Roll Call 203

Next step is to make a dental appointment in week or so to fix my crown

We also talked about biofeedback and like training my heart rate to be lower. Cause it gets high often due to anxiety.

Oh and I almost forgot I need to go get my covid and flu shots. I'm gonna try to do that before the end of October.

I am trying to make a serious effort to lose weight because I’ve gained quite a bit and it’s not good. So I’m trying to stop binge eating and boredom eating. Eat more healthy overall, at least much less sugary junk food, no more bingeing, and try to increase my exercise significantly.

I find it's easy to be extreme on matters such as these, for me, at least.

So, I try to eliminate one thing at a time. For example, in the past month, I've almost completely eliminated sugary beverages such as Coke.

That is not to say I don't have the occasional Coke or lemonade, for that matter, but I have seriously tried to drink water only when I go out to eat or whatever.

I feel depressed. Suffering. Nothing to say anymore.

It's just a pure overwhelming sadness.

Something that I refuse to let happen until my death, you guys know what I did...

I'm trying to prepare what to say to my psychiatrist...

That’s a good idea. Right now I’m just eliminating sweets. Like candy, ice cream, pastries. Well not eliminating them but not buying them and bringing large quantities home cause then I binge on them.

Hope you feel better Desoxyn, it’s good to see you. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing

I’m doing really good. I’ve been exercising everyday. And it’s helping my anxiety and irritability and my sleep. I’m also regularly practicing violin now most days. I kind of was going through a depressive phase I think for awhile. Cause I wasn’t doing much of anything for a few months. I’d always end up laying around most days. But I’ve been really active lately. Been feeling good. Been working on eating healthier.

I think I’ve found a good balance of activity and down time finally. I tend to do both in extremes but now I’ve found a balance of doing both. Like today I took the bus to the grocery store. Used their coinstar machine. Came home. Then walked to family dollar and bought 20lbs of cat litter. Carried that home. Took a shower, got on the treadmill for 30 min. But also spent time watching shows and playing games. Got my 10,000 steps in. But still spent time relaxing and didn’t feel guilty because I got a lot of activity in too. I’m trying to not do too much of either activity or downtime in extremes anymore.

Tomorrow I have my volunteer shift with the rescue cats, treadmill, violin practice and cleaning my apartment. But am going to also spend time meditating and reading and playing some games. So yeah balance.

Monday I need to go pick up my meds. And the new vitamin d. Wednesday there’s a class in my building being done by a nutritionist on nutrition so I’m gonna go to that. And Thursday evening there’s a chess/game night which I’m going to as well. I’m hoping to find someone to play chess with. Friday I have my therapy appointment. And Saturday I’m walking down to the Italian bakery/cafe that I won the gift card to and using up the last of the money on it to get a large caramel macchiato. Those are the plans for the week

Excited to see The Lord of the Rings War of the Rohirrim in theater in December and Nosferatu which comes out then too!

Also excited for Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas!

Started the vitamin d my doctor prescribed

I am very super happy...

Just my "consciousness" (As I said to my doctor), every 3-6 months ... Has been changing.. Dramatically..

He said "Is there anything else you'd like me to help you with?" (After he gave me the Invega Trinza injection) "No!" I said.

BlackRock is buying Bitcoin.

Went to the Italian cafe bakery. Got my large caramel macchiato. There was like $1.50 leftover on my gift card so I let them round up my total so they could donate the rest to St. Jude.

I have been very stressed lately. Also not sure whether to take modafinil or not. I've been helping my fiancee after a surgery she had. It is difficult.

Never mind, not going to take modafinil. I have found over time that it is not so good for my anxiety.

I am also doing better with respect to the stress. It is difficult, but I am able to handle it.

Getting my drivers license (For my new job) - So I locked my drugs up in a pouch and gave them to my mom. She can hold onto them for a year or so.

