Roll Call 203

I am doing quite well today. Living in the Southern Hemisphere.

I don't know if that's capitalized in general language.

I hope everyone has a good day today.

Hello, I’m doing pretty good. I’m starting to vape again (THC) my sister got me a $175 indica vape pen and it’s supposedly really good and calming so hopefully that works out for anxiety. I got it tonight. I’m not trying it though till the end of the week and I’m only using it very occasionally and very lightly.

I’m doing pretty good. Just been working on art a lot. And practicing violin. I have a violin lesson Saturday. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Thursday I have to go pick up my meds and get my flu and Covid shots. And Friday I have an appointment with my therapist.

I've been vaping THC as well - It makes me more emotional and cry etc, yet gives me negative symptoms. It also changes my cognition - And I was learning exactly how it does change my cognition (By using ChatGPT).

I feel useless, but I shouldn't care about what people think. Although I balance with that, and allowing people to cause me negative emotions can help with awareness. Cuz I want to live life holistically;

"Living life holistically means looking at life as a complete, interconnected whole rather than as separate parts or isolated goals. A person seeking to live holistically usually aims to create balance across all areas of life—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social—so each part can support the others.

Here are some key aspects of a holistic approach to life:

Mind-Body Connection: Recognizing the link between physical and mental well-being. For example, exercise isn’t just about physical fitness; it also supports mental health, emotional resilience, and energy levels.

Balanced Lifestyle: Balancing work, relationships, health, and personal interests to create a fulfilling and stable life. This might mean not prioritizing career success over personal well-being, for example, or keeping space in life for hobbies and self-care.

Emotional Health and Growth: Giving importance to emotional awareness, healthy relationships, and personal growth. Living holistically often involves developing empathy, self-understanding, and skills to manage stress or negative emotions.

Alignment of Values and Actions: Making choices that reflect one’s true values and purpose, rather than just doing what’s expected or what others want. People who live holistically often seek meaningful work and relationships that are aligned with their beliefs.

Connection with Nature: Feeling a sense of unity with the natural world, which can bring calmness, joy, and perspective. Holistic living often includes practices like spending time outdoors, eating whole foods, and living sustainably.

Spiritual Exploration: Some pursue a spiritual connection—whether religious, spiritual, or philosophical—to find inner peace and a sense of purpose beyond daily life.

In short, living life holistically means aiming for an integrated, mindful approach that fosters well-being across all dimensions of life."

It’s good to see you Desoxyn

Sorry you’re having negative effects from the THC. I use it but I just have to be very mindful and careful with how I use it. I have to be in the right headspace when I use it. I also only take like one hit , 2 max from my vape and only usually on weekends. I’m very, very strict about it. If I know I’m not in the right headspace, even slightly, I don’t use it. It’s like if I’m in the wrong headspace mentally it makes it not go great and makes my anxiety worse. But if I’m in the right headspace it goes very well and can be helpful. It’s definitely not something I do all day everyday. And it has to be indica. I can’t do sativa, ever. Even hybrids can aggravate my anxiety some. I think the reason it caused me so many problems when I first started using it several months back was because I was using hybrids and also because I was overdoing it because I was really stressed from working retail. And the edibles just no. I can’t do them, they are not something I’ll ever mess with again most likely. I find vapings effects to be a lot more predictable and worse that happens is it doesn’t go well but the most it will last is 1-2 hours unlike 7 plus hours of never ending nightmare like the edibles can cause.

My psychiatrist got on me today about the THC. He reminded me of what happened last time I was vaping and taking edibles in the spring when I ended up severely manic and psychotic and reiterated a billion times today during our visit how bad it is especially for someone like me with bipolar and that he doesn’t want to see me end up inpatient in the hospital especially over the holidays. So he told me to stop and also wouldn’t sign my payee paperwork today for me to become my own payee. He said he’d sign it next month only if I quit weed.

Sucks but he’s right. So I guess I’m permanently giving it up.

