Roll Call 201

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2023 at 02:19 AM

Possible trigger:

I went to sleep, woke up, and a woman was shining a light through my window (But knocking on someone elses window saying "Come on lets go" idk if it was a cop. I feel like the cops and intelligence agencies are stalking me, and can see me through walls. I can't stop obsessing about the African immigrant and what he said to me - I know my problems aren't worse than his, or his upbringing or w/e but I get pumped full of drugs to be even able to work part time - And beginning of this year, I took the benzos and walked on the train tracks, wanted to decapitate myself. I'm going to let everyone at work know what's on my mind. But I'm going to stay up and meditate - First I'll listen to some music. I'm sick of scrubbing things. 10% of people with schiz succeed in committing suicide, and are often on the streets, doing drugs or in psych wards etc - Cuz family doesn't care abou them. I feel like my work doesn't appreciate me (For not working long enough) - They have different opinions about society. Well society has fallen apart and it'll get worse - They're just a family trying to survive. The nicest one to me is the daughter of the owner of the restaurant. Anyways, I'm taking * and phenibut in the morning before work so I can be more relaxed and have a better mood. I'm too dysfunctional cuz of other people, and no one exists anyways. God has schizophrenia - His creations are just hallucinations. Life is an illusion - And I'll probably get better but maybe all this constant Nonsense that I have to deal with, will last forever. I just want to wake up and know my true self. I think the material world (Including sex) is EVIL. But balance goes for everything- But the scrubbing of walls? I wish to be happy, doing that.. with my thoughts.. maybe I have to start online courses ASAP, and be a neuropsychopharmacologist.. my dream job.. even though the chances of nuclear war have never been higher. **** all of this people saying that I should be a slave when I'm dependent on medications to even be able to live without suicide and still think about it almost every day. I'm trying so hard to be good. I can't do small talk - So what if I was texting at work. Leave me the **** alone. People need to do that, I ge that there's curiosity but I think people are always judging me. I'm sick of these hallucinations - When can I find peace, but also excitement.. instead of this negative ********. I'm happy often naturally, and it gets taken away... I need help but no one can help me, only myself.. where ever I go, it's torture. I don't care if I become so negative anymore. I want to be happy like anyone else. I'm not better or worse than anyone, or saying my struggles are worse - But the * in 2016? That messed me up even way more.. But also saved me...

Maybe I should ask everyone at work for their phone numbers or FB so I can share with them, my thoughts.. cuz I'm terrible at talking.. I forget what I'm saying, and want to talk about philosophical thoughts, overthinking, genius stuff.. rumination.. ideas.. I'm a lost cause lol.

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2023 at 02:24 AM

I have everything.. I have it all.. One of the best lives in the world.. And my thoughts still destroy me..

I'll try and meditate at 2am (Maybe outside on the grass, with my noise canceling earbuds in) =]

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2023 at 04:05 AM

I vented all of this to my family group chat. My brother, mom and autist friend helped. I feel much better.

It's just crazy, how my dreams were all pleasant, and then I wake up - The negative thoughts started to come again, intensely..

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but I can do it.. I just get bothered a lot.. I didn't meditate, but my brother told me to listen to "Brown noise - It calms an overactive mind".. It sounds like a waterfall.. It's good..

I'll go to sleep now.. And just when I'm typing right now? It seems weird.. Like I have some muscle problem in my hands/body.. Or reality is becoming laggy (Like a video game)...

Sleep.. Gn all!

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2023 at 09:26 AM

Not looking forward to work tonight. It’s a holiday weekend. Right before school starts. Which means it’s gonna be extra busy due to it one being a holiday weekend and two being their second biggest sales season next to Christmas since parents are there buying clothes for their kids for the new school year.

The lady who was training me the other day said it’s okay to be slow and don’t let anyone rush me. Speed comes with time and experience. So I’m just gonna try to get through each transaction correctly and start learning the things I’m still struggling with like returns and layaways. It’s only my 2nd day on the register. Day one was orientation. Today is my third day there.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2023 at 09:35 AM

I have my violin lesson in a couple hours

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sometimes psychotic · Sep 03, 2023 at 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Not looking forward to work tonight. It’s a holiday weekend. Right before school starts. Which means it’s gonna be extra busy due to it one being a holiday weekend and two being their second biggest sales season next to Christmas since parents are there buying clothes for their kids for the new school year.

The lady who was training me the other day said it’s okay to be slow and don’t let anyone rush me. Speed comes with time and experience. So I’m just gonna try to get through each transaction correctly and start learning the things I’m still struggling with like returns and layaways. It’s only my 2nd day on the register. Day one was orientation. Today is my third day there.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I tell people sorry I’m new sometimes it helps.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2023 at 12:42 PM

Had a good violin lesson. My violin teacher is doing two events in upstate NY this month. She said if she’s able to on her way there or back she will stop by so we can meet in person and I said I’ll buy us lunch at a cafe around here

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2023 at 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

I tell people sorry I’m new sometimes it helps.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yeah I did that a few times my first day on the register. People have mostly been nice about it.

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2023 at 01:50 PM

A great day!

Work was good.. I started rambling to the new cook and asking him questions too. He's probably surprised by what I was saying.. I was just rambling to him..

I took phenibut, and a microdose gummy + The morning stim. I feel much better.

Now, to recover.. from horrible feelings. I have work to do (Procrastinating doing online courses - Looking up conspiracies and listening to music). It is all I should do for today.