I baked bread today. It was a no yeast one, that like had only a couple ingredients. It came out okay, it was my first time making non-dessert bread so it was okay, I am going to keep working on it though and learn more and make better bread over time, like with actual yeast. I just made this because I was bored and wanted to see how it'd come out, and baking feels good especially this time of year. I'm trying to get better at cooking. I'm making egg custard pie and chess pie around Thanksgiving

My neighbor/friend said she hears me playing violin sometimes and loves it, that made me feel good. I always worry about bothering people with it. But I do have a right to make noise in my apartment, it's not like I play at ridiculous hours like the middle of the night or something, I just get self conscious.

I also drew today the past two days and am happy with how they came out

I had EMDR again with my therapist yesterday. It went well.

And I’ve been taking my meds regularly 100% consistently. Also the new vitamin D formulation/dose my doctor prescribed hasn’t caused any side effects thus far like the last one did, so fingers crossed that it stays that way. I’ve been on it almost a week so far. He wants my levels up to at least at 14 by January when we retest. They’re at 9 currently.

Dentist appointment went well they re-cemented the crown that came off. The dentist was really nice. He was telling me about partials and implants cause I’m missing two teeth. He said both those are options, which no one ever mentioned to me before. So he said to ask my dentist at my cleaning in December about getting a partial. Idk if I’ll get implants. Maybe someday I can afford it. But I can at least get the partial even if my insurance ends up not covering that’s something I could realistically pay for. Anyway, that’s exciting. I’m gonna start saving money in the meantime in case my insurance doesn’t cover it. But we’ll see. I have my cleaning set up for December 13th.

I’m so devastated over the election results. This is horrible.

I’m not gonna have a place to live or income soon or food since he’s getting rid of SSI and any other type of assistance , or insurance so I won’t have meds

So I wish I was dead basically.

Did he say that?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

As far as I know yes, that’s the one of many thing that everyone’s stressed about right now, he’s making cuts to a lot of important stuff

I put on a body warmer cuz I was getting the chills.. THC shatter chills..

I've been hypomanic maybe before I met Miku, then I was severely depressed, and cried a lot - Healing of trauma, but also triggering it - Molding idk.. It was really ****ed up but also not.

Since the Vraylar, I've been very happy (I wrote this on Snapchat);

-

"Ok so I'll start doing things at random - I pick a thing, even if I don't want to do it.... My mom said I'm manic and to take a benzo.. I just wish I could somehow do something super meaningful, or make a lot of money. I drank rum and then took the benzo. I blame Sy and what she did to me, and Miku - But I've benefitted somehow - Cuz there is no giving up, and we continue and accept what ever has happened..... Should have chill time for self-reflection/introspection".

-

I'm taking 3mg of Vraylar instead of 4.5mg (Cuz I took the 4.5mg 2 weeks early, and don't have any left - But I have 2x weeks of 3mg Vraylar left). So I wonder what that does.

Last night I was listening to Clif High.. He says E=MC2 is backwards, ontologically - Not fully sure what that means, but basically "Energy/consciousness condenses into matter, instead of the other way around"

So spirituality is the key... So if you sit and meditate, self-reflect, any journaling, gratitude, good sleep, all healthy things.. That's what I do .. I do the healthiest of things.. I bought resistance bands (And a bar) + A treadmill (Which will arrive on the 19th) cuz I went for a run yesterday (Can't today cuz it's snowing) and it was awesome - I tried that inhaler so I could breathe in deeper since it was too cold and made my lungs hurt.. idk.. Not a good idea..

My sister and my mom got worried two nights ago about my drug usage, so they threw away all of my drugs (I allowed it as a decision of mine) - So all I have is meds, phenibut and cannabinoids.

