Roll Call 202

Gotta stay calm..

I did well today..

The horrors will come. But I will be ok.

No! You need a bowl of benzo cereal, every morning..

Switching to diazepam was the best way I got off of 0.5mg of Xanax once per day (28x 5mg diazepam tablets..)

Diazepam is much easier to get off of. You lower by 1-2mg diazepam once every 2 weeks or so.

Some people do volumetric dosing.. They dissolve their diazepams in water and then decrease by however or so millilitres..

You can do this only once you are ready.. But until then, not to stress too much - And take the same dose every day (Usually 3x a day).

Took a long walk and it triggered my dissociation so that sucks. Hate dissociation especially when I’m out in public it makes it worse. I’m at home now trying to snap myself out of it.

Gonna get on the treadmill for 30 min today. Then do yoga, weights, and squats

I’ve been eating a ton healthier recently. So I’m hoping that combined with the increased physical activity helps me lose the last 40 lbs I want to lose and get in better shape.

This morning for breakfast I sliced myself a piece of sourdough bread, toasted it, topped it with half an avocado and a fried egg. Lunch is gonna be leftover meal prep (honey lemon chicken and broccoli) and dinner is gonna be the last of the meal prep. Snack is gonna be a berry spinach protein smoothie

Also slept well last night. And have been mediating daily and journaling daily which helps a lot.

It's been a month of crying like every day

Am healing =[

I don’t have work again till Tuesday unless people post any shifts they need picked up between now and then. If anyone does I’ll probably take one or two shifts if I’m able to.

I walked outside for 30 min today. Then I walked on the treadmill for 30 min. I did yoga, and I did weights and squats with resistance bands

I was able to pick up a 6 hour shift for tomorrow cause someone called out and needs it covered so yay

My BPD is bringing out the worst in me lately especially with my relationship. I get so angry and jealous and mistrustful. I do that “splitting” thing people with BPD do a lot. I’m trying to find things outside my relationship so that’s not the only thing in my life because I need something outside of that too so I’m not consumed by it. I need friends. I don’t have any. I don’t even know how to make friends. How do you make friends at 29 years old? Where do you go? My social anxiety makes it difficult, I feel so awkward in social situations.

Anyway, I’m doing okay I guess. When I’m not angry and jealous and trying to impulsively quit my job and wreck my relationship. It sucks. I hate BPD. If I had to chose one disorder to get rid of out of the ones I have (BPD, bipolar, anxiety disorder) it would definitely be the BPD. I haven’t felt this dysfunctional since I was in high school or early adulthood. Like that’s why I stayed out of relationships for 10 years. My relationship is good. There’s nothing wrong with it. But my jealousy brings out the worst in me. I don’t know how to trust people. Like I say I trust people but internally I’m always afraid and banking on people doing the wrong thing and destroying me emotionally. I then try to end relationships impulsively for no logical reason other than to protect myself emotionally cause I’m so paranoid about getting hurt.

So yeah that’s what’s going on with me. Idk what to do. I need to work on some stuff in my DBT workbooks. I want to be better. I want to overcome this. It’s not gonna be easy it’s gonna take a long time and a ton of work. I do want to do it though. I don’t want to keep destroying all my relationships or jobs.

I’m still working. I have work later today. 6 hours shift. I’m going on no sleep. At least I’m going. I wanted to quit last week but I didn’t. I’m trying to stick it out for at least 6-9 months. I keep getting paranoid and thinking all my coworkers are talking about me, laughing at me and hate me.

It’s a difficult time for me. I’m trying

But some good things are I’ve been exercising everyday. I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes yesterday and did weights and squats with resistance bands. That’s two days in a row. I’m gonna get on the treadmill for 30 min this morning, and do weights and squats and yoga before work today. And meditate. Meditation calms me a lot. It helps ground me and quiet my mind and also helps with my anger. Same with the exercise. I’m getting a gym membership soon. My bf is gonna pay for the startup fee and the first couple of months then I’m gonna pay for it after that. Then I can use the cycling thing, the elliptical and whatever else I want. Plus they have fitness classes available. I might try going to some of those on days off work. I’m gonna try to get to the gym 5-6 days a week then have 1-2 rest days a week.

7 more hours till I have to head to work. Other than exercise I’m gonna take a shower. Also meditate. Might also journal some. Hmmm what else. Maybe look through my yugioh cards. And my chess strategy book. And read some. Idk I’ve got a bit till I go to work so I can probably do all of that. I’m glad I have work today though even though it’s a long shift. I need to get out and be distracted for awhile from my thoughts.

Gonna practice violin when I get home from work. I have a violin lesson tomorrow evening. I’m out of practice to be honest. I need to get back to practicing daily. On my days off I want to do at least an hour of violin. Preferably 2 hours. And on days I work 30 min to an hour depending on what shift I’m on. That provides a lot of meaning and a good outlet. It needs to be a priority again. Work, health/fitness, violin, my relationship, in no particular order are what I’m trying to focus on. Eventually I’d like to add friendships to that but I need to go places first and put myself out there in order to meet friends. I might try going to a card shop in a few weeks. Like a TCG shop (magic the gathering, pokemon, yugioh, etc) dungeons and dragons. That would be good to get into. Maybe find some place to learn how to play DnD and make some friends that way. That would help cause I want people with similar interests as friends obviously. I know there’s people I’d hit it off with. I just have no social life outside of work and my relationship right now and that needs to change

Hugs BB. I can tell you've got the negative thoughts (I get those). It's good that you're productive, but there's a self worth aspect (I am like this too), where compassion is to be given to yourself. Hang in there - I know what it's like to not have your own autonomy outside of relationship, not fun.

Idk how long I'm gonna be up all night.. Too much stim.. Heart beating harder and can't sleep. I work in 5 hours.. Have to fit in about 3 hours of sleep.

Ah yes, it wore off.. So thankful. I can finally drift off into a peaceful sleep..

Thanks Desoxyn also hope you have a good day at work and hope you get some sleep.

I head out in about 3 hours from now for my 6 hour shift. When I get home I’m gonna sleep and hopefully sleep in tomorrow .

I did 30 min on the treadmill today and yoga. 3rd day in a row of doing this. Also meditated. I really regretting staying up all night though now. It’s gonna be a long day. Just ready to get it over with. I’m gonna have a coffee and maybe watch some shows or something for a couple hours before I head out.

They asked if I would extend my shift to 9pm and I said yes so I’m doing a full 9 hour shift today. I’m on my hour lunch break right now. Then after this I have three hours of work left including another 15 minute break

Please don't get a vape pen for CBD. A few years ago people were vaping illicit THC and got very sick because they had been made with Vitamin E in them which is an oil. Lots of people died I think. It's not safe to vape THC or any pot product.

Sent from my moto g 5G - 2023 using Tapatalk

It’s legal here. My niece vapes the same one from the shops near here. My bf does too. It’s safe where I am

The reason people were getting sick from them was because people were putting stupid homemade crap in them. THC is completely fine to vape.