Had a good therapy appointment. We talked about radical acceptance and also ironic rebound. Ironic rebound is when you’re having thoughts/feelings that you try to ignore or block out, they come back stronger. There’s studies on that. Anyway, so I’m gonna be working on radical acceptance and also exposing myself to things that make me paranoid. Like one of the situations I can’t stand is sitting in silence cause then I start getting paranoid about noises and about my meds poisoning me etc and my thoughts spiral so I’m constantly blocking out the world with my headphones and distractions. So I’m gonna have to work on exposing myself to small doses of silence over time kind of like exposure therapy till it gets easier.

We talked about the THC vaping use. She was telling me about how scary things are on the drug scene now due to fentanyl being cut in with so many things and another thing also that’s out there being put in stuff that’s dangerous. . And just the general risk of having a psychotic episode from weed since I have schizoaffective disorder.

So I’m gonna stop vaping THC and get my payee paperwork signed by my psychiatrist next month to become my own payee. He told me to stop using THC and if I did he’d sign them next month at our appointment

Got a few things to look forward to this week. Tomorrow I’m getting my flu and Covid vaccines finally so getting that taken care of. I meant to do it last week but I wasn’t feeling good. Wednesday I’m going to a nutrition class with a nutritionist here. She comes and cooks a healthy meal for everyone to try and we discuss nutrition and eating habits. Thursday I’m going to a wreath making event and Friday is the thanksgiving potluck. These are all events in my buildings community room.

So I’m getting excited about all that. Plus Wednesday I’m going to the food pantry.

I’ve been getting into art more and trying to be less terrible towards myself about the quality of my art. So I’m trying to stop hating myself for my stuff being not great. I watch a guy on YouTube his channel is called Sketchbook Skool, he has a lot of really good insightful stuff about what art really is and how to get over your perfectionism and fear of starting and to just enjoy the process of it and that anybody can be creative and it’s meant to be enjoyed.

I have a violin lesson on Saturday. After that I’m probably taking a break from violin lessons until January because I need to buy Christmas gifts.

I’m really getting frustrated with violin right now. I can’t seem to get myself to practice consistently and it’s severely stalling my progress. I love playing I just procrastinate too much. And I hate how I play when I do play and record videos. Same with art. I hate most of my art. I feel like all I do sucks and that I’m not getting anywhere with it all. Idk if it’s pointless or what

Hey all! I'm in the psych ward. Lol.

They flew me here on a medical plane.

I was chronically smoking too much THC, and using other things.

I'm better now - I went through withdrawal last Friday, and was hyper ventilating, crying uncontrollably (For hours), felt hot, sweaty, with chills... Suicidal thoughts, headache, mental pain, etc...

I read a text from my mom triggering me, and I pushed my bedside table across the room...

The nurses let me sit in the lunch room, beside a steel door - I put my back towards it, and meditated... Crying really hard .. Feeling the cold from the outside.

They took away the stimulant (100mg of dextroamphetamine a day) cold turkey...

All of my drugs at home are flushed (Cuz my sister and mom were concerned before I went), it was just a matter of time...

I'm doing better now - Doing therapy and exercise again etc.. I plan to not use drugs when I get out - I don't crave anything.. But I really should become a neuropsychopharmacologist or some form of that, pharmacy etc....

The therapy is really good for me. I've been really confused and can't distinguish between anything from anything... I'll be fine..

1M died from the Ukraine war - It bothers me.. But we're infinite fractal prism crystals, and we will all die one day... For now we live, as awareness of eternity - Never the same, with love.... And towards freedom - No matter what part of the simulation we are currently situated in... And if asleep, hope for miracle to wake up, and go to enlightened heavens, where we belong... But to enjoy the now, as it's all we have. And be ourselves, authentically - Instead of running away from the self, through various distractions - To be mindful.. Present. To surrender, allow, do the next right thing.... Find meaning, soul purpose...

But if we're too tired, we're too tired.. Agony is being pushed when too tired (IMO) - You get up and try again - It's the laws of physics.. You build tolerance to pain... And then you can do great things (In comparison to souls that are tempted by evil).

I’m glad you’re okay @Desoxyn. It’s good you’re stopping any drugs. Substances of any kind are bad for mental health disorders.

I stopped THC last week. Every time I vaped it’d throw me into psychosis sometimes for weeks at a time. Not worth it. My psychiatrist gave me a lecture on THC being really bad for schizoaffective/bipolar especially for triggering psychosis. So I finally got scared enough to stop it

Got my Covid and flu vaccines

Noooo... Pls don't get any more of those - Ok?

