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Desoxyn
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Default May 17, 2024 at 09:38 PM
  #901
I started the 1.5mg of Vraylar this morning. Seems kind of speedy.

I was looking at my genome, and the dopamine gene mutations - I don't understand them. It brought me into a scattered rabbit hole, where I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

My alertness, attention and concentration is good though, very good.. What else am I to do.. I don't make sense. I'm nonsense.
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Default May 17, 2024 at 09:43 PM
  #902
Roll Call 202
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Default May 18, 2024 at 05:02 AM
  #903
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Originally Posted by Desoxyn View Post
Roll Call 202

Interesting to think about for me just because I talk/write ďincoherentlyĒ so often.
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Default May 18, 2024 at 05:05 AM
  #904
So all the stuff has been getting worse for me again. I had 12 rounds of bilateral ECT in 2021.. I need more of it because holy **** it helped me. A lot.

Itís not nearly as scary as it sounds. Promise.
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Default May 19, 2024 at 02:23 AM
  #905
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Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster View Post
Iím alive.
Weíre very happy youíre alive!!! =]
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Default May 19, 2024 at 03:02 AM
  #906
Today, another 1.5mg of Vraylar. I felt very slightly sedated (Like an apathetic antidepressed state, kind of lazy or something, but feeling good).

Tomorrow, I take another - It will be the 3rd day sober/drug free (Except nicotine gum and coffee). I plan to be sober for about a month or more (I can do many other psychonaut things that donít involve psychoactive substances such as meditation, mindfulness, experiencing new things - Cuz remember all of this schiz stuff happened when I was basically a kid. I needed to figure out reality.. How was I supposed to do that in complete isolation of all forms/solitary confinement?).

One thing thatís interesting is that my cognition isnít better, but itís stronger.. I donít get frustrated as easily (Could also be because of stopping small doses of the worlds most addictive substances). I think meditation would be really helpful in strengthening these types of abilities that I can gain. I can concentrate on high cognitive load tasks for longer without feeling pain or anxiety.

And of course, Iíd always leave time for the hyper novelty - And when I do that, I mean what I do best.. The craziest seeking of truth, knowledge, wisdom - Back then, I did it all in my head with internalized focus (Introspection is good, and entertains me.. I just need to socialize so I can formulate my ideas, concepts, thoughts, trying to agree mutually on our subjective patterns recognition etc). Externalized focus is more stimulating hypernovelty - In visual and auditory form (I was deprived of this type of hypernovelty cuz there was only 100GB of wifi per month in the prairies, and I used it all in trying to connect with people cuz I was lonely - But moving to this new place, Iíve been learning so much with a balanced life every day since 2019 -*I-Learned-A-Lot*, from the neuroplasticity from the big trip - I took in a lot of information very quickly).

Nature is also novelty, I try to get out more for hiking etc - Weíre going for another massive hike in 2 months for my birthday, so I gotta be fit for that - And exercise increases BDNF and all feel good chemicals, also neurogenesis.

After getting off olanzepine using ket once I was stable, I saw ďlife is lifeĒ more and more.. Now Iím not afraid of death (Except when I had severe heart-OCD, but that could have actually helped with the process). Evil is for against life, and I want to transcend, have self-actualization, love and have fun, help others etc, try to be a good person - And reach for the stars, or most beautiful human realms I can realize on this earth, then up there to the astral/ethereal realm etc, looking at the heavens, knowing the hells anyone is capable of, my shadow, all that.

The zopiclone has kicked in.. I must.. fall asleep..

Hugs to all ^-;
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Default May 19, 2024 at 10:56 AM
  #907
Iím doing well. The med increases are helping a lot. Iíve been sleeping every night. My mood is a lot more level. Iím not irritable af all the time now. Iím not impulsively texting all the time, I have a habit of texting my sister especially every thought and whatnot that comes into my head when Iím manic and I know it can get overbearing and I feel bad about that but I havenít messaged her in like 5 days except last night because she said sheís gonna come over today and bring some takeout. I stopped impulsively breaking up with my boyfriend.