I see my psychiatrist on the 18th, and I'll let him know a few things - Basically this (And a bit more that I'll add);

"New appointment 2024

- Vraylar works extremely well for psychosis - But the Invega injection is also useful
- Exercise is useful for not using drugs (But it’s gotten cold outside)
- Mild hydromorphone 2mg/ml nasal spray and 20mg/ml desoxyephedrine tincture addiction (Explain why and how you used them)
- Explain that you’ve used opioids for a year (2-3mg hydromorphone daily for 6 months), never overdosed once - And when I stopped for 1-2 months, no withdrawal happened.
- I was exercising (Running on the treadmill for 15-20 minutes a day in the hotel)
- Still take all of my meds as prescribed (Seriously)
- Refills for meds (Including diazepam refills)
- Jasper is basically a ghost town idk.. I’m learning to get my drivers license - To get a job washing buses I’d have to drive them around into the shop - And I’ll be changing tires etc)
- Been making more goals recently, more productive (Now that I’m not talking to my two friends as much)
- Trying to come to terms with infinite reality - It means once awakened, I get to do tricks...
- During formative years, I had symptoms of schizotypal, avoidant and borderline PD
- Maybe my schizophrenia is cured"

I tried learning about coding/programming today, and got distracted - I'd rather do chemistry courses.. I started reading a shamanistic book about schizophrenia - I read a few pages, and just started getting immersed into music... I'm learning how to journal again... So I'll do that later, and make a blog again...

A friend said that one piece of writing that I wrote, that I should write books, because she reads a lot of books and *knows when someone has talent* or some thing, like that....

Cuz when I write, there's certain styles that come out, based on my mood and cognition.. I have a very varying cognition.. It changes.. My personality changes.. My mom says I'm authentic and genuine etc still.. I have to understand/be aware of my morals, values, traits etc.... I think I have a somewhat intelligence _ I just need to ascend higher, in the stages of consciousness, awareness etc... All of the metaphysical thoughts, very helpful - But they don't happen as much anymore (Unless I don't notice them cuz there's less variability of comparison to my old ways of thinking)....

And I want to still be a neoshaman.. My mom called my friend a "Skank", and said that I couldn't fly to Vancouver to go to a party with her... My mom and sister said she is a narcissist - Idk if that's really true, it seems true.. Cuz she's sulking right now, and won't talk to me.. She would leave me on reply and my mom would say "Shame on her for doing that, she's immature" (She's 40...).. My sister sent her messages to defend me... Maybe I'm naive.. Idk..

She wants to be a neoshaman too, but she is addicted to ketamine, takes morphine, hydromorphone, Dexedrine, clonazepam etc.. (Prescribed) - She's drugged basically, but has a 145 IQ? Miku's IQ is 150+.. Idk why these people like to talk to me... When I've accomplished basically nothing in my life that society would consider relevant - In fact, I go against society.. Cuz I think (AS Clif High said), reality is an illusion that was created by people, money, - The starting point of science etc won't lead anywhere.. Yknow how physicists smash particles together to try and find a "God particle", and manipulate them to create something from them.. Quantum computers work 70% of the time etc and have to be cooled to zero kelvin temperatures and away from observation or human consciousness.. In order for them to work... That AI is dumb... And there's nothing really to worry about, even if they take most people's jobs.. That's how it should be really, but there'd be spiritual consequences....

Like sometimes I write so abstract, and I love when I do that.. I wonder if there's ways for me to continue doing that.. It only happens when I feel playful or something related to that....

My sister and her bf are visiting for 2 months! After 1/3 of my town burnt down.. And then my dad will visit too in a few days. Everything will be awesome. I wish I could make music.. I should learn how.. Remember for me, to pick something random - But I should play guitar more etc.

The only reason that I quit all 10x different drugs is because Trump won the election and now there's the "Trump effect" where every bad country is respecting the united states more _ So no big threat of nuclear war etc.. I was really worried beyond almost death about that happening... Many bad things will still happen, it's not perfect - But it's as good as can be done.. Since I know what I'm talking about, as I research every day while everyone doesn't have time to do all of this stuff since they're at work or caring for their kids, or sleeping.. Or getting high (Like most people do in modern society to get rid of the pain of civilization collapse) - But it will get better. I am an optimist now.

My driving teacher said that I did great on the driving lesson few days ago. That's pretty awesome.