Roll Call 201

They tell me I do a good job (Even gave me a hug once for doing over what is expected all the time), and I get everything done fast and early. Why do I have to stay longer, when it's not busy.. They want me to meticulously scrub dry grease for 30 seconds per spot, and there's 500 spots (That you can barely see).. On one door, that can be left for a year, and it wouldn't matter - I can do those things not every day, and I find it hard to find the spots, cuz I cleaned them all as far as I can know - I could spend 10 minutes scrubbing, and then I have another hour to kill.. Searching, around for spots.. Confused as **** and overthinking while I'm scrubbing cuz it won't go away, and I panic about eternally not being able to do nothing, but also nothing important either).

Scrubbing the spots for such a long time, makes me frustrated - As if all the "meaningful" work that I've done for them doesn't matter - Cuz they want me to do extra, so they can sit around, talk, and don't have to do something that isn't that important themselves. If it were important, then they would tell me to do it FIRST, above all the other things that are supposed to be important to them. But they don't - And because I don't, they expect me to be obedient - Like my ex step dad, who I've done every little scrubbing and sanding for cuz he was too lazy to do the meaningless **** himself, and didn't fix my god damn car that I bought when I was 16, even though he was a mechanic - So I drove around in a quad bike, and didn't bother getting a license. I had to sell the ****** car.

Why did I even do all of those things for him.... It was torture and humiliating. he wasn't even my real dad and I hated him, he manipulated me, used us for Canadian citizenship, won the lottery and left the next day. He also beat my mom, screwed around on my her while they were engaged, with a 999 dollar engagement ring, even though he made 200k a year. I didn't know until after, and he would protect her from other men, and wouldn't allow her to have friends, like some alpha prick.

He did it to another family after us, and he did it to another family before us.

Evil, narcissistic, sociopath, mother ****er

lol

I can't wait until I'm like 35 and have my identity etc figured out more properly

I've tried, tried diazepam to
Be the optimist and resist cards folding
You're the crutch that I'm holding
Don't want tomorrow 'cause right now I'm golden

Don't lie lie diazepam you
Promised me the world but now I'm rotting and moulding
And my face it feels swollen
Anaesthetic I block that emotion

I bought a Fitbit inspire 2. It’s an older model but I really mainly use it for tracking steps and sleep. So I really don’t need like a Fitbit versa 4 with all the extra stuff on it or something. Those are nice but they’re not in the budget. I got this Fitbit inspire 2 on eBay for $30, it is pre-owned but in original box and was never used. So I’m excited to get that.

I went to the SSA office with my program manager to turn in my pay stubs from work, update my address (for some reason it had my old address) get a benefits award letter, and get a password for my social security account so I can log in and submit my pay stubs online from now on instead of having to deal with going to the office in person. So all that was taking care of in one visit. Next week I find out how much my rent stipend gets decreased due to working part time. So then I’ll have a better idea of my finances.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and he is going to give me a letter so I can become my own payee instead of having my sister as my representative payee. So I’ll be managing all my finances on my own and everything will be in my name from now on.

My work schedule was posted. Still working Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Tuesdays I’m volunteering with the cat rescue organization.

I’m gonna make chili today in the crockpot as soon as I can motivate myself to get up and dice an onion and brown the beef in the skillet. That’s really all I have to do. Everything after that just goes into the crockpot and cooks by itself. Should be a good amount of meals out of that. I’m interested to see how it comes out. I can’t remember the last time I had homemade chili, it’s been so long. My mom used to make it a lot and it was amazing but I never made it myself before.

My bf has today off work so we’ll probably watch some shows and play some games together later today.

I really don’t have anything else going on today. Getting all that Social security stuff taken care of is a huge relief.

