Roll Call 200

I saw the Mary Shelley movie, man that was excellent, as a writer, I really appreciated watching that film that really brought to life how Frankenstein came to be. She considered herself to be the creature, it's just heart wrenching... honestly, when I first read it I thought the same of me, so that was pretty humanizing to hear that.

Still chugging along on Paradise Lost, on chapter 3 now.

I think I might end my therapy sessions with my therapists, he's helped me immensely but I just can't afford to see him anymore. I have to cut corners to save money, my health expensives are through the rough and I have other necessities like car repairs and it would be nice to take some time off. I think he helped me as much as he can, so we've just been talking about how I've been instead of diving into trauma. I'm pretty sure this is as good as this shitake show gets haha Sorry to disappoint everyone lol

The starting wage for this job is $15.50 an hour, PLUS FREE movies plus 50% off concessions which is pretty awesome

Me today. Lmao.

Went to the chiropractor, then the gym, did some shopping. Had a vegan salad with roasted sweet potato for lunch, then roasted bbq lentil snack, a smoothie, and for dinner had bbq ribs along with roasted basil potatoes and roasted garlic asparagus. Then later had a gluten free brownie mug cake.

I think today was good.

Our chronic weed smoking neighbors are gone for the weekend so I told my mom we should bbq all weekend and enjoy our backyard a lot while it’s nice and hot so I’m going to bbq some steaks tomorrow. Don’t know what to have with it. Maybe baked potato and broccoli? Idk.

Anyway tomorrow is the pride parade and then I’ll probably go to the gym in the afternoon. I want to do leg day. I have ideas.

I did some googling for local gyms and while the YMCA sounds cool with like a pool and climbing wall and stuff, I don’t think they have super heavy weights and like squat racks or anything. I want to get into super heavy lifting with powerlifting moves (squat, deadlift, and bench). So it might not be the best option. There are two other gyms not that far that do have heavy stuff.

So at the end of the month when my current gym membership ends I’ll buy some day passes and go gym shopping. It just sucks that this gym I go to now is closing and changing to some cheap generic Plant Fitness like gym instead.

With that I will say good night y’all.

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Problem is you open the door for them to ask what the disability is if you don’t come in with an obvious disability like a wheelchair. Trust me they’ll ask.

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Can’t sleep , so am up watching various anime shows

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Saco slept next to me last night and I had the best sleep ever. No nightmares, only woke up once because I was hungry and had to use the bathroom, slept in until 4am, it was great.

My knee is starting to get better too. Stairs don't hurt as much

Power is out. Fun way to start my birthday. I hope it comes back on soon. I really want a cup of coffee.

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Happy Birthday Blue_Bird! I hope your power comes back on soon

Happy b day BB = )

Happy birthday blue bird

Happy Birthday Blue_Bird =]

Thank you everyone , I’ve had a good day so far. The gifts my boyfriend got me arrived today, and we played yugioh over video chat today.

So my sister got me some new yugioh cards (two decks) and gave me some cash as well.

My boyfriend got me new violin strings, violin rosin, a violin bow, strings for my tenor and soprano ukuleles, card sleeves for my yugioh cards and a nice deck box to store on of my yugioh decks in.

Kinda overwhelmed cause I normally don’t get much on my birthday, but it’s been a nice surprise and I’m thankful

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Happy birthday, Blue_Bird!!!

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All the healthy stuff I ordered shipped and will be delivered tomorrow. Flax seed,ms, chia seeds, protein powder, almond milk, protein bars.

Tomorrow morning I get the bloodwork done. Then after I get home from that I’m gonna go to the grocery store to get some produce and a few other things I need.

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My boyfriend and I FaceTimed and did SharePlay which basically lets you watch stuff together. So we watched some anime while FaceTiming at the same time

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Not sure if anyone remembers but I have work friends and to sum it up we’ve been friends mostly on work chat and Snapchat for years. We work for the same company but we don’t work together anymore in the same department.

Last year they ghosted me. Because I was ‘too negative’. One left completely, two apologized, and one just started talking to me again without apologizing.

Ever since I’ve been pretty not caring about them. I notice more and more they don’t really care what I say.

Today I did a big thing about it - I removed them from Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook. I still have them on the Snapchat group chat and the work group chat.

So I’m closer and closer to just stop talking to them altogether. If they notice I defriended them… well, I guess I just leave.

I’ve always had this thought like ‘why should I go I did nothing wrong’ and ‘if I leave then they’ll just say **** behind my back how I just left’. Well, I don’t really care anymore.

I feel a little more free doing that. Defriending them. I’ll get the nerve and just leave those group chats altogether. One day.

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Going to get bloodwork done in a couple hours, can’t eat until I get it done. And can’t drink anything other than water

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Got the bloodwork done , and have a follow up appointment with my doctor next week (Wednesday) over phone to discuss results

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I tried quitting 12x pieces of nicotine gum a day, this morning.

I was at work, and felt severely cognitively impaired (Like never before). I told my boss that I was going to buy the gum... I didn't come back. I was supposed to work this extra day (Cuz he needed help, scrubbing the walls and stuff).

I really hate scrubbing, sanding, painting etc - It reminds me of what my ex step dad got me to do like every day for years. I can't help myself but be tortured.

So I'm only working 3 days (Instead of 4 days). Cuz my mental health gets bad. I feel bad about myself for that. I only work in the mornings.

But when I'm working, I often take naps in the evening - Like yesterday.. I went to bed at 3pm, and woke up at 8:30am (So 17 hours).

It sucks. The OCD thoughts bother me, and now I feel guilty, sitting at home - Difficult to attend to goals etc.. It's meaningless RN.

I told the pharmacist about the nicotine gum addiction, and I feel like she could think that I'm not taking the stimulant as prescribed. I try to do my best by doing/saying the right things.

I felt terrible two nights ago - I talked with my mom, and things were okay.. I took 10mg of diazepam and an extra 5mg of olanzepine. I was so screwed up, mentally. At the end of the night, my cat sat with me in my bed, and I cried.

Hugs, Des. To get off nicotine, step down gradually. Cold turkey can be too hard.

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The protein bars and all that’s stuff are here (not pictured are the flax seeds, chia seeds, and almond milk)

I made some homemade chia seed pudding. So it’s half a cup of almond milk, 2 tablespoons of chia seeds and a little honey then store in fridge overnight and serve with fruit in the morning. I didn’t have one of those little mason jars to make it in so I used a protein blender bottle to store it in, it should be fine. I’ll just scoop it out tomorrow when it’s ready to be eaten. I’ve never had anything with chia seeds before but I’ve always wanted to try chia seed pudding

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I’m trying to eat better

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I had my endoscopy today. It wasn't too bad. They didn't find anything other than some inflammation, but they took some biopsies and should have the results in five days or so. I know this sounds weird, but I'm kinda disappointed. I wanted something to say "see, I'm sick!" because I feel like my treatment team doesn't care since I'm not doing any actual damage.

They completely fking abandoned me is what they did. Case manager out for at least a month, peer support person gone AWOL, therapist keeps canceling, pdoc on vacation until the end of the month. I'm sick of everyone that I start to like--that starts to help, that starts to make things a little better--leaving me. I thought that was just regular people but apparently that happens when they get paid to listen to you too. I'm about to go down a very bad thought path so I'm gonna end it here and go.

Happy thoughts