Roll Call 201

No am jk lol

Paranoia at its finest =p

My mom asked me if I wanted to visit one of her hotels, and stay there.. It would be a few hour drive, through the Rockies - I said "I'll be fine here, overnight.."

But no.. All I'll do is try to understand apocalyptic things. So I'll go with my mom, to the hotel, listen to a podcast during the drive etc..

I have to find some good podcasts. I will make the theme as "Meditation" (Cuz I used ket) - Therefore, I will focus on mind.. and divine awareness.. Still, observant.. Looking at the Christmas trees, covered in snow, the rivers, mountains and lakes..

It'll be good. I'm on all of the right meds (For what ever that is worth - It's worth a lot btw.. How would I ever manage, in this world, if I was the same now as back then? Although the world hasn't changed much, honestly..)...

And there lies freedom of thought and perception. To see how everyone else sees it - And not as a psychosis person.

Had a good time volunteering with the cats today!

I’m off today. Tomorrow I have work from 5pm to 9pm , then work again Thursday from 11am to 3pm. Then I’m off for 3 days.

Gonna practice violin a little later today. Feeling pretty good

My pulse was irregular last night, for short while. Then my back hurt (But upper) - I either have a kidney stone or musculoskeletal pain.

I listened to the podcast during the drive, I'll meditate soon.. Maybe sneak in some apocalyptic news first (I know, I can't help myself..)...

Done working for today. I kept a lot calmer today. Those long streams of bad luck didn't show up today. Will find a movie on amazon prime to watch. Last day. My membership ends tomorrow.

Had a good appointment with my psychiatrist today. I asked him to decrease the chlorpromazine (Thorazine) and he said that was perfectly fine, so now I’ll be taking 100mg of it instead of 200mg. I started on 400mg and was on 400mg of it for 4-5 years. My goal is to eventually get off it, slowly. But to keep taking my other meds. Trileptal, abilify, Zoloft, and propranolol. He sent out refills. He said he touched base with my sister about me becoming my own payee and he said she felt I was ready too but that he’s gonna push it to January just to make sure things keep going well with the job and managing things etc. which is completely fair, I think that’s a good idea given my history. We have an appointment on January 5th and if all goes well he’ll fill out the paperwork for me to be my own payee.

Going on a well needed mountain hike then to vons supermarket. Feeling better today. I'll try hard to meditate today. I keep forgetting. It's not easy sitting still doing and thinking about nothing. Maybe it's okay to meditate for 10 to 15 minutes at first.

I hear voices all throughout the day but getting better at ignoring them. Some are nice. Some are hateful. I stopped taking meds long time ago after leaving T. Idk if it was good to leave but I survived and think I'll make it alone. I have deep deep feelings every day about my reality and everything but I'm also getting much better at ignoring it. It's hard to ignore but practice helps.

When I get sucked into the deep deep reality things I guess that's called psychosis.

Very tired. Just got back from vons and the mountain hike. Being in nature is so healing and amazing. I mean nice nature trails. Not some strip in the desert. They have really nice and popular mountain nature trails out here. It's often like being on a safari with 10 foot tall very thick bushes on both sides on a 3 foot wide winding trail and then it opens up here and there to amazing views.

So I get thanksgiving off. But I work a 5 hour shift Black Friday then a 8 hour shift that Saturday

I've learned about what attractiveness is. I've been avoiding it for my life (I don't look at attractive people, avoid them - If they want to talk to me, I then treat them like anyone else. I still prefer to not have sex with anyone for my whole life). I like edgy facial features. And I love geometry.. I want to learn about it (Even spiritual geometry).

Nature is pure geometry.. And everyones existence/look is beautiful (To me) - But I am not some hyper space alien.. I am human.. We all have likes/dislikes, and judge, love and get scared etc.

Humans are cute. If you take an evil person, there's always a little good - If there's not? Then the person is 100% psychopath - But those patterns will evolve over lifetimes of reincarnation, going through hell (Possibly running the whole thing - Like we all will be BTW.., to complete the circle..), and then finding God..

