Roll Call 201

The 5mg of olanzepine helped. I still take Invega pills.

Imma sleep..

Stress is unreal.. I try to be lazy and self-assured (By delusion) for my own sanity.. Idk if...

I can handle.

This all. Of life. It used to be so different - I try to do genius things, anyone can do genius things.. With their specific talents. But I just go for everything.

Bad at prioritizing.. It's pure insanity if you think too deeply, and I think much deeply, with speedy thoughts. Overthink until paranoia happens (Like my dad).

My dad will visit next week. We'll do fun things. It'll be good. I can't believe it all... Both of my parents neglected me, and ex step dad abused, controlled, manipulated me. All in isolation. It's what happens to many. Just gotta... Live. That's why people live. The world is imperfectly perfect. So are all humans.

Heading to work in about an hour. I get paid early tomorrow morning. My paycheck will be pretty good because I worked 17 1/2 hours last week. Some of it will go towards my violin lessons , some towards groceries, and some towards household essentials and some to reload my bus fare card.

Almost done. On my 15 minute break. Then 45 minutes left and I can go home

Waiting for the bus to go home. Three days off starting tomorrow!

I fell on my *** at work today lmao I squatted down low to put something on a low shelf and lost my balance and tipped back

Home now. Making jalapeño poppers I get paid super early tomorrow morning (around 3am) then am going to go to the grocery store and buy food. I have an appointment with my therapist as well tomorrow. Am gonna meal prep some brown rice, teriyaki chicken and steamed veggies

Want to take it easy tomorrow and relax mostly so am gonna order my groceries through Walmart delivery instead of going to the store. Saves me a trip. Trying to make the most of my days off and really enjoy them.

I watched some video (One sec I'll find it);



And I felt sooo apathetic, taking a walk.. in the cold.. People were looking at me. I don't like the way I look sometimes.. Maybe I'm too fat.

But anyways, I'm like "I will be numb - Then I can't feel when people laugh at me". Cuz isn't it like that.. With life.. Just feeling shame, embarrassment, etc... I never really felt that (When I was 17-21) - Those 4+ years, have been total mania (But with ability to sleep).

Anyways, I might be insane.. But we all are, and that's ok. As long as it doesn't interfere with your life... Then that's when you seek help, and the brain chems can be balanced etc.

But I said to myself (Basically 100% giving up), "I wish I had no emotions, and I could just be an awareness module/machine, observing reality" - All the songs that play, so meaningful - Still.. Cuz like, they're all chosen 100% correctly for my particular situation.. That's pure synchronicity..

I talked to my autist friend (Sent her the song), and she didn't reciprocate - I thought "Ok, you're on a different path", felt sad - But before that? I CHOSE to live.. Cuz I've been really really depressed (In the past) for a LONG time (And didn't know why) - Now I have more experience in life.. I know the game (Enough) to get by..

We were talking on the Snapchat group - And Newtus left, I sent her a 2-3 messages "I care" - Cuz I'd often leave groups (Thinking everyone is against me) and some people would do that after.. So even if there's conflict, and people are wrong or right, things are still good.. I even said that in a "Parkinson's" type state.. I'm still in that state.. I do need a long break from life, and the autist friend too (I love her but she's super weirdo, and too much to handle)... And my muscles, they don't react to my mind.. Cuz my mind is too exhausted, and nothing connects.. Newtus got added back...

And I said to my mom "Mom, everything is an algorithm" and she was like "Nooo! I'm reaaalll - You're not an alien, etc" - I said "If I said these things a few years ago, you would have sent me to the psych ward" and she said "I still might!" and walked away.. !

Now, what to do.. The songs are good. Life gets better (Once delusions are broken - And to stop a delusion, it has to fizz out, or be obliterated - People shouldn't perpetuate/endorse others' delusions/Especially if they are from the World Economic Forum communism.. But that's only 8% of the population) - And..

As you can see, all the Karens (Bird chirping) has gone down a little bit (Now that people are dying from vaccines etc), so they will quiet down a little more, and the WEF will have less power. Some people (Even the most awakened) will be watching the news, and be "I can't believe this is actually happening - I thought it would 20 years ago, but I've been disappointed for so many years" (So even they won't believe it).

But anyways, mindfulness is good.. And just being chill.. No agitation, defending your delusions etc.. Just know that life is good, there's love, we support each other, we all make mistakes, many people are fools (Like me for example), and we all have different souls/realities..

I'll update my progress some time later.. Peace.

I took Lion's Mane, Reishi mushrooms and Ashwagandha for stress..

Everything has blown into pieces.. What am I doing here.. Idk..

I'll find my way out of the darkness.. Like I've been doing, for my whole life..

I just need a hug =[ Everyone needs a hug..

I went from suicidal agitation, just throwing stuff around at work. Had a shower, did all hygiene things - I completed cleaning and vacuuming the whole house (For my dad to arrive tomorrow)... 500mg of phenibut and 75mg of pregabalin has improved my mood and relaxed me greatly. I had to take 5mg of diazepam, 0.25mg of clonazepam and 11.25mg of zopiclone last night (Cuz the adaptogen mushrooms and ashwagandha made my heart beat sooo weird.. and my back hurt, the arteries hurt too..).. The benzos relaxed everything, and I fell asleep. Never again!.. I guess I just can't take normal supplements, herbs or mushrooms etc cuz my central nervous system is always activated by stimulant...

