Don't know what to do

My wife and I feel stuck and don't know what to do. I have a step son that is turning 30 this year.
A little background, he has had a pattern of being an under achiever his whole life. He quit school and has never gotten his GED. He has floated from family member to family member and lived off them until either his drug use or his non productivity has caused him to leave. When bettering himself, getting a job, getting training for a life sustaining job comes up he gives nothing but excuses, he will get some part time food service job to satisfy who he lives with but will go no further.
He had found himself in Atlanta living with the father of a friend. He left because he said the man was intrusive, always going through his things, and spying on him. This left him in a crisis, so we took him in.
my wife has a traveling job so she stays for a few months in different places across the country. He was going through the same pattern as before, not working, not trying to get any training, and getting a part time job to keep the peace. I got to spend 2 months with them in our RV earlier this year. He started telling his mother I was spying on him, that I was whispering all sorts of things to him at all hours of the day and night. He told her I bugged his handheld game console, and bugged his car. I did notice at this point he wasn't sleeping. he went so far as to take apart his car to find what he thought I put in it to track him.
He has had a history of drug use, mostly weed, but there have been other things, just do not know what and when. He hides stuff really well and can lie at the drop of a hat. I really don't take anything from him at face value anymore as I have caught him lying so often.
He has now done this 3 more times, once when he was staying with me at the house. He is currently staying with my wife out of state and is telling her I am spying on the both of them, and now I have bugged her car and phone....and that I am talking to him all the time. Needless to say we are both concerned, he needs help but being an adult he has to admit he has a problem and do something about it. He won't, he is sure I am causing him all these issues.
What can we do, at this point it seems like we will have to support him the rest of our lives and deal with the consequences of his issues. As his stepfather I have kept our confrontations from getting physical, but I'm not getting any younger. Does anyone have any advice for someone in my situation?

Hi @crayon art welcome to MSF. I am sorry your step son is acting like someone that does not care about advancing themselves. They seemed to be trapped in a pattern of dependence on people and on drugs.

This may explain some of his behaviors. Some people who use marijuana (THC) for an extended period show signs of addictive behavior. The chemicals THC coat the receptors that normally are regulated by the body good feeling hormones produced naturally. This situation creates a feeling of needing to continue THC ingestion to get that feel good feeling. The problem is that until he hits bottom there is not much chance that he will seek help. Some people say that by continuing to support them, it only keeps them locked into this addiction.

The other problem is that ingesting THC for a long period has induced psychosis in people I know and they ended up in the hospital.

It is hard to say to a parent, just let them support themselves or if they choose not to go homeless if that is what they choose. Codependence is something to look up and investigate. It is when people support people in toxic habits and keep them just safe enough that they do not have to face the consequences of their actions.

I am only a peer support person telling you what I have seen in others. Have you or his mother considered enrolling in therapy? WIth a professional they can guide your thinking, help you set up safe boundaries and avoid supportinng indirectly the addictive behaviors your step son seems to be caught in. Don't take my word, seek other opinions from professionals or support groups like Nar-Anon Nar-Anon Family Groups

I have tried working with a friend to help them with mental illness. They had to be unable to cope before they would seek help. So I think getting help for yourselves may be the best next step.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

So sorry you are in that situation. Wish I knew exactly how to help.

Not sure this is a good idea, but you might consider seeing a psychologist for advice on how to deal with your step son. Sometimes it helps to have a professional in one's corner. The problems you mentioned seem too heavy a burden to bear without professional help.

I would not tell your step son that you are doing this since it seems he is afflicted with paranoia. There are online psychologists who can offer advice for a small fee. I don't have any personal experience with this service however.

Since I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist myself, I am clueless about how to handle the heavy burdens that rest on your shoulders. Perhaps even my advice about seeking out professional help is not good. Sometimes one wants to help someone but lacks the knowledge, experience, insight and skill to be truly helpful.

Hopefully other members here will see your post and have better words for you than my poor words. I can't even imagine the frustration you go through. It must be distressing, draining and demoralizing. Sounds like you are already doing everything you can think of. Do you think it might be time to call in a professional?

Please lean us here in these Forums for moral support as your navigate this unwelcome state of affairs. Apologies again for not knowing how to be helpful. My heart goes out to you.

His paranoia sounds like psychosis which may be weed-induced.

He absolutely has to stop using weed or any drugs for that matter.


Could he do something positive like taking a course in martial arts? Learning a musical instrument...landscaping/gardening something concrete and tactile to ground him.

Is it possible to speak with a psychiatrist to discuss his case and possibly have him admitted to hospital? Depending on the diagnosis he might be eligible for some type of disability pension.


It's very worrisome, the state he is in...

Thanks for the support and the information.
I guess the answer is what I was thinking it was. I am afraid of what rock bottom would look like for him. When he got kicked out in Atlanta he lived in his car for weeks, and it took him doing hard drugs and losing his job to reach out to his mother. Again it is how he told it, so I can't be sure on how true it is.

If you thinks he’s a danger to himself or others you may be able to get him committed and treated but not prior to that unless it’s voluntary. To work with him try the book, I’m not sick I don’t need help.

The real problem with this is he doesn't seem to be a danger to himself or others at this point. The only time he tried to get physical with me was when he had an episode at the house. I spoke to his mom and we agreed if he stayed with his brother, he wouldn't be around me and I couldn't "spy on him" or "whisper to him". He tried to fight me but I blocked everything and didn't go on the offensive, de escalating the situation. I still made him leave.
He mostly plays video games all day and eats, that's about it. When I am around him I engage him in conversation about 2 or 3 times a day mostly to judge his mood.

I meant to get back here sooner. Sorry for the delay. You shouldn't be so self demeaning, you have echoed some of the feedback I have received here. You seem like a good dude trying to help. So, thank you, it was appreciated.

Sorry to butt in here, but I would like to share my thoughts if I can have a little of your time. Now when someone is struggling and perhaps paranoid their behaviour can become somewhat erratic as they get triggered. Personally (and please bear in mind I'm not a health professional etc), I think stability and security reign more important than the outward displayed behaviours. Understanding and reassurace can be a calming influence, but it's a process that takes time. For example showing kindness to a abused animal takes time before gaining their trust. Criticism etc. might lead to barriers in communication and achieve nothing else besides resentment and rebellion. I wonder if he has any support teams etc. Perhaps these are the people who need approaching for advice, support and help etc. aswell as taking some of the responsibility/burden off your shoulders. I hope this has been of some help.

I wish he had someone to confide in honestly and someone other than his mother he would connect with. I am pretty sure he has burnt all of his bridges with all of his friends and family.
I can tell you it won't be me. I married his mother after he was out of the house. Mostly he puts up with me. I am the dude that married his mother, he hast to accept it but that is about it. Earlier I tried to be more friendly and reach out a few times. Anytime I tried to have a constructive conversation with him, his mother would bring it up a day or so later. Not sure why he felt he need to tell his mom everything we discussed, but it was enough of a warning. He didn't want it.
When I come across people that I can't trust, I just go flat, no emotion either way. I really did try to reach out more times than I can tell you. But, now I am the focus of his issues, so I am not anyone he will trust. I am so pissed at him for doing this to me, mostly by his trying to turn his mother against me, but I just bury it.

I understand what you are saying about an abused animal, but how many times do you have to get bit till you back off?

So the laws are designed not to impinge on the rights of people who aren’t dangerous, you might want to go the book route because if he’s not dangerous all you can do is convince him to seek help.