The creator of the universe.. Which is in us all, the now.. And that is why we are to live in the now - As we even if we aren't?, we are still in the now.. And will always be (Until laws of physics change, perspectives, - Delusions..). It's all a delusion, schiz friends. It is life.

(But still take your antipsychotic meds - I am still taking them too.. They've really really helped..)..

Next week, I take the 2700 dollar Invega Trinza injection. I am a medical experiment.

I got almost 13,000 steps today between work and walking to my psychiatrist appointment

Watched an episode of anime with my bf tonight over FaceTime SharePlay since we both got off work around the same time tonight. Then I took a shower. Now I’m listening to music and feeling really good. Got work in the morning. Gotta head to the bus stop at 9:40am. I’m work from 11am to 3pm. Then I get a 3 day weekend. Not sure if I’ll get any sleep tonight. It’s a little after midnight now and I’m not tired. Next week I work 12 hours. Then the week after that (thanksgiving week) I work 21 hours. Which is gonna be a lot but I’m glad to be getting more hours because I want the money to put in savings.

Still didn't meditate. I need to finish this work asap. But I must go on mountain hikes. They're addicting and amazing. I lost the desire to meditation ever since losing spirituality. All of my Ts highly recommended it though. So I'll give it a try.

I didn’t sleep at all. But at least after I get off work at 3pm I don’t have work again till Monday.

I’m too tired to think straight But I’ll go anyway and just get it over with. I can sleep tonight and sleep in tomorrow. 6 1/2 hours from now I’ll be on my way home. It’s only 8:30am. My shift doesn’t start till 11am. Idk what I’ll be doing today. Interviews, orientations for new employees, cashiering, sales floor or some combination of some or all of them.

It was just me and one other person as cashiers today for 4 hours. There were huge lines and people doing huge layaways which take a long time. I got stuck with around 5 layaways in the first hour and a half I was there. They’re long complicated processes. And one girl who was supposed to be doing back up at the registers for us when we needed it which was often cause it was so busy was over on her phone 90% of the time not doing anything

Had a good mountain hike but it's best when I relax and take it easy and not think about things. That's what's so great about work for me. It takes my mind away from problems. Work is like moving meditation. You're focused on something, not your problems or thinking about reality.

15mg stim needed to be 10mg. So I'll skip 20mg of Dexedrine spansules this afternoon. Little too intense, very awake.

I thought about.. Horrors of awareness. So after 75mg of pregabalin, I took 500mg of phenibut, 10mg of diazepam, and 5mg of olanzepine.

I feel better now.

I've been very confused, but able to explain myself now. It's tough. What will happen next, Idk.. I'm not in an enlightened/flow state (Kind of..)...

My addictions are still the shadow. I'm honest to everyone, my family. But I hide secrets of my addictions, always have. Why I've self medicated? Well, just the reason why anyone get prescribed meds, therapy - Or anything, in general, want to fix something, how people react..

I'm still not sure what visual hallucinations ever are. People hallucinate on psilocybin - I did.. But I was in another mental state too (Psychosis - Like I've never experienced so strongly in my life, 2016). People were hovering over me, seeing Kamakazi pilots, insects etc... But yeah. Apart from the hypnotic ones, seeing people as if IRL.

I was hallucinating last night (Visuals when I closed my eyes) - Each vision, lead to another abstract picture - Like for example: I'd see cars driving (As if they were real), then I'd be looking through the windscreen of a car, seeing motorbikes travelling past me. Or a foot, crashing on the beach, making people get sucked into a tornado - The triangular tornado turns into a pizza, gets eaten by someone in their apartment.. Never experienced such imagery. I then went to sleep.

I was rehearsing what I could say to my psychiatrist, imagining how I could explain this type of thought/imagination pattern - And it just kept continuing on and on, forever. But I'd never be able to do that with other people listening. I have a non-fear of judgement in my own head. But the ability is there, to be spontaneous.