I already paid for my violin lesson for Sunday. Other than that this weekend I’m gonna thoroughly clean my apartment because it desperately needs it. And I’m gonna put up my Christmas tree. Enjoy the weekend then back to work Monday. I’ve been pretty lost and not sure what to do with myself this past week and a half off work, it was nice the first couple days but lately I’ve just been bored out of my mind and trying to find ways to occupy myself and not knowing what to do with all this time on my hands. I actually don’t like it. I appreciate my time off more when I’m working. When it’s like a day or so. Not a whole week and a half. I got used to being productive and having a sense of purpose and belonging. It will be nice to be back Monday. I know it’s still gonna be stressful af especially because it’s the holiday season and it’s retail but I kind of like the challenge in an odd way I guess. I don’t like feeling stagnant in my life.

But anyway, the fitbit should motivate my to be active. Any time I’ve had a fitbit in the past my general physical activity (steps etc) has gone way up because seeing the numbers on my wrist motivates me like nothing else can. And I got my water bottle, so trying to drink more water. Start prioritizing sleep. Hygiene, meditation, etc.

I’ve been stressing about money. Debt. Maxed out credit cards. I’ve been slipping. Cutting my spending a lot now. Payday today so I got some payments out. Feeling a little less stressed now.

But I feel mentally unfocused. Impulsive. I want to cut my hair, go shopping, get drink, self harm. But also do nothing. I feel a little depressed.

Doctor said I should try to work on hobbies. Going to the gym, crocheting, and video games. It’s hard to focus though. But I’m trying. Going to go to the gym tomorrow. It’s customer appreciation day there so idk might be too busy. Maybe go really early before the crowds.

I might get my mom to cut my hair for me. I have been feeling like cutting my hair for a while now. Bangs and a Bob. Then when I save money I can dye it purple.

Just trying to make it through the day.

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Good day today =] I said the thing to my boss (When she asked "hru?");

And then she talked to me for a while with her friend, about my Z Fold 3 phone. It wasn't busy, so I left a little early. Daughter/Server showed me funny things on her phone.

I came home, my dad has left.. I gave him a hug goodbye this morning. I put the mattress away, showered, etc.. All regular things.

I then smoked a flower gum to make me feel good and mellow.

Put the tree up early cause it makes me happy

Just wondering about the focus part…have you been tested for adhd? I didn’t use to have it prior to APs I took a few years to kick in but as is my mantra fish oil helped.

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The chili I made

I might be in psychosis not sure. But I don't really care. The damage has been done, as I have explained for many decades on here (Lol) - No but seriously.. It's too late. All I need is my soul to be freed. And I will fight endlessly, for eternity.. To free my soul. Even after all my bones fall from the burning sky, rearranging into a heart shape - Black and burnt, the blood from my suffering will drip onto it, like red paint, from hell. Onto the structure of my stubbornness, and what I feel deeply. Radiating and echoing, throughout the universe, for unintentional revenge and pure love.

No guys don't mind me.. What am I doing..

Damn it...

The suffering doesn't end though. I just don't see things going good. Because I react badly to what has happened. I have PTSD not schiz or anything.

It's true though...

I'd love to have a normal stable life, but instead it seems I'm trapped in a nightmare that never ends and I keep thinking it's going to end soon. I start a new business, and sure enough every freaking time I find another business idea that seems better. I never finish anything!! If only I could be financially free.

Right now I'm getting close to maxing my credit to $7000 but hopefully I'll start making money in my business. The $7000 debt will surely force me to stick with this business plan to the end. So far it's working. I'm staying on track.

My sister calls about once or twice per month and keeps telling me I need to give up on my dream of being my own boss and get a job at walmart or something. Even my sister likes my latest business idea and says it's the best one so far but then she immediately says get a job at walmart.

Maybe I'm just fooling myself, but it's my decision. It's do or die to the end.

Your cat is absolutely adorable! I love Christmas cat pics.

Thank you! She loves the Christmas tree

I take omega complex (3-6-9) and have for months.

But yeah, idk, I’ve never really thought about Adhd before. My sister has it. So idk.

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My heart has yet another physical bruise that must heal

I miss being by the fire. When it all ended. In 2017. Listening to The War on Drugs.

And when it all began, fizzing out to the here and now. The embers rise into the cold winter sky.. And burn out with my dreams wished upon the stars.

I feel much better. Things will continue. I needed a death day today.