Roll Call 202

Yeah I’m probably gonna stick it out through the holidays, it’s only a temp position so if they don’t want to keep me after that I’ll be fine with that but if they do I will try to stay for a year and then put in my two week notice and leave before next years holidays so I don’t have to deal with another retail holiday season. Either way is fine with me. If they don’t keep me it’s no big deal because it was a temp position anyway so it’s not like being fired, I can still add it to my resume as a successful temporary seasonal job. but if they do keep me I’m fine with that too. I have to be nice to myself because I’ve only been in retail for a little over 3 months now. I’m still learning. It’s definitely not something I’m gonna stay with forever though. I will try to learn more computer skills so I can get some kind of office job eventually though.

It’s kind of crazy though learning a new register system in the midst of the week before Christmas. Like what a bad time to switch jobs. Cause even though they’re the same in a lot of ways the systems and procedures and stuff are still different if that makes sense.

Regardless if I stay here a year or just seasonal it’s a few extra big paychecks at the very least. I’m not thrilled about working 29 hours this week and on Christmas Eve and back to back shifts on no sleep but if I can make it through the next two weeks without walking out it will be fine. I just need to not act on my impulse of quitting lol just gotta get through the next two weeks.

I have to go to work soon. I work from 5:30pm till 11:15pm so I’ll probably be getting home around 12:30am to 1am.

I got the district manager as a customer today. I didn’t know who she was but she showed me her employee id discount card so I was like oh you’re an employee and she’s like yes I’m the district manager lol I did not expect to get the district manager of the stores as my customer on my third day.

Eating shrimp flavoured chips

Got home around half past midnight. Just drinking coffee now and trying to relax and unwind. My feet hurt. I have Friday off though so yay no work tomorrow. I can do whatever I want.

I don’t know why people linger in the store till 2 minutes till closing then come up with a cart full with stuff. Like it’s not just one person either. There were multiple people that did it tonight. Just linger in the store till the last second then come up all at once and I’m the only cashier up there then I get stuck checking them out past closing time. Then someone decides they want to leave an entire cart full of stuff at the register. Also someone walked out today (stole) an entire cart filled with stuff. He ran through the doors with a full cart. That’s really bold. Like not even an item in the pocket or something an entire freaking cart full of stuff lol.

Anyway, it was busy almost non stop tonight. Like a line snaking all throughout the store. But it went mostly well. It’s still as tiring and exhausting as my last job but it doesn’t feel like a toxic environment like my last job was. Idk how long it will last , it’s just a temp job. So who knows if they’ll keep me. But we’ll see

I tried biscuits and gravy chips one time. They were like a special flavor lays came out with. Biscuits and gravy is a popular southern breakfast, it’s really good. I never had it till I lived in Kentucky in my teenage years. I can’t remember how the chips were though.

I can’t believe I’ve worked 4 days in a row. Does it make any sense that it’s the same exact job and same stress but it’s a less toxic atmosphere than the last one. Better coworkers. Managers less micromanaging jerks. It just feels more bearable. I don’t like it by any means, I don’t enjoy retail. But I don’t hate this one to the point of feeling sick thinking about going like I did my last one. I don’t care whether it lasts a long time or not. It really doesn’t matter to me. One way or another it’s fine.

Also Monday through this coming Sunday I’ll have worked 35 hours total. That’s the most I’ve ever worked in one week in the time I’ve been working. I’m proud of myself.

Also I get my first paycheck next Friday and it’s gonna be really good and I plan on using some of it to treat myself that day to Wendy’s before work and McDonald’s after work. Because why not. I rarely treat myself to take out. I’ve been craving some burgers or something and haven’t had money to get any but I get my paycheck next Friday. They give weekly paychecks but the first paycheck when you start is delayed till the following Friday after the week you start. I started this Monday. So my first paycheck comes next Friday. Then it’s every Friday after that.

So yeah yay takeout! Andddd I’m buying a small printer so I can print sheet music for my violin lessons. I need a printer anyway and don’t have one. It will be helpful for college when I go back too.

And! Taxes. I get my tax return probably in February.

In other news though I still miss Maybelle a lot. She sits in her little urn on my shelf in the front of my living room. I miss my girl. She was such a good kitty.

Meant to hug not thank.

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The only thing I can think about is food. I might order in tomorrow. I'll see. I'm obsessed. I can't stop thinking about pizza and burgers. Pizza, burgers, and fries, oh my!

I hate my bad memories and they stomp through my head. I wish I could lock them away or something. The tinnitus is flaring up lately. I really miss my old friends. I got a wonderful email from my oldest living friend today. It was so beautiful, really blessed.

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I wish I could get a facelift and a new kitten like Martha Stewart. I think she's 80 but she looks great.

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I can't prioritize my thoughts, keep obsessing about my identity and afraid of coworker

I took benzos too often

Diazepam has a 2-4x longer half life than clonazepam. I should have stuck to clonazepam like the psychiatrist wanted initially. For some reason, I thought the half lives didn't matter much.

