Roll Call 203

Started the vitamin d my doctor prescribed

I am very super happy...

Just my "consciousness" (As I said to my doctor), every 3-6 months ... Has been changing.. Dramatically..

He said "Is there anything else you'd like me to help you with?" (After he gave me the Invega Trinza injection) "No!" I said.

BlackRock is buying Bitcoin.

Went to the Italian cafe bakery. Got my large caramel macchiato. There was like $1.50 leftover on my gift card so I let them round up my total so they could donate the rest to St. Jude.

I have been very stressed lately. Also not sure whether to take modafinil or not. I've been helping my fiancee after a surgery she had. It is difficult.

Never mind, not going to take modafinil. I have found over time that it is not so good for my anxiety.

I am also doing better with respect to the stress. It is difficult, but I am able to handle it.

Getting my drivers license (For my new job) - So I locked my drugs up in a pouch and gave them to my mom. She can hold onto them for a year or so.

I baked bread today. It was a no yeast one, that like had only a couple ingredients. It came out okay, it was my first time making non-dessert bread so it was okay, I am going to keep working on it though and learn more and make better bread over time, like with actual yeast. I just made this because I was bored and wanted to see how it'd come out, and baking feels good especially this time of year. I'm trying to get better at cooking. I'm making egg custard pie and chess pie around Thanksgiving

My neighbor/friend said she hears me playing violin sometimes and loves it, that made me feel good. I always worry about bothering people with it. But I do have a right to make noise in my apartment, it's not like I play at ridiculous hours like the middle of the night or something, I just get self conscious.

I also drew today the past two days and am happy with how they came out

I had EMDR again with my therapist yesterday. It went well.

And I’ve been taking my meds regularly 100% consistently. Also the new vitamin D formulation/dose my doctor prescribed hasn’t caused any side effects thus far like the last one did, so fingers crossed that it stays that way. I’ve been on it almost a week so far. He wants my levels up to at least at 14 by January when we retest. They’re at 9 currently.

Dentist appointment went well they re-cemented the crown that came off. The dentist was really nice. He was telling me about partials and implants cause I’m missing two teeth. He said both those are options, which no one ever mentioned to me before. So he said to ask my dentist at my cleaning in December about getting a partial. Idk if I’ll get implants. Maybe someday I can afford it. But I can at least get the partial even if my insurance ends up not covering that’s something I could realistically pay for. Anyway, that’s exciting. I’m gonna start saving money in the meantime in case my insurance doesn’t cover it. But we’ll see. I have my cleaning set up for December 13th.

I’m so devastated over the election results. This is horrible.

I’m not gonna have a place to live or income soon or food since he’s getting rid of SSI and any other type of assistance , or insurance so I won’t have meds

So I wish I was dead basically.

Did he say that?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

As far as I know yes, that’s the one of many thing that everyone’s stressed about right now, he’s making cuts to a lot of important stuff

I put on a body warmer cuz I was getting the chills.. THC shatter chills..

I've been hypomanic maybe before I met Miku, then I was severely depressed, and cried a lot - Healing of trauma, but also triggering it - Molding idk.. It was really ****ed up but also not.

Since the Vraylar, I've been very happy (I wrote this on Snapchat);

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"Ok so I'll start doing things at random - I pick a thing, even if I don't want to do it.... My mom said I'm manic and to take a benzo.. I just wish I could somehow do something super meaningful, or make a lot of money. I drank rum and then took the benzo. I blame Sy and what she did to me, and Miku - But I've benefitted somehow - Cuz there is no giving up, and we continue and accept what ever has happened..... Should have chill time for self-reflection/introspection".

-

I'm taking 3mg of Vraylar instead of 4.5mg (Cuz I took the 4.5mg 2 weeks early, and don't have any left - But I have 2x weeks of 3mg Vraylar left). So I wonder what that does.

Last night I was listening to Clif High.. He says E=MC2 is backwards, ontologically - Not fully sure what that means, but basically "Energy/consciousness condenses into matter, instead of the other way around"

So spirituality is the key... So if you sit and meditate, self-reflect, any journaling, gratitude, good sleep, all healthy things.. That's what I do .. I do the healthiest of things.. I bought resistance bands (And a bar) + A treadmill (Which will arrive on the 19th) cuz I went for a run yesterday (Can't today cuz it's snowing) and it was awesome - I tried that inhaler so I could breathe in deeper since it was too cold and made my lungs hurt.. idk.. Not a good idea..

