucks. And the cure, is perspective - But I need something.. I don't know what it is.. I just want things to be okay. And w/e, I'm venting. Get over it lol.. I love you all..

I feel like I sound horrendous playing violin. It’s been like 16 years since I’ve played at all though so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. And it’s a very difficult instrument to master. Just gonna keep on practicing everyday and attending my weekly lessons.

The new thread is here: Roll Call 201