There's too much though.. Of thoughts.. I wish this didn't happen. I'll try and meditate. Music sounded great, and I was fine.. Then I bought new earbuds, I thought about money.. Then thought about work.. And my coworkers..

I want to be alone. I am reserved.. I don't want anyone to interact with me. They just cause me problems.

I don't have a problem with anyone though. Why do people have problems with me. What am I doing wrong.. Feeling too much pain is the only thing + avoidance and being isolated for so long.

Why do people pretend like reality is even real if I know it isn't? If I tell them, they're like "What? Are you ok?" and I think .. What? Are we just supposed to be actors? Or do you not know you're even acting? Are you being yourself? No one has to be themselves anyways.. What guideline says that that has to be a rule.. I am being myself always.. I don't lie, I hide away.. Go away.

And then the spiritual aspects come in.. Things I don't understand.. Things most people don't understand.. There's a soul and shadow, they rotate throughout life.. People make mistakes, change.. It's just a laser show.

And narcissists expect every broken and unfinished pattern to understand itself completely, everyone does... To get what they want.. So dominance and power..

To awaken is seeing the power... To use for good or evil. If you can share it with others and help them..

Selfish and selflessness.. This world is selfish.. But most people are good.. And many of the selfish are broken AF themselves. People just want to survive now - And want to take all that they can get, out of hopelessness, fear, despair "It's all going to end anyways"... That's what I did.. But I was just 16 or so...

Everyone is at no fault, so comes Jesus etc.. Ourselves, and outsider saviours/prophets.. What can't be controlled, can turn in anyone's or all of our favours.. Groups of people.. But we have to use our free will, and take ownership of soul..

Anyways, don't pay attention to me. The universe loves us.

I could have done something for my family if I had one. I do now.. Which makes me feel loved, again - After all of this.. But I have deep wounds that people don't even care to understand without some horrible price of manipulation. It's because everyone is broken. I haven't seen anyone that isn't unless they feel no emotion or empathy.

The Ayahuasca will heal everyone... And then the UFOs will land, simultaneously a spark catches fire in the console and every part of me throughout my life gets ZAPPED equally, in some new special line.. That flashes before my eyes, when I die/am born again..

Any advice is welcome - But none is really needed.. Just don't freak out about my venting.. I'll sit quietly and listen to anyone here with respect and humility etc.. Idk what I'm doing exactly.. But I'm ok..

Part of me is so tempted to not go to work today. It’s a 9 1/2 hour shift. That’s a long day. Especially since it’s Saturday and the day before Christmas Eve. It’s gonna be so damn busy. Also I won’t get home till after midnight and have to leave tomorrow at 6:30am for work again so no sleep between shifts. I want to enjoy the holiday weekend and not be sleep deprived but I have this stupid **** to deal with. What’s the point anyway. It’s just a temp job. It’s not gonna last anyway. I can’t do this long term anyway so what’s the point

I’m tempted to not go. I don’t want to feel like a failure for giving up but I feel like retail isn’t the place for me.

Hugs, Blue_Bird. You should go. You took the job knowing it was only temporary, and gave your word that you'd be there. If you really can't do it, ok.

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Was tempted last night to throw everything away, and tell my mom to bring me to my psychiatrists hospital.

But I said, if I can sleep tonight - I'll deal with it in the morning. I don't often feel like a failure - But in this case? I definitely would, 100%..

Like I failed my mom, family, world.. For sticking to my old ways. Like my old psych nurse said "All you have to do is stop taking things that are unprescribed. It's so simple - But you don't do it, do you?" - And he was a good person, would joke around with me.. Cuz he thought I was so smart.. And that how could I do the same stupid thing over and over and over again..

But this time it was so strategic, and years planned experimentation.. Evolved..

Cuz I imagine if I were ever in the ER again, they'd be like "Ok.. He knows what he's talking about, knows risks etc" (Like my psychiatrist, doctor, student psychiatrist, therapist...).. But as a failure, I'd be like ... So depressed, and unable to have the motivation to talk (Cuz I'd have messed up so bad) - And my with my heart OCD (Like the 20 normal EKGs), I asked the nurse, "Will these cables shock me if my heart stops?" and she said "...Yes.." and I was like "D: =[", then she was like "No jk.." and I thought, "Wow what a joke - Is it really my fault that I'm in this emergency room? Cuz I'm constantly suicidal and no one cares".

But anyways.. So it's a new day.. I'll throw some things away...

My plan is to do something good (With all the interests that I have - I think the most important is "conspiracy" and spirituality in relation to my sensitive trauma mind, pharmaceuticals/medicine... Now that the drug war is ending).

And to enjoy my life.. I am ready to die, but don't want to of course.. Not yet. I still have lots to learn and experience.

I probably should have but I already quit so it’s too late now :/

I’m just gonna keep doing the cat rescue volunteer job I have and focus on gaining volunteer experience and go back to college so I can get a better job eventually when I’m ready.