Roll Call 202

Bought a cake today. No reason other than cake is good.

I felt good all of a sudden last night, before I went to sleep. I talked to a random person that was rolling, and I made it more positive for him =]

I wish I was that positive all the time.

I hate showering even though every time I do I feel better afterwards. I just took one and feel a lot better.

I still take one 5mg edible in the evenings before bed and it helps me relax and get to sleep. I don’t take them during the day time unless it was like a weekend or a holiday or something where I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. Kind of starting to build a semblance of a tolerance which is good because that lessens the paranoia from it.

Happiness from today:

My sister came over. She brought McDonald’s, I had a Big Mac and a caramel frappe and she had chicken nuggets and fries. 🍟 she also brought me a bag of Death Wish coffee which is a local coffee company so that was really nice too! ☕️ It was good to see her!
I watched Five Nights at Freddy’s, it was really good! I have the games but never really played them because jump scares/horror games scare me 😂 😈
I finished reading a book! 📚
I got a permanent shift with the rescue cats volunteering. So I get to do every single Monday and 2 Sundays a month. So that’s exciting! It’s good for me to get out of the house and do something that makes me happy and feel good 😺🐈
My mood has picked up a lot! I’m feeling less blah than I have been feeling the past week
I got/get to spend time with my boyfriend today. We watched a couple episodes of Naruto over FaceTime. Next we’re gonna play some of the yugioh TCG together over FaceTime. ❤️🙂
I practiced ukulele today! Didn’t get around to the violin today but I plan on it tomorrow!

Vraylar is good. I like it.

It might be making my cognition and mood better.

I have zero akathisia or Parkinson's symptoms maybe cuz of the dextroamphetamine, pregabalin and atenolol.

Never taking edibles again. Had/am having a terrible experience today

I took an edible at 3:30pm yesterday and was up till 4am this morning 100% convinced I was dying. I think it may have interacted badly with my meds. It was a nightmare and felt like it would never end because edible highs last like 6 hours or more and it took till 4am for me to calm down enough to sleep for 40 minutes now I’m up for the day. I was debating going to the ER last night but idk what they could have done. It also didn’t help that I had 6 cups of coffee beforehand.

I'm sorry BB it sucks that you've been traumatized when you just wanted to feel better.. Don't give up, keep making things work - I'd say stay away from THC (Even I rarely take edibles - If I do, it's an extremely low dose, like 2mg). Your hopefully bf is understanding of your situation (Even though he smokes a lot of weed).

I'm just a psychonaut - But imagine here, with all these things.. I wish I had friends IRL, and would rather be without, to have a proper life instead. But RN it isn't too bad, it's the best really.. There's possibilities..

I made my own fun in the past.. I was in a horrible situation.. It led to a good place.. One of the best places.. Because my mind is healed. I wouldn't go back to the mania and insanity - I'll be 30 eventually, and then I'll just have experience..

But now I just love learning.. I want my mind to be in the best possible state - And it's okay if we go into weird realms that don't make any sense.. No one's reality has more value than any other's - We all have our own unique realities.

Yeah if I do them again it will only be half a dose so 2.5mg instead of 5mg and only rarely. I even have 10mg ones. Cause when I was manic I spent $200 on edibles and now I have 89 edibles left. The one I took last night was a 5mg. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I had taken 10mg. I would have probably gone to the ER. I was gonna go last night but I talked myself out of it and managed to ride it through the night but I got zero sleep and it’s 5:30pm now. I took my night meds just now so I can go to sleep early.

I think edibles will be just micro doses from now on and only when I’m in a good mindset and not having had lots of coffee.

I’m gonna probably just stick to vaping for the most part now cause it has a more predictable and reliable effect that doesn’t last forever and get more intense as time goes on.

The 5mg edible I took felt just as bad as when I overdosed on DXM when I was 19. Minus the hallucinations and blacking out. Felt just as scary and convinced I was dying. I was up praying and asking god to save me.

My boyfriend does understand however hes also very like logical about things especially when im freaking out Cause he smokes a lot of weed and has also tripped on large amounts of LSD and mushrooms and had a bad trip before where he ended up in the hospital. So he’s understanding. It just sucks that we don’t live near eachother anymore because it would be nicer to have someone in person with me cause going through that alone is a nightmare. Even though we texted and video called throughout the night I still felt like I was gonna die and like I was drifting into another dimension. Eventually we’re moving in together but that will be a little while.

My 30th birthday is on Tuesday. My family isn’t doing anything to celebrate it but my bf and I are making a dinner and dessert at the same time while on FaceTime together.

I have a volunteer shift tomorrow with the cat rescue. I have one with them on Monday as well. Now I’m doing two Sundays a month and every single Monday as well.

I’m gonna try to get to sleep early tonight. I’m aiming to get up at 5am tomorrow. Go grocery shopping at 6:30am before it’s crowded. Come home, put my groceries away, eat then take the bus to my volunteer job. Then come home and spend some time playing games with my bf and watching shows together.

My sleep score has gone down so much since I started drinking coffee again. I started drinking coffee again Monday evening. Every score since then has been bad or non existent from not sleeping

Vraylar helping much. I feel perfect.

I wonder if the positive symptoms and anxiety entertained me. What do I do now (Jk - I updated a new life plan);

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But it will need to be updated about 20-30 times.

I had a good volunteer shift with the kitties. Have one again tomorrow.

My local library is having an adult coloring night every other Tuesday so I’m gonna try to start going to that, should be fun. I love coloring it’s very calming and meditative and it will be fun to get out around other people. Something to do to break up the monotony.

Season 3 of demon slayer is starting to be released on Crunchyroll so my bf and I are going to watch that. We’re gonna play a TCG game or chess later tonight as well.

I slept good. Feel better. Staying away from the edibles for now. Just try to keep taking my meds and meditating, journaling, exercising and practicing violin. If I do them again it will be micro doses just to help anxiety cause I can’t handle a full dose, it ends up having the opposite effect and making me panic for 15 hours straight. So I’m mostly gonna smoke/vape. Since that’s a lot easier to control the dose and a lot more predictable and doesn’t seem to make me lose my **** like edibles do. Yeah, I guess it’s about moderation. I’m gonna vape on my birthday. Just a couple hits and that’s all. Just to relax and unwind. I haven’t had a bad experience with vaping like I’ve had multiple times with edibles. For those, the bad kind of outweighs the good experiences cause the bad experiences are basically to the level of being traumatic.

You are intact BB! That's what matters - All is good!

Been getting back into watching baseball recently, sports used to be such a big hobby of mine, would be nice if I could get back into it.

I think I’m just gonna stop getting high with THC because I think it messes with me more than it helps. I have an anxiety disorder and bipolar and when I get high sometimes it feels good but sometimes it feels like a never ending panic attack and like I’m about to lose my mind and end up with psychosis. So I’m thinking I should just not mess with it anymore at all. I feel like I wasted a lot of money because I spent $200 on edibles and vapes and I have two vapes left and 89 edibles left and I don’t want to throw them away and waste that money but idk. I keep convincing myself it will be okay just in moderation but it tends to end up being a bad experience and I get scared. So it’s probably not worth it

I hate adjusting to med changes

My psychiatrist made three changes almost three weeks ago. Increased the abilify, increased the Thorazine and decreased the Zoloft. I’m just waiting for the side effects to wear off of being constantly exhausted and anxiety worse