I asked my boss if he wanted me to work tomorrow (When I don't have to) and he said "sure, if you want to" (Cuz he knows that I had a tough time working 4x days a week) - I asked him if it would be busy, and he said "Yes". So hopefully should be no problem.

The video game lagging (Of my fingers, when I type) is gone.. Idk what that was all about (Last night)..

Angelique67 · Sep 03, 2023 at 04:14 PM

I'm shaking now when I go out to vape. If I sit up straight it's worse than if I lean back, but then the vapor burns my lip. I don't know if it's from my meds or Parkinson's.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Angelique67 · Sep 03, 2023 at 04:16 PM

I don't really enjoy vaping anymore. I could quit but then I wouldn't get my outside time, or the little walk. Idk.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2023 at 10:25 PM

On my way home from work

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2023 at 11:08 PM

My feet hurt, my back hurts. I got home, took my sweaty uncomfortable work clothes off and put a tshirt and shorts on and am laying down relaxing. I have the day off tomorrow. Thank God. Tonight was hectic as hell. I think I did a little better than my 2nd day though. I procesed some gift cards properly and also did a return/exchange properly too so that's something.

Blue_Bird · Sep 04, 2023 at 02:46 PM

Working tomorrow from 10am to 5pm

Sometimes psychotic · Sep 04, 2023 at 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Working tomorrow from 10am to 5pm

That’s a long shift….

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Desoxyn · Sep 04, 2023 at 03:29 PM

I did an extra day of work! And it was zero problem.. I think everything is okay.. It's a good day today =] 3 days off, my dad will come to visit. He gave the codeines to his unemployed, weed smoking, conspiracy old hippie friend (Instead of my grandmother - On my moms side).

Blue_Bird · Sep 04, 2023 at 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

That’s a long shift….

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yeah it is, they don’t really have any cashiers for tomorrow so they’re trying to get people to pick up that shift so I took it. Don’t know who will be with me but at least I won’t be getting home after midnight. I’ll get home while it’s still light out.
I get a 30 minute lunch break and like one or two 15 minute breaks too though.

Blue_Bird · Sep 04, 2023 at 03:41 PM

The manager who was in charge of making schedules died last week. So it’s kind of hectic and I haven’t gotten a schedule yet. They’ve just been calling me like the day before they need to me to ask if I can come in. They said they should have the schedules done in a few weeks from now

Blue_Bird · Sep 04, 2023 at 07:13 PM

I meet my new psychiatrist on Wednesday. Appointment will be an hour long since it’s my first time seeing him since my other one of 7 years left to work at the hospital. Hopefully he’s nice. I don’t need any med adjustments, other than maybe starting a beta blocker for anxiety for work. Other than that I’m good. Then on Thursday I see my therapist. She doesn’t even know I started working. She knew I was looking for a job for a long time but the last time I saw her was 5 weeks ago and within that time I got an interview, got hired and started working last week. So that’s gonna be some super exciting news to share. I think I’ve made a lot of progress over the years. It’s been slow but I’m definitely a lot better than I was when I was 14-24 years old. It all seemed to happen fast too. 6 months ago I wasn’t in a relationship, I wasn’t volunteering, I wasn’t working, and I wasn’t doing well mentally. Now I’m doing all those things plus taking violin lessons. It’s crazy how things can just seem to not change forever then suddenly everything has changed.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Sep 04, 2023 at 07:23 PM

Anyone have any tips on how to figure out how the hell to fill out tax paperwork? It is so confusing and I’ve never done it before

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Roll Call 75	12AM	Schizophrenia and Psychosis	956	Mar 14, 2016 09:29 AM
Roll Call 74	Anonymous59786	Schizophrenia and Psychosis	1002	Mar 04, 2016 02:13 PM
Roll Call 73	falcon09	Schizophrenia and Psychosis	999	Feb 26, 2016 09:31 AM
Roll Call 60	neil w	Schizophrenia and Psychosis	999	Aug 24, 2015 09:44 PM

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Roll Call 201

My Support Forums

Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 13,011 (SuperPoster!) 7 4,922 hugs given	Sep 03, 2023 at 02:24 AM #182 I have everything.. I have it all.. One of the best lives in the world.. And my thoughts still destroy me.. I'll try and meditate at 2am (Maybe outside on the grass, with my noise canceling earbuds in) =]

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,816 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.4k hugs given	Sep 03, 2023 at 09:35 AM #185 I have my violin lesson in a couple hours Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi

Angelique67 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Oct 2014 Location: USA Posts: 22,122 (SuperPoster!) 9	Sep 03, 2023 at 04:14 PM #190 I'm shaking now when I go out to vape. If I sit up straight it's worse than if I lean back, but then the vapor burns my lip. I don't know if it's from my meds or Parkinson's. Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Angelique67 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Oct 2014 Location: USA Posts: 22,122 (SuperPoster!) 9	Sep 03, 2023 at 04:16 PM #191 I don't really enjoy vaping anymore. I could quit but then I wouldn't get my outside time, or the little walk. Idk. Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,816 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.4k hugs given	Sep 03, 2023 at 10:25 PM #192 On my way home from work Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,816 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.4k hugs given	Sep 04, 2023 at 02:46 PM #194 Working tomorrow from 10am to 5pm __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi

Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 13,011 (SuperPoster!) 7 4,922 hugs given	Sep 04, 2023 at 03:29 PM #196 I did an extra day of work! And it was zero problem.. I think everything is okay.. It's a good day today =] 3 days off, my dad will come to visit. He gave the codeines to his unemployed, weed smoking, conspiracy old hippie friend (Instead of my grandmother - On my moms side).