Roll Call 202

They cancelled our trip due to Covid numbers being up here and in NYC

I found a food pantry nearby, they do daily meal deliveries like Meals on Wheels. So I'll be using them until I can get my food stamps figured out. Thank you BB and SP for the suggestions, I was kind of freaking out and didn't even think about food pantries for some reason.

Glad to hear! No one should go without food

Coughing so much. Just took some mucinex severe cold and flu max strength

Spirit molecules make me feel very good, and decrease anxiety.

+ I went skiing today, which is very good (There was no snow until recently, couldn't go).

My mom has been so supportive now, and has really helped me past few years. My dad too (Visiting more) - My sister (Free spirit), she's a gift - She sent me some manifesting spiritual book, so I'll get that in the mail. My aunt and uncle/cousins are smart and funny, they help a lot too.

On Saturday, I was tested, suicidal etc.. Past few weeks have been some of the hardest moments in my life (I think cuz I'm not using the 5mg dopamine/norepinephrine/serotonin releaser almost every morning, it's gone - It was a good antidepressant for a few months.. Cuz past 2-3 years, I've been suicidal almost every day).

I think my doctor forgot to book the echocardiogram (Or he's messing with me - If that's the case, I'll just ask again.. He can't say no).

Yesterday, very difficult too.. I was going to put a serotonin releaser into Coca Cola, and drink.. But I decided that my mom would be devastated if I died, and everyone else.. I'm not 20 anymore, can make better decisions.. I'm more free.. Not stuck in the basement, going insane, alone... crying, dancing and throwing up etc, in the dark, or staring at the lightbulb... For years.

My dad might take me to Argentina soon (:

I will visit you WA! Find me the Coca leaves.

If it's for sure then I'll learn lots of Spanish quick, and more about the country.

Good morning. I slept really good. I decided to cut out coffee. So I’m drinking my last cup right now then I don’t have any left so I’m just drinking water after that. I meditated a lot yesterday and according to my Fitbit my stress level is a lot better today than it was. I had a score of 53 yesterday and today it’s at 71. The higher number means it’s better. Which makes sense because last night I had like a 3 hour panic attack. But I feel better today. Sleep reset my brain I guess. I have an appointment with my therapist later today. Other than that not much going on. Practicing violin and ukulele. That’s about it. Will meditate too. And watch a show with my bf later. Hard to believe we’ve been together almost 10 months now.

I might play descent later. It’s a tabletop rpg board game. A lot of fun. I am still working on painting all the miniatures for it. There’s a lot of them.

Currently watching Howls Moving Castle by Studio Ghibli.

Might clean some today too since I do have energy because I slept really good.

Still listening to the Mozart audiobook. It’s a 30 hour long book. I’m about 12 hours into it so far.

Honestly limiting myself to only one (or sometimes two) cups of coffee per day has helped my anxiety a lot. Used to I would drink coffee throughout the day and I didn't realize how it effected me.

Yeah I typically was drinking 5-6 cups a day everyday and sometimes more. So it’s definitely too much. So hopefully it helps my anxiety. I am trying to get to a point where I can have one occasionally and not over do it.

My psychiatrist filled out the paperwork stating that I’m capable of being my own payee and not needing a payee anymore. I have it here. I just have to bring it to social security next week

I’ve had a crappy health week.

I mean, lately I’ve been having a problem with eating fatty food. Gastro issues.

But I started having really dry eyes and eye pain. One doctor looked me over and said I don’t have lupus, which is good. Eye doctor says I have very dry eyes and gave me drops. I have three eye drops I have to take now (two of them four times a day, one of them twice a day).

I figure it’s a flare up of sarcoidosis that I had a couple years ago (the lump on my lymph node that was a lymphoma scare and I had to have the lymph node surgically removed).

Fatigue, rash (rash on my face for last couple months and more rash showed up this morning), dry eyes, joint pain, dizziness, anemia, lump on my arm that showed up a couple weeks ago. It fit lupus but it’s not lupus so it also fits sarcoidosis.

So I see my doctor on Monday afternoon about it.

I feel awful and miserable. Just have to last until Monday. Probably not smart but I’m having some tequila shots tonight. **** it.

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I have a full 360° charlie horse on my right leg. That's in addition to all the pain from my knees etc. I want to go home. I have RLS pretty bad from eating too much sugar. The more I have the more I want. I wish I could go home. With cigarettes. I want a bunch of different brands although they all taste like crap, but they are an instant antianxiety reliever. I love my vape but I miss the thousands of chemicals in a cigarette. They have such complex recipes.

So I want to go home with cigarettes, and just hide out and smoke. They do change smoking here to a more mindful experience, instead of the constant cigarettes I used to have burning in ashtrays. We go outside and have one or two cigarettes, and I with my vape, needing it throughout the day and not a huff and puff vaping break. But it's ok. There's an agrivaine now in the smoking group who complains about 2nd hand vapor. I hate people like that. I will try to avoid it. Meanwhile I'm breathing her 2nd hand smoke.

I wish I could go far away. I watched two horror movies tonight. They were ok but the endings lacked inspiration. I couldn't find the info for them. Buried, and Kristy.


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I got a free 2 Liter of Schweppes cranberry raspberry ginger ale. It was down in the community room where people put stuff they don’t want on a shelf for people to take, the highlight of my day lol

Thinking about starting another drawing today. I’m probably of Kakashi from Naruto

Having a panic attack with dissociation. I haven’t been out of my apartment aside from going out to take the trash out in about 3 weeks. Which isn’t good. I have to push myself to the library tomorrow. I’m dreading it due to anxiety but I know I’ll feel better once I get out.

Ordering a pizza tomorrow and chocolate lava cakes

I have to work tomorrow. Everyone is a slave to this particular life - But it could be better if there were different laws of physics, if I were astral projected somewhere else, if we all had the tools, there wasn't so such a disproportion of evil/temptation vs positivity, or if our brains were designed properly for this time - If we could skip this portion of time faster which could happen.

But I'm fine.

Day 3 without coffee, having a really bad headache. I can do this though

I finally left the house. I took a 20 minute walk to the library. Proud of myself. It’s been so difficult to leave the house lately , I haven’t left in around 3 weeks before today. I struggle with phases of agoraphobia sometimes.

I did 15 minutes of yoga last night. I woke up super early today so did two sets of 30 reps with 8 lb weights, and am gonna do squats, yoga, and a 20 minute walk later. Made spinach juice last night. Just frozen spinach blended with water. Felt like I needed some greens in me because I've really been slacking with eating veggies and it's easier for me to drink that than eat it