My sister and my mom got worried two nights ago about my drug usage, so they threw away all of my drugs (I allowed it as a decision of mine) - So all I have is meds, phenibut and cannabinoids.

I see my psychiatrist on the 18th, and I'll let him know a few things - Basically this (And a bit more that I'll add);

"New appointment 2024

- Vraylar works extremely well for psychosis - But the Invega injection is also useful
- Exercise is useful for not using drugs (But it’s gotten cold outside)
- Mild hydromorphone 2mg/ml nasal spray and 20mg/ml desoxyephedrine tincture addiction (Explain why and how you used them)
- Explain that you’ve used opioids for a year (2-3mg hydromorphone daily for 6 months), never overdosed once - And when I stopped for 1-2 months, no withdrawal happened.
- I was exercising (Running on the treadmill for 15-20 minutes a day in the hotel)
- Still take all of my meds as prescribed (Seriously)
- Refills for meds (Including diazepam refills)
- Jasper is basically a ghost town idk.. I’m learning to get my drivers license - To get a job washing buses I’d have to drive them around into the shop - And I’ll be changing tires etc)
- Been making more goals recently, more productive (Now that I’m not talking to my two friends as much)
- Trying to come to terms with infinite reality - It means once awakened, I get to do tricks...
- During formative years, I had symptoms of schizotypal, avoidant and borderline PD
- Maybe my schizophrenia is cured"

I tried learning about coding/programming today, and got distracted - I'd rather do chemistry courses.. I started reading a shamanistic book about schizophrenia - I read a few pages, and just started getting immersed into music... I'm learning how to journal again... So I'll do that later, and make a blog again...

A friend said that one piece of writing that I wrote, that I should write books, because she reads a lot of books and *knows when someone has talent* or some thing, like that....

Cuz when I write, there's certain styles that come out, based on my mood and cognition.. I have a very varying cognition.. It changes.. My personality changes.. My mom says I'm authentic and genuine etc still.. I have to understand/be aware of my morals, values, traits etc.... I think I have a somewhat intelligence _ I just need to ascend higher, in the stages of consciousness, awareness etc... All of the metaphysical thoughts, very helpful - But they don't happen as much anymore (Unless I don't notice them cuz there's less variability of comparison to my old ways of thinking)....

And I want to still be a neoshaman.. My mom called my friend a "Skank", and said that I couldn't fly to Vancouver to go to a party with her... My mom and sister said she is a narcissist - Idk if that's really true, it seems true.. Cuz she's sulking right now, and won't talk to me.. She would leave me on reply and my mom would say "Shame on her for doing that, she's immature" (She's 40...).. My sister sent her messages to defend me... Maybe I'm naive.. Idk..

She wants to be a neoshaman too, but she is addicted to ketamine, takes morphine, hydromorphone, Dexedrine, clonazepam etc.. (Prescribed) - She's drugged basically, but has a 145 IQ? Miku's IQ is 150+.. Idk why these people like to talk to me... When I've accomplished basically nothing in my life that society would consider relevant - In fact, I go against society.. Cuz I think (AS Clif High said), reality is an illusion that was created by people, money, - The starting point of science etc won't lead anywhere.. Yknow how physicists smash particles together to try and find a "God particle", and manipulate them to create something from them.. Quantum computers work 70% of the time etc and have to be cooled to zero kelvin temperatures and away from observation or human consciousness.. In order for them to work... That AI is dumb... And there's nothing really to worry about, even if they take most people's jobs.. That's how it should be really, but there'd be spiritual consequences....

Like sometimes I write so abstract, and I love when I do that.. I wonder if there's ways for me to continue doing that.. It only happens when I feel playful or something related to that....

My sister and her bf are visiting for 2 months! After 1/3 of my town burnt down.. And then my dad will visit too in a few days. Everything will be awesome. I wish I could make music.. I should learn how.. Remember for me, to pick something random - But I should play guitar more etc.