Iím not feeling hypersexual anymore, that was like through the roof. I recall getting this way last spring as well.

I stopped obsessively applying for jobs. My psychiatrist said itís good I quit the retail job because I shouldnít be working at a job thatís hours are so unpredictable especially with the late shifts and it screwing up my sleep.

So yeah just focusing on getting better now

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Default May 19, 2024 at 10:58 AM
  #908
I cleaned today. First time Iíve cleaned in quite awhile. My apartments been a whirlwind of a mess lately. So thatís good. Last thing I have to do is vacuum

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Default May 19, 2024 at 12:35 PM
  #909
I have a volunteer shift tomorrow. They texted and asked if I could cover anotherís shift. Then I have two Sundays in June that Iím volunteering also because they need someone to volunteer two Sundays a month so Iím doing that too.

I finished vacuuming. Took a shower. Waiting for my sister to let me know what time sheís coming over. Apartment looks pretty good.

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Default May 19, 2024 at 03:30 PM
  #910
Iím taking a social media break for 3 months, so if you donít see me around here or on Facebook thatís why , Iím not in the hospital Iím just taking a break cause I feel like Iím on my phone too much sometimes.

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Default May 20, 2024 at 07:14 PM
  #911
I want to take a break from Discord. It's pure torture.
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Default May 21, 2024 at 09:25 AM
  #912
So much for avoiding social media lol I canít stop going on it. I like sharing things

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Default May 21, 2024 at 09:34 AM
  #913
Iím doing well on my med increases. I had my volunteer shift yesterday with the cats. Then I went to a vision board making thing at my apartment buildings sister location. So it was a busy day. The program manager drove me there so I could attend. It was a lot of fun and Iím really happy with how my vision board came out. I hung it up next on the wall next to my bed

I got on the treadmill for 45 minutes today. Then after that I took a 10 min walk outside. As far as the rest of the day goes I just am gonna practice violin.

Iím finally below 170 lbs. I was stuck around 170-178 forever but I weighed myself today and I was 169. Iím trying to eat healthier. Itís hard cause Iím obsessed with sugary stuff but Iím trying to just keep it out of the house. According to a weight loss calculator thing I can eat around 1800 calories a day based on my activity level etc and reach my weight goal in 8 months.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg IMG_4061.jpg (368.8 KB, 6 views)

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Default May 21, 2024 at 11:54 AM
  #914
My birthday is exactly 2 weeks away. Iím excited. Idk why. Iím not really doing anything for it but I still get excited. Iíll probably buy like some cheesecake or something for myself

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Default May 21, 2024 at 12:35 PM
  #915
Iím so exhausted from the med increases

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Default May 21, 2024 at 10:48 PM
  #916
I go in for my abilify injection tomorrow, wish my pharmacy gave them so I didnt have to ask a family member to drive me to the doc office every time, but oh well

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Default Yesterday at 03:24 PM
  #917
That second last post I made on 05-19-24, 04:02 AM, Idk how I wrote that.

Right now I'm just feeling blah
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Default Today at 08:19 AM
  #918
Got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Gonna do another 15 minutes on it later. Also am taking a walk to the library soon to pick up a request.

Memorial Day weekend this weekend. Which means my bf has a three day weekend off work which is nice because weíll get to spend some time together.

Iíve been working on learning Fur Elise by Beethoven on ukulele. And still am working up towards Vivaldis concerto in A Minor on violin. Mostly practicing scales lately on violin.

Plan on practicing both violin and ukulele today. Probably an hour of violin and maybe an hour of ukulele too.

Tomorrow I have to go get food. And stop by the pharmacy to pick up some of my meds.

Will probably clean tomorrow too. That way I can relax over the weekend.

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Default Today at 01:54 PM
  #919
The Vraylar makes me feel very good - So I tripped, and everything was metallic, and melting, like rain. I felt loved. I still do.

You are all loved too.
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Default Today at 11:23 PM
  #920
Hating existence RN

It was a better time, or the same.. as when in the basement. Iíd rather be in the basement. I belonged there, doing nothing.. but altering my neurochemicals.
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