Roll Call 200

Emailed and asked my building manager permission to play my violin 30 minutes a day in my apartment. Just wanted to give them a heads up, don’t want to bother people with the noise. I do have a mute on my violin which lowers the sound a lot. I don’t think it will be an issue. Especially if it’s only 30 minutes a day and in my bedroom with my door closed. I don’t have neighbors next to my bedroom on the other side. Just the laundry room. People make a lot of noise here anyway. I’ll see what she says, waiting on a reply.

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Bad mental state. I take whichever euphoriants, that will kick in. But my mind is toast, unfortunate. I try..

And heart doesn't like serotonin 2A agonists. Many problems, underneath the surface. I survive, every day. I don't like to live.. It's not really my thing.

But I'll find the way..

I don't want to become a skull.. But we all will, become skulls. And shadows will hide behind the light of our bone structures, being examined by archaeologists (In other realities) - Observing our dead flesh skeletons, for millions of years. We will come back, and tell the story.. "I've been trapped in a sandstone structure forever - I turned into sand, and blew into caves and crevices... Insects and bacteria colonized, with no light.. reproducing and dying..".

As billions of years pass (And all there is, being deserts of dry salt and cracks), the scorching sun shines into our eyes.. All that is left, are resemblances of religious man made places - We will drop, colourful broken glass - And the window in the room will open, birds will escape. Tears will fall, blood will pour down the drain, spirits will transcend our bodies, hearts will stop, and rot.

Pillars of architecture collumes, on a cliff.. All the same, our observation souls - Navigating through each passage and corner - Like a cathedral. It all crumbles, and the dream accelerates down, into the valley - Crashing into rocks, to the centre of the earth. Fire and molten metal (Gold, iron, radioactive isotopes etc), melt us into pure energy - We spawn somewhere unknown, and as it all cools down, the cold, dirt covered skulls - They sit, placed forever, as the grief of something always being missing.. Seeking to be revealed in everyones pleasant dreams - For others? Nightmares - That will wake people up, very quickly...

I feel sad...

Hugs…..

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My building manager said it’s completely fine for me to play my violin. Said congrats on the lessons. And said the program manager would love to hear me play some time as violin is one of his favorite instruments

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Today is juice day later @1pm

The building manager bought a juicer and makes fresh juice for people like 3 times a month. They use thinks like carrots, cucumbers, pineapple, apples, oranges, etc the different combos they come up with have all been really good. Fresh made juice tastes so much better than store bought.

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I love the stalls in the shopping centre that do fruit juices and smoothies.

As you say, very refreshing.

Practiced violin today, two more days till my 1st lesson. Super excited.
@Loial I actually have a blender here at home that I make smoothies with. Fruit/spinach/protein powder usually is what I put in them. can’t taste the spinach in them so it’s a good way to add nutrients

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Someday, like a year or so from now, I'll probably just buy a silent electric violin, so I can just play any hours of the day as long as I want (you can only hear them with headphones plugged into them otherwise they're literally silent as the name suggests or alternatively the violin plugged into an amp). I'll have to upgrade my accoustic violin to a better acoustic at some point too, but again, that will be in a year or so, once I have money to do that. Just right now my money is going towards essentials, weekly violin lessons, vet care for my cats, and paying off school. Those are what I can afford at the moment so I won't be adding anything else for a couple years.

Beautiful day in my mind

(Now that I've had a shower, etc, and got all the morning things out of the way - Even though it's 3:33pm..).

I need.. my psychiatrist to increase the stimulant. To 200mg..

No jk, idk..

As the weeks pass, there will be less paliperidone in my blood.. And I completely stopped olanzepine!! - I thought I'd have to be on it forever... 10mg..

I send some writings of mine sometimes (To the family group chat that I have), my mom read it and said "I know why you sleep so much - It's cuz your brain works waayy too hard during the day" lol.

I'll skip the 40mg of Dexedrine every day (But still take the 60mg of Vyvanse every day), for a few days.. and see how I do..

I am doing good - But don't trust that a possible new doctor would agree with my medications. All I've learned is that doctors don't know me (Or listen), and want to exert power over me.

It hasn't happened in a long time, but I have stress over it still.

Everyone Was Wrong About Antipsychotics | WIRED

Antipsychotic amphetamines will be created...

Possibly elaborate SP... Cuz I like to think that amphetamine does something good to the brain.. Idk why it doesn't give me psychosis.. I'll have to read this again..

I would give anything though, to take just an antipsychotic, that had cognitive enhancing properties...

D1 receptor (Ok I'll look that up) - My gf is being really horny though.. I need to set boundaries...



Hmm.. They seem very similar. But most drugs that target D1, mostly target D2 first.

And then the serotonin 2A/1A receptors (Tryptamines, lysergamides etc).. Idk what those are all about, for schizophrenia..

I want to replace the 3mg of Invega with 5mg of Abilify. That would be very very nice.

It would work as an antipsychotic, and the mania would be back (But mild this time, functional)...

Although I'll stay on just the paliperidone for a while, and see how I progress.

I think my diagnosis is wrong, I don’t think I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I think I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

So my program manager found out about a program at the clinic I go to. So it’s basically a drop in place for people struggling any time of day just to get some support. He recommended me to the lady who runs it because he ran into her and she said they were looking for part-time peers and he recommended me. So basically I’d be part time and work weekends , Saturday and Sunday 10pm to 6am. So he is gonna email her right now and get the application for me.

I think we all know about questioning our dx but for me as long as the meds treat the symptoms, then it doesn’t matter what the label is.

Des the specifically selected for d2 block because that’s supposedly the mechanism but what this paper is saying is it’s really d1….

Been feeling not as bad last couple days. Still lightheaded a lot but not as tired.

Talked to the liver doctor today and she says my liver is functionally normally. Best thing I can do is be active and try to get at a healthy weight. Which I laugh at because I’m in anorexia recovery. But whatever! Liver is good. Nothing there that would be causing me to be feeling tired and lightheaded.

Wasn’t working very well last two days. Barely got anything done. But today I got a bunch of work done.

And there was this conversation on internal work message board and people were complaining about benefits (we all work for an insurance company). Which got me talking with someone else about using benefits. I’m trying to use all I can.

This got me to look up naturopath services. I found a good one around the city and thought hey why not. Maybe take some allergy and food sensitivity testing and see if they can figure out my lactose intolerance. Why not. I got coverage for $450 a year.

Also while at it I thought ‘what else can I use?’ Acupuncture! So I found a good place and booked for Tuesday after work. Why not. Maybe they can help more with my tailbone pain or something. Some people claim that acupuncture can help with mental health. I got $450 for a year coverage so why not?

So I’m using the following benefits:

- Prescription drugs
- Vision (eye exams and glasses)
- Dental (routine cleanings and mouth guard)
- Massage
- Chiropractor
- Dietician
- Psychology
- Naturopath
- Acupuncture

I have no use (thankfully) for podiatrist, speech therapy, or physiotherapy.

Anyway! Too lazy to cook dinner so ordered a rice bowl from the pita place. Chicken and bacon.




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I am trying to figure out what to do in terms of my relationship.

The only downside of him is that he doesn’t get /believe that I have a mental illness. But that is a big downside because it’s very invalidating and hard to talk to him about.

And it makes me question whether any of my experiences are real

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