Roll Call 202

Saw the eclipse. Then went to work. Work went well. Got home around 10:30pm. Past few hours me and my bf were cooking and talking and having drinks and playing chess. We made our anniversary meal.

I ordered some biofreeze. It’s like a menthol gel for sore muscles. My bf recommended it cause he uses it after being sore from work and I need something too because I get extremely sore from work as well. So hopefully it helps. When I get paid I’m also gonna buy a heating pad. And I already have ice packs so I should be all set for pain lol

The world is a depressing scam, but it is going the way it should be. We don't need to fix it - It must instead be destroyed, and rebuilt, by me.

My mom said "It's not a scam - I'm not a scam, I'm your mother"

So I guess I'm wrong. I didn't think of it that way.

Edit: Wait. We could both be in the scam..

Work went well today. I managed to get someone to sign up for a credit card today with our store. So that’s cool. They asked if I’d pick up shifts Thursday and Saturday. So I said yes. I work tomorrow from 12:30pm to 9:30pm which is a 9 hour shift. So it will be a long day.

So I worked today, work tomorrow, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday then I get Wednesday off which is the day I have a therapy appointment.

Let me just say for the record alcohol can make dissociation worse. At least it can for me. I came home from work, was dissociating slightly, started feeling better, thought hey I’ll have a glass of wine and relax since I’m gonna be super busy the next week and have barely any time for myself. Bad idea. My dissociation came back 10 times worse

Yeah I couldn't even have one drink when I was having dissociation - Couldn't drink for years.. But with the right meds (PRN benzos, olanzepine for example) - After many years, you can drink alcohol again, and won't get dissociated. But no one should drink alcohol really - Most people wouldn't drink alcohol if it wasn't bad for them.

Then eventually, you'll lose many many IQ points - But don't worry, you'll then just become like me (With average intelligence) =]

I have such a severe lack of appetite lately. Since I started working again. Nothing is even remotely appetizing, not even my comfort foods or typical binge foods. I have to force myself to eat anything and it feels like I’m gonna throw up while I’m trying to make myself eat. Like it’s gonna come right back up. I also haven’t wanted to drink any coffee which is unusual for me because I typically drink black unsweetened coffee most of the day most days. Now I can barely get myself to take a sip and I feel horrible if I drink it. It’s really weird. The last time I felt such a lack of appetite was when my mom was actively dying from cancer and the stress that caused. Like I have my comfort foods in the cabinet and the thought of them makes me nauseous. I tried to force myself to eat a sweet potato today and it felt like I was gonna gag the entire time. Idk if it’s stress from work or lack of sleep or if I’m getting sick or what. It’s just highly unusual for me to have a lack of appetite to the extent of even the thought of food making me nauseous. Idk if this is good or bad. I mean I guess it will help me lose weight. But it’s highly uncomfortable feeling nauseous every time I try to eat.

I’m assuming it’s a combination of stress from work and lack of sleep. I slept 3 hours last night and I have a 9 hour shift today. The night before I slept 9 hours, the night before that I slept 3 1/2 hours.

Work is going well. I worked today and the two days before today and work the next 4 days in a row. So 7 days in a row of work. Then I get a day off finally on Wednesday. I’m so sore. But I got that biofreeze stuff and that helps.

When I get paid on Monday I’m investing in a 3 inch mattress topper, 4 good pillows, some new sheets and a new comforter. To make my bed more cozy. So I can get better/more comfortable sleep. And I’m also getting a heating pad for when my back is really sore. And I might treat myself to some McDonald’s or Dunkin Donuts.

But yeah, I’m tired. Really really tired. I haven’t slept much at all the past few days. I can’t wait to sleep in on Wednesday.

I am proud of myself for keeping going to work though.

I feel sad..

I supplemented stim, worked for 4 hours - Got home, had a shower - Did all of these thing fast.. I got ready to try and do meaningful, productive things;

And I felt a wave of exhaustion, lying in bed listening to "Thousand Thoughts" - I relate well to the lyrics.. He really explains of how when my soul is in agony, solitary confinement, isolation;

And silence. Screaming into the void, wanting it all to end.

Then I found a really cool video;


So it talks about "love and fear" and regenerative or degenerative spiritual syntropy and entropy etc.. Really lifted me up..

It was my sign. I was looking for a sign.. I found it.

And I remember when I felt that heart pain (Before the echocardiogram), I prayed to God "If the pain goes away, and my heart is fine - I will reach for the stars (Etc)" - And the pain then went away mostly.. I then rubbed my chest, and it turned out to be rib pain + I have a "completely normal heart".

But.. I've been taking opie and spraying nicotine, so when I lie down, my heart sort of goes irregular rhythm - So I had to sit up.. I took a diazepam, and that helped. Tomorrow, I quit supplementing stim for many days or weeks - And then fungi will be taken.

I drank again last night -bad. Oh well, not oh well. I am conflicted about it. It's hard to make a decision about. I think I will do my best to avoid alc.

On a positive note, I finished a 7,500 word translation this week on top of editing a translation of a philosophy book. I feel accomplished.

Now I am drinking a cup of strong coffee and writing a little bit. Listening to rap music.

Just a thought, obviously take it with whatever weight you wish to assign to it, but have you talked to your psychiatrist and or therapist about sleep strategies and or things like that? Also is the job stressing you out?

Also, sorry that's happening to you, that must be difficult to deal with. I can't imagine having a lack of appetite. Especially for coffee, which is something I absolutely love as well.

Thank you, today it’s a little better. My appetite is starting to come back. I think it was just the initial stress of starting the job. It does stress me out. But I need to keep working because I want to be fully independent some day. But it does stress me out a lot. It’s better than my last job but it’s still retail so still stressful obviously and physically exhausting. Plus working 7 days in a row is a lot.

But I was able to drink some coffee today and didn’t feel like throwing up and I am craving some takeout for when I get paid so my appetite is getting better. I’m starting to get into a routine with work

Yeah good for you for working on you. That is awesome.

Coffee is always good. I drink way too much of it. And yeah work takes time to get into a routine with. I am personally trying to get into a routine with freelance work and it is not easy to motivate myself but that's fine, I'll just keep working on it.

I hope you’re able to motivate yourself, you’ll get there eventually!

I am still struggling with work. It’s so physically exhausting it’s like my body is broken afterward. Like my back hurts, my feet hurt and I have blisters on my feet. I haven’t gotten a good chance to rest because I’ve worked the past 4 days in a row including today and I work tomorrow , Monday and Tuesday as well. Then I get one day off. Then back to work Thursday. I really was stupid agreeing to pick up two more extra shifts. I could have had today and this past Thursday off but no I said yes so did a 9 hour shift Thursday and a 4 hour shift today. Because I have a hard time saying no. It’s been wake up go to work come home feel like my body is broken and repeat day after day. Thankfully next week and the week after that I’m only scheduled like 18 hours a week and if they ask me to pick up more shifts I’m gonna say I can’t. Because I did almost 40 hours this week and that’s more than I’ve ever worked and it’s way too much.

I’m averaging 12,000 to 25,000 steps a day