Roll Call 201

I know how it feels . Heart OCD almost killed me (Even though my heart is fine) - But for you, it's real more complex. Take certain times to not Google, and live usual life - Then plan a specific time to Google again.

Roll Call is dying... Everyone is on TikTok =[

And a lot of the mental illnesses there aren't even real =[

It's China, trying to destroy America.

Sometimes we just need to talk about things.. That's all. Truth and understanding, love, etc. If not, gloss over this - It's just me, writing here - For many decades.. About my thoughts.. and schizophrenia..

It has been a long road - Wrestling with infinity, medicated on Invega Trinza.

You will all be okay btw.

Truth doesn't lie.

I'm feeling all of these emotions. What am I doing.. where is my experience, with life.. How do I learn the right things..

Time will tell. I think I want peace, almost.

That's how much fight I still have left in me.

But in the end, we will all find out.

We've been depressed for so long

Had my violin lesson today. Was good, mostly focused on the g major scale, telling the difference between natural notes, flats and sharps on the fretboard and worked a little on the e minor scale and on Carol of the bells some. I’ve got most of the song down just have a few notes to work on them to do the rest of it in the higher octave then I will have it down completely.

That’s awesome. Sounds like you got a plan too

I’ve been playing a little more today. Just focusing on finger strength and barre chords. Tomorrow I plan to pick one of my songs to learn.

What a beautiful day to be alive =]

I had musical hallucinations last night (During sleep paralysis) - I couldn't wake up. But before that, I was in my old house (In the basement), trying to plug in my phone (And the electricity didn't work) - And I saw an old cup of chocolate milk, so I went to pour it down the drain (In the bathroom), but ended up carrying it up the stairs.. I fell down the stairs (And held onto the guard rail), continued up to the kitchen.. My sister came towards me (And I freaked out, got really scared), she said - "The electricity doesn't work in one side of the house - And isn't it weird that the house doors are covered with glass doors? It's like the psych ward you were in" and I said "Yeah you're right".. Then my mom opened the door (This was in the middle of the night, in the dream) and said "It's so beautiful outside - I'm going to take a picture" (It was all really creepy).

I was hungry (In my dream), so I was at McDonalds, ordering food, and I fell to my knees (Trying to order) and I said "I'm sorry.. Just let me try and order.." - Then I realized that I couldn't wake up.. So I did the usual, moving my leg off the bed.. I got tired, tried again, got tired, tried again (Realized after, that I had my hoodie on, so I was getting kind of hot, under the covers) - I woke up, and the room was spinning a little, for about 2 minutes. The musical hallucinations were so beautiful though - I was singing, and someone was playing such melodic guitar, rhyming as fluent as a genius musician..

I went back to sleep, and woke up in the morning.. Just lying there, hearing voices saying things like "Do crime", "Smoke crack" (It was the first time that voices scared me - Cuz I'm more spiritual now, like a normal person.. And not atheist and not 100% scientific). When I got out of bed, they went away.

But they were "Hypnotic auditory hallucinations" - I think cuz of going to sleep (In the evening) after the low dose pregabalin (75mg) and 20mg of Dexedrine SRC. Cuz "hypnosis" means "Sedated but also in a focused state". So yeah.

I don't expect this to happen in the future much. It used to happen 50% of every morning (When I was 17-18) - When I was 18, I said to the psychiatrist, "Most of my hallucinations are hypnotic hallucinations" (But he didn't listen to me, and diagnosed me with schizophrenia).

Ordered pumpkin spice cookies…like break and bake and then the Oreo kind.

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That's awesome I struggled a lot with barre chords on the ukulele, I didn't practice those that much though so that's probably part of the reason

Here's a few of the songs my teacher is going to help me work my way up to (eventually, it will take a lot of time and practice)

I used to have a lot of hallucinations like that, they went away eventually though, Idk if it was the meds I was on or if being on the right meds now is what stopped them. Or if it was just a side effect of the old meds I was on (invega, depakote and seroquel). Haven't had them since being on abilify, thorazine, trileptal, and zoloft though

I also had weird times where I'd wake up but not be fully 100% awake but be able to see my surroundings and be hallucinating like giant spiders and hearing things, feeling things. But it would go away once I was fully up. Like hypnagogic hallucinations or whatever. They were kind of unsettling.

Oooh sounds good! I can't wait till I get my first pumpkin spice thing of the season

Love all of those!

I had a good day, violin lesson went well, spent time with my boyfriend watching anime and playing yugioh together, then talked about music theory for awhile with him. His guitar teacher and my violin teacher know eachother, his guitar teacher recommended her to me since I was looking for a teacher. She is really good. She plays violin in a band, and her grandmother was a professional violinist. I'm currently learning about the circle of 5ths, this is the link my teacher sent me after our lesson, to read and look at

What is the Circle of Fifths in Music Theory? | by Thomas Chase Jones | Medium

She said I have a very good ear as far as being able to tell when a note is off/too high or too low and my ability to self correct it when I hit something wrong, and she was impressed at my progress over the past week and is excited to have someone excited to actually practice and learn. I'm in this for the long haul, super excited about it

I'm hoping to take lessons for at least 3 years. Hopefully longer but we'll see how my financial situation is in 3 years from now cause things can always change who knows

Right now what I've been playing/posting videos of on Facebook is a beginner version of carol of the bells, Lindsey Stirling's version is much more complex but we're gonna work up to that over time Right now the goal is to be able to play this version I've been working on all the way through perfectly by Christmas time

I caved in and took 5mg of olanzepine and 0.25mg of clonazepam. I feel anxious, and also like I'm an insane person.

Imagine how much people pretend to feel normal, and then cave in. Lol. It sucks.

But at least no DPDR (Otherwise I wouldn't be able to write until it's over).

Hope you feel better Desoxyn glad to hear you’re not having DPDR

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Thanks. I feel better - Not sure if they even kicked in yet. I was at a restaurant (With my mom and sister) - Just walking in the summer, through so many people..

I'm becoming scared of people (When I never really used to be) - It's just the more self aware I am.

I don't want to act like I'm better than any stranger, and also don't want to feel like I'm inferior/scared. It's confusing. I love all people, but people are crazy... And will stab me.

I had a thought "I should walk up to HA and ask him to stab me" (Yeah, I know.. I'm real disturbed lol.. - But they're all joke thoughts..) to face the fear of death etc.

Before I walked outside, I was like "I'm not suicidal, but I don't really care if I die".