And yes I will stop THC definitely. It's sooo bad for my psychosis. CBN shatter wasn't bad though - But I had to wait 5 years for that to age.

I went to the food pantry today and got some food. Really tired and achy from the vaccinations so am taking it easy today.

Happy Thanksgiving! It’s snowing outside. I woke up to everything covered in snow out there and tons of big flakes coming down fast. It’s beautiful and a perfect way to start the holiday season

Hey! I'm doing better in the psych ward =]

I sent the head nurse an email containing what I wrote and want to say to the psychiatrist (About the ADHD medication) - I'll see what he says.

I was supposed to leave on Sunday, but my mom can't get off work - So it'll be in 2 weeks instead.. I might have to stay here for another 2 weeks... But I could take a bus home, I don't mind that.. It would take like 10 hours I bet.

Christ I'm getting bored. I don't want to be in a mental hospital during WW3..

I got my niece a music theory for bass players book for Christmas. And I got my sister an astrology book for her gift. And got them some Lindt chocolate truffles each too. I also am gonna give them each half an egg custard pie I’m baking homemade and that’ll be their gifts. Possibly some homemade chocolate chip pumpkin bread too.

I kind of splurged on Cyber Monday/Black Friday ebook sales and got a lot of books I’ve been wanting on my kindle.

I have a volunteer shift tomorrow with the rescue kitties.

Doing well

I got my cat a laser pointer toy and an another toy too. One of those wand things

I got a roasting pan on sale for Black Friday/cyber Monday. I needed one (didn’t have one) so I can cook my turkey for Christmas. It was on sale for $14 down from $20. So that worked out well.

These look so fun!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I think she’ll like them! She’s a super active and playful cat

So yesterday a couple months after I broke up with my bf he told me he cheated once while we were dating.

I told you all awhile back I thought something was up with him. And I was right. I’m not stupid.

That’s terrible

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I'm back into the wild and free psych ward (Society)

I can't read books without Dexedrine.. When I'm on it, my brain fog is gone. I see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks.

I made an appointment with my GP to help get me off of the clonidine. I won't take any more atenolol, cuz my physical anxiety/heart seems pretty fine - I've been on 25mg 2x a day (Instead of 50mg 2x a day) - It would be awesome if I can get off of atenolol..

I'm going to have to be honest and let my outpatient psychiatrist know exactly what happened.. A horror show.. Then I just want to take a low dose of Dexedrine (Cuz the Vyvanse felt like a placebo - And just overstimulated me).

The hospital psychiatrist said that "A stimulant isn't in your best interest".. Well I've been on a stimulant for over 10 years.. It really helps, and doesn't cause psychosis for me.. It helps with negative symptoms.

My mom wants me to not use the MacBook Pro in the morning or the evening - So I'll do that, and just do other things instead - Like reading books, meditating, going for walks, exercising, doing something creative.. Idk..

I plan to go hang out with people in the community here again...

I have an appointment for therapy on Thursday (For addictions and mental health) - So that'll be interesting.. I am not a normal addict though.. I don't crave opioids, stimulants, ketamine, nicotine, alcohol, weed.. I'm interested in psychedelics - But I can go without them for a long time...

Everything is okay IMO.. I am secure in my own reality... I want to push myself to do something meaningful.. Just chill RN though.

I'm going skiing for my mom's 60th birthday tomorrow - Bought a ski pass for 1135 dollars.. Ouch... So I better make use of it. I also set up the treadmill that I bought (I can put it under my bed when I'm not using it) - It's pretty awesome.

Got a new controller for my xbox. The one that originally came with my xbox one broke after like 6 years of use.

Loving playing the Life is Strange series

I woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. Then I was on the phone with my friend (my ex) for an hour this morning cause he called.

Feeling pretty good, found some new music I'm listening to obsessively on repeat that I'm enjoying a lot.

My cat's laser pointer toy comes today. I can't wait to try it out with her, she is going to go berserk

I feel kind of manic today. Very scattered mentally , hardly slept last night. Impulsive etc