It's all good! Sorry.. I killed Roll Call...

Nah it’s all good. Just been busy is all.

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I had a good appointment with my therapist today. We talked mostly about work and my stress from that and how I'm managing it. She said if I eventually feel like I can't handle it anymore to not see it as a failure and to recognize my accomplishment and how amazing it is how much I've progressed. (I'm not quitting she just means if I ever get to that point). My thorazine was filled but isn't covered by my insurance now. So I'm not sure what to do about that. I have enough to get through the next month but I don't know what to do after that. I did leave a message at my psychiatrists office on Monday morning asking if there was an alternative but nobody ever called me back and it's Friday night now. I might just wait and bring it up with my psychiatrist when I see him because I'll be seeing him in November. I should have enough to get me through till then. But part of me is like should I just stop it now since they're not gonna cover it

I think I probably should just stop it now. Since I have three days off. In case I have withdrawal effects. But part of me is unsure because I know I won't sleep at all without it

Every so often I visit this thread and wonder if both of my main psychologists are right that I have schizoaffective disorder. I hear and see things, mostly hear, that very few people would believe is real. But yet every so often I've taken a video or photos of these weird things and other people have seen/heard them and say they see/hear it as well. So I just don't know. I think about this too often. Maybe I have SZA but also think I attract what people call high strangeness.

I want to create!

But I don't know how..

Do you feel frightened?

Most of the time, but it's mostly fear for the unknown and my future.

It's really hard to navigate this particular reality...

But it can be done! I'd like to try meditation, but so difficult to start. I just have a feeling, that something big is happening (And that's not because of hearing anyone else say it..), I just feel a releasing, or building..

Who knows, I could die soon.. I told people that I would. No one ever knows though.. Just have to realize everyone dies - And people always do well by finding meaning (Spiritual, possibly), being around supportive people, necessities met.. Self actualization is what we try to achieve. Some people are super smart, or lucky...

Sorry that you're having hallucinations though. For me? I have no idea what is real.. I just think too deeply idk.. There has to be things to ground us.

Example, I know that psychedelics (Often can cause psychosis and hallucinations), they bring you high up in the sky.. And opioids? They bring you down to Earth... Grounding.. Opioids are the only class of downers that are also partially antipsychotics - But antipsychotics? - They obviously help with psychosis, bring you down to the ground.. Grounding.. Cuz they decrease like every single neurotransmitter/neuronal activity, decreasing all the electricity, so the brain/mind can be healed (Like a slowing down of connections.. To prevent much further damage)..

I'm always optimistic though, about the spiritual, psychosis-like things.. It can be concerning for family members - But at least I take my meds every day.. I just take other chemicals (Cuz I'm so interested in them), and altered states of consciousness, shamanism etc (Which is a part of schiz - But doesn't have to be for you..)..

The best thing, is to stabilize yourself as much as possible, and hang on.. Because life is really tough, but beautiful things happen, and it's worth it.. If you live.. In the end?, whatever destiny lead us here - We couldn't make any other decision to change how we got here.. Can't change the past.. We're responsible (Always) for the now, and what we can do with it..

We're spiritual beings, and I'd hate to break the ice right now, but Western society is the only civilization to have no God/religion... Our smart brains decay while cultured/growing up here.. While the shamans/true religious people? - They thrive.. And their neurons connect naturally (Like ancient civilizations/cultures/tribes) - Yknow.. the rain dance thing..

And it seems really horrifying (Especially with trauma).. Trauma is just something "Bad" that happens.. And how can that be repaired/healed, in this sick society? - And it spread to become worldwide, for the first time in history.. It's all by design..

Don't stress too much though.. There's a reason they call is "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" (Or maybe that's just me, and I could just be talking nonsense.. But continue talking (: I like new people...)

And also people can be autist.. Just really smart - The opposite, thrive.. Many are all intact.. Suffering, but no psychosis.. Most people (If not, all) are delusional though in some way.
And people should ultimately be both..
That's where the neurons don't die...
They connect, and change (In a healthy way).
That's the balanced life..

But smart isn't what everyone is supposed to be.. Yknow the way people judge each other.. Fight.. Love is important, empathy, wisdom, life experiences, stories etc.. It's all analysis, and a story.. Visual patterns, audio frequencies, more than 7 senses - Infinite senses.. What we're all doing.. Is existing, and dealing with our mind, body, soul, environment, what's real.. No one agrees on what's real, ever.. Cuz we're all subjective..
Sharing, connecting.. We're social..
Cuz of the non-dualism thing
Self and other... All one..

To laugh, to cry, celebrate, fall over while drunk, build machines.. It's a big trip (Not in a scary way, but also that.. And to deal with it, is overcoming.. Telling the story - Feeling it yourself, explaining it, sharing it, getting feedback, understanding - That's the expression of the universe.. Like flowers and bees, or ecosystems..)

The world is like a cloud, swirling in the wind/sky - Or a galaxy, swirling around, matter crashing into matter, stars exploding.. All witnessed by our one mind..

Can’t sleep. Tossed and turned for a couple hours , it’s 3am now. Think I’m up for the day.