Roll Call 202

I'll pray that it's ok.

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I did my 9 hour shift at work last night. My sister happened to be nearby so she gave me a ride home from work so I didn’t have to wait for a bus. I got some ice cream on the way home. I tried the vape pen. Just a bit cause I didn’t want to overdo it. But it was enough to relax and chill and feel good for awhile. I haven’t felt that relaxed in a long time. Like I’m really glad I didn’t have a bad reaction. My biggest concern was ending up with a paranoid or some sort of bad mental health reaction but I didn’t feel that at all. I just felt calm and good. So I’m happy about that. But yeah, not something I’m gonna do everyday but maybe on weekends or days off sometimes, I’m glad I have them though cause it really oddly helped my anxiety a lot cause I was physically and mentally worn out from work. It allowed me to relax enough to finally get some sleep

Had a beautiful 3 hour sleep - Then I got home, did some things, took a low dose of phenibut, which gave me the sleeps, and I slept another 5 hours. It's 1230am now.

I'll tell my psychiatrist to give me a break from the stimulant - Cuz it makes me care waaaay too much about everything. I'd just love to care less for a while.

I've been on stimulants for over a decade now.

I have a violin lesson later today. I got in 22,500 steps yesterday between work and the treadmill so I’m giving myself a rest day physically. I’m just chilling. Back at the exercising tomorrow. Today I’m making homemade turkey sloppy joes in the crockpot. Other than that not a whole lot going on. Just a lot of violin practice before my lesson which isn’t until 6pm. After that gonna spend some time with my bf.

I managed to get someone to sign up for a credit card at work last night. And also got someone to sign up for our loyalty program. So that’s good. I’m actually enjoying my job. I mean it’s stressful and a lot of work but I can manage it. The people are much friendlier than at my last job. I’ve been there for 26 days so far. I’m trying to stick with it for 9 months then after that my bf and I are moving in together. Well I’m moving down there and I’m gonna be working at his job once I’m down there.

Why is it that I'd rather listen to music than learn at this point. I am deeply feeling person.

All I need is music and mushrooms, ket etc

Cuz the world is too difficult. People are optimistic... But I fear. What happens when there is no ground beneath us.

Because there is no ground.. We're in space. I'd like to learn about pharmacology and such..

I hope AI fixes things. But also people need to know themselves, and love more with proper positive intentions and reactions..

Buddhism would teach me well.. Meditating.. But I'd rather listen to music much of the time.. I have to do what is uncomfortable, cuz then I'd grow more..

What is wrong with me, I'll never know, within this life - It seems like.. I just need friends - I have hope.. But I'm on the computer all the time. It's very unhealthy.. I tried to read today, but it has been the same. Worst is that my mom wanted to go for a hike - But I felt so hyper - In a mood where I wouldn't be able to appreciate the hike.. Cuz of the corruption news and conspiracy research... I've put myself into a strange world..

But I will come out of it much better, with time.. I'm finding solutions, slowly..

People need to awaken - But maybe I'm not as awakened as the people that know the things about society that I do, and musicians, while we were high on plant.

It's been a while since I posted, sorry about that.

Went through a pretty bad episode and got hospitalized, but am doing a little better now. On the Abilify LAI, and about to start clozapine next week.


Been watching House MD, and playing a lot of path exile to distract myself, hope you are all doing well.

Was supposed to have today off work but they asked if I can come in so I’m doing a 4 hour shift today from 2pm to 6pm

I c-A-n-T T-a-K-E i-T a-N-Y-m-O-r-E

Work went well tonight. I have work again tomorrow at 6am to 10am so I have to head out to the bus around 4:45am. But it should be an easy shift cause it’s product placement before the store even opens so I won’t have to deal with customers tomorrow. Just unboxing shipments and putting the new merch where it belongs on the sales floor. I’m coming up on having been working there a full month.

I’m glad I started vaping thc , and am gonna get some of those CBD/THC gummies too. It’s a nice way to relax after work and sometimes on my days off. Feels good.

Anyway, I’m doing good. Oddly enough a lot better than before. The THC works a ton better than my anxiety meds. It also helps my mood and anger. Idk why I haven’t done this in so long. Like I went over 10 years without smoking. I only did it a few times when I was 16 but I never really got a chance to fully experience it and enjoy it in the way I am now. Back then it was just like because friends were doing it, or because I was trying to escape my problems. This is different though. I’m a lot more mature at 29 than I was at 16. I can responsibly do that and still maintain the things I need to do and want to do like work, my hobbies, healthy diet, exercise , my relationship etc. strangely enough it helps my impulsiveness immensely too. Like I was so impulsive for so many years and looking for ways to manage it but I never could, I’d impulsively quit job, end relationships, spend money, binge eat, etc. I don’t even have the slightest urge to do that since I started smoking a few days ago. Like at all. Which doesn’t seem like much but it’s a huge deal considering I couldn’t go an hour without struggling with impulsiveness before.

But yeah I feel really good right now. I’m doing really well in my life. I’m happy and feel like I’m making a lot of progress. My sister told me I seem a ton more confident the other day when I saw her for the first time in months and that made me feel good.

It’s good to see you falcon. I hope the meds help. *hug*

I used to watch a lot of House MD , it’s a good show

I got stuck at work 20 min past the time I was supposed to clock out. I had 2 min left till clocking out and someone started to walk up to the register and I decided I’d take her cause it looked like she just had two items. Omg she had the most bizarre ridiculously complex convoluted transaction I have had to deal with. So I was stuck with her for 20 min I eventually had to get a manager

I feel like I need to find a support board for specifically bipolar and BPD cause those are the main things I struggle with. I’m diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. But I’m very much sure that is a misdiagnosis and it’s just bipolar and BPD. I think my paranoia comes from my BPD and my manic episodes from bipolar. I don’t think I have full blown schizoaffective. Like I don’t have hallucinations. They pretty much based the diagnosis off the fact that I had occasional psychotic symptoms outside of manic and depresssive episodes. But like I said I think those are from my BPD.

I like posting here cause I’ve been doing it for over 10 years but I feel weird sometimes because I feel like I can’t relate because I don’t think I have schizoaffective and I feel like I don’t fit in since my experiences are pretty different.

The BPD board on here is barely active at all. And a lot of the other ones online can be very toxic.

I'm scared

But I will be strong.

I put in a 2 week notice at work yesterday. Retail is not for me. My paranoia and anxiety at work has started getting more severe and I can’t deal with the unpredictable hours it messes up my sleep and I end up going 2-3 days at a time with zero sleep. So I put in a 2 week notice. At least I didn’t impulsively quit or stop showing up. My last day will be May 7th.

I wanted to sign up for M*** or inject myself with * dose of * laced *. SP asked me what would make me want to live, I said "For my dad to visit" - I broke down and cried when I got home from work.

I talked to my mom about what happened - I said that everything happens so fast that I don't have time to process things so I didn't tell her at first. She said to set boundaries with certain people online like "This isn't good for my mental health, I have to save myself etc - It's not about you it's me etc" - And to talk to my brother, dad, sister etc and just say "How are you" and that I don't have to talk, I can just let them talk..

I had chest pain from drinking 1L of pineapple and lime juice - I think it could have been reflux symptoms, but I thought it could be my heart (Cuz I was lying down on stim).. Today has been more than stressful, or past month at least...

Low doses of * is what is making me cry almost every day for over a month. When I used it in summer of 2017, I cried 40 times a day for 6 days.

I have the top 1% life in the world. I can't screw it up. If I don't have a chance, no one does.

But it's so hard to learn the self and other thing so quickly, I just need to process it a little bit more..