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Default Sep 11, 2023 at 05:31 PM
  #301
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Originally Posted by Desoxyn View Post
I'm horribly confused and lost. I'm tired.

My dreams were more unbelievably vivid than necessary. My dream imagery is insane. Who TF comes up with that stuff.

hope you have a good rest of the week

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Default Sep 11, 2023 at 05:33 PM
  #302
I need to find something to pass the time

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Default Sep 11, 2023 at 05:39 PM
  #303
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Hugs dude….I’m. It feeling great either, super irritable

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Thanks I hope you feel better too

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Default Sep 11, 2023 at 06:18 PM
  #304
I’ve been feeling bloated and ****** and now I have pelvic pain but I pushed through and made vegan enchiladas with avocado crema.

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Looks funny but it was delicious.

I see my family doctor tomorrow. Tell him how I’ve been doing.

I’m trying not to worry. I was worrying I had Crohn’s but now I’m worried I have like ovarian cancer. I mean something isn’t right so idk I’m just worried.

And I’m worried about money. I feel I’m going to max out my credit cards and be $500 away from being completely without money or credit.

I just worry. It keeps me awake at night.

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Default Sep 11, 2023 at 10:28 PM
  #305
My mom wanted all of her kids to end up free spirits. Look how I ended up.

I want to die.
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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 02:26 AM
  #306
I'm okay now.. Ups and downs..

The forever trip. Forever and ever and ever =]

But gotta take a break.. And solve the overwhelmings of infinity - Like the hundred million questions that I've asked ChatGPT.. Christ..

All of the good things that people have said to me, I suppose they are real.. And they will keep me going, throughout the time of my dying, tortured, soul.

I'm one of the most sane people out of everyone that is insane.
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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 09:37 AM
  #307
Saw my regular doctor this morning. Told him all that’s up lately.

He’s sending me for a pelvic ultrasound because he thinks it’s gyno related all my troubles. I have to call my gyno constantly to see if they have any openings otherwise I have to wait until Oct 13 to see her.

Which annoys me. I have to suffer for a month not knowing what’s up.

Like it could be fibroids, or a cyst, or god forbid cancer.

So now I can’t focus on work I’m thinking too much.

Oh and I have to see a physiotherapist for my arm pain. Which is fine but annoying.

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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 01:42 PM
  #308
Had a good volunteer shift today with the cats. They’re so cute. Practiced violin for 30 minutes. My next lesson is on Sunday. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment in the morning then a meeting with my program manager. Then on Thursday I work.

My bf and I each got some magic the gathering cards/decks so we’re gonna play that together over video chat this weekend. I’ve never played that one before but I’ve heard good things about it.

I bought some Halloween candy because why not.

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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 01:45 PM
  #309
I resubscribed to Netflix. So I’m excited to see what’s new on there and start catching up on some shows. The Witcher season 3 came out and I still need to watch that. It’s one of my favorite shows

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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 02:10 PM
  #310
Acupuncture today, dietician on Saturday, physiotherapist on Monday. Then no appointments until chiropractor next Saturday. Then two tattoo appointments and birthday at the end of month.

So I just have to wait when this pelvic ultrasound comes through. Hopefully they take it as a rush and I got it soon. I’m not looking forward to it but it’s gotta be done. It’s something.

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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 04:01 PM
  #311
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Acupuncture today, dietician on Saturday, physiotherapist on Monday. Then no appointments until chiropractor next Saturday. Then two tattoo appointments and birthday at the end of month.

So I just have to wait when this pelvic ultrasound comes through. Hopefully they take it as a rush and I got it soon. I’m not looking forward to it but it’s gotta be done. It’s something.

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Hope you get some answers soon! And awesome about the tattoos!

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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 04:02 PM
  #312
I’m so proud of myself. I used my new pan to make hamburger helper. I know that sounds ridiculously stupid but cooking in any form is typically too overwhelming and anxiety inducing that I almost never to it, I really on super quick meals like sandwiches and stuff. So it’s nice that I prepared a meal tonight. I know it’s not technically “cooking” since it’s just hamburger helper but I’m still proud

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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 04:11 PM
  #313
I want to learn how to actually cook but it’s kind of intimidating

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Default Sep 12, 2023 at 06:15 PM
  #314
Met up with my therapist today. We just walked and talked in town. It was pretty good to actually go out and socialise. Hope you're all well.
 
 
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Default Sep 13, 2023 at 12:00 AM
  #315
There's so many problems.. I don't even know where to begin. More problems than I started with. I just want the ocean of this life wash over me, so I can drown, cry, fall to my knees. That's the way I want to go out.

I don't care what anyone thinks. Show me a reason to change. There is no reason.

Why were we born... A reason.. Why were we traumatized, a reason. Why to heal, a reason. Why to die. A reason.

There are reasons for it all. Too many ****ing reasons.

Find the one reason..
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Default Sep 13, 2023 at 12:08 AM
  #316
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Default Sep 13, 2023 at 12:51 AM
  #317
Nvm I'm fine. But this is my wish. To drown. I want no one to save me but God or something.

Can I save myself? No. I am what drowning is. That's me. I'll save everyone else from drowning..

But in the end, the water fills my lungs, I scream, pass out.. And hallucinate - Some other.. Weird nonsense...
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Default Sep 13, 2023 at 12:59 AM
  #318
How many people have given me a slap in the face.. It's all out of things like "You're making a big deal out of nothing" or "You poor traumatized soul".

Where is the line. There is none. for everyone.

And we continue... As a mass of souls, reaching a destination. It's always death... But which death? Which life do you want to have? You decide..

You decide..

And then we'll all come back around, and understand each other.. The love will come, during those times..

And then there is peace, and everything God ever wanted, once the circle is complete.
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Default Sep 13, 2023 at 01:05 AM
  #319
It bothers me.. Who I really am, and how I relate to the world...

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Default Sep 13, 2023 at 04:48 AM
  #320
Did a 30 day program, start IOP today, doing good stuff. My birthday was yesterday and I was planning on hiking a 4k'er but had a couple appointments so just did a small local hike in between them instead. I'll save the 4k'er for when I'm done with IOP.

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