The only reason that I quit all 10x different drugs is because Trump won the election and now there's the "Trump effect" where every bad country is respecting the united states more _ So no big threat of nuclear war etc.. I was really worried beyond almost death about that happening... Many bad things will still happen, it's not perfect - But it's as good as can be done.. Since I know what I'm talking about, as I research every day while everyone doesn't have time to do all of this stuff since they're at work or caring for their kids, or sleeping.. Or getting high (Like most people do in modern society to get rid of the pain of civilization collapse) - But it will get better. I am an optimist now.

My driving teacher said that I did great on the driving lesson few days ago. That's pretty awesome.

I am doing quite well today. Living in the Southern Hemisphere.

I don't know if that's capitalized in general language.

I hope everyone has a good day today.

Hello, I’m doing pretty good. I’m starting to vape again (THC) my sister got me a $175 indica vape pen and it’s supposedly really good and calming so hopefully that works out for anxiety. I got it tonight. I’m not trying it though till the end of the week and I’m only using it very occasionally and very lightly.

I’m doing pretty good. Just been working on art a lot. And practicing violin. I have a violin lesson Saturday. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Thursday I have to go pick up my meds and get my flu and Covid shots. And Friday I have an appointment with my therapist.

I've been vaping THC as well - It makes me more emotional and cry etc, yet gives me negative symptoms. It also changes my cognition - And I was learning exactly how it does change my cognition (By using ChatGPT).

I feel useless, but I shouldn't care about what people think. Although I balance with that, and allowing people to cause me negative emotions can help with awareness. Cuz I want to live life holistically;

"Living life holistically means looking at life as a complete, interconnected whole rather than as separate parts or isolated goals. A person seeking to live holistically usually aims to create balance across all areas of life—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social—so each part can support the others.

Here are some key aspects of a holistic approach to life:

Mind-Body Connection: Recognizing the link between physical and mental well-being. For example, exercise isn’t just about physical fitness; it also supports mental health, emotional resilience, and energy levels.

Balanced Lifestyle: Balancing work, relationships, health, and personal interests to create a fulfilling and stable life. This might mean not prioritizing career success over personal well-being, for example, or keeping space in life for hobbies and self-care.

Emotional Health and Growth: Giving importance to emotional awareness, healthy relationships, and personal growth. Living holistically often involves developing empathy, self-understanding, and skills to manage stress or negative emotions.

Alignment of Values and Actions: Making choices that reflect one’s true values and purpose, rather than just doing what’s expected or what others want. People who live holistically often seek meaningful work and relationships that are aligned with their beliefs.

Connection with Nature: Feeling a sense of unity with the natural world, which can bring calmness, joy, and perspective. Holistic living often includes practices like spending time outdoors, eating whole foods, and living sustainably.

Spiritual Exploration: Some pursue a spiritual connection—whether religious, spiritual, or philosophical—to find inner peace and a sense of purpose beyond daily life.

In short, living life holistically means aiming for an integrated, mindful approach that fosters well-being across all dimensions of life."

It’s good to see you Desoxyn

Sorry you’re having negative effects from the THC. I use it but I just have to be very mindful and careful with how I use it. I have to be in the right headspace when I use it. I also only take like one hit , 2 max from my vape and only usually on weekends. I’m very, very strict about it. If I know I’m not in the right headspace, even slightly, I don’t use it. It’s like if I’m in the wrong headspace mentally it makes it not go great and makes my anxiety worse. But if I’m in the right headspace it goes very well and can be helpful. It’s definitely not something I do all day everyday. And it has to be indica. I can’t do sativa, ever. Even hybrids can aggravate my anxiety some. I think the reason it caused me so many problems when I first started using it several months back was because I was using hybrids and also because I was overdoing it because I was really stressed from working retail. And the edibles just no. I can’t do them, they are not something I’ll ever mess with again most likely. I find vapings effects to be a lot more predictable and worse that happens is it doesn’t go well but the most it will last is 1-2 hours unlike 7 plus hours of never ending nightmare like the edibles can cause.

My psychiatrist got on me today about the THC. He reminded me of what happened last time I was vaping and taking edibles in the spring when I ended up severely manic and psychotic and reiterated a billion times today during our visit how bad it is especially for someone like me with bipolar and that he doesn’t want to see me end up inpatient in the hospital especially over the holidays. So he told me to stop and also wouldn’t sign my payee paperwork today for me to become my own payee. He said he’d sign it next month only if I quit weed.

Sucks but he’s right. So I guess I’m permanently giving it up.