Concerns of my life, need advice/evaluation from others

I would like to explore my life's history with other people in order to help me clarify the status of people in my life, to act as objective 3rd party anchors.

I am going to be as honest as I can with my history and try to be fair with evaluations of others, as long as I can respect my own privacy.

One concern I have is with my family, specifically my mother and father, who I still live with, whom I am suspecting are either sociopaths and/or psychopathic abusers.

I have other problems, one which I might refer to as 'neurological paralysis' or 'neurological sedation', which keeps my mind in a lowered cognitive place in terms of awareness and perception (in a oscillating manner), which is why I need the objective 3rd party anchors to help me. With this I will explain what I think I know and what I have experienced, and it would be appreciated to receive any medical advice or advice relating to the USA medical system, in terms of navigation and receiving care for neurological diseases.

I have been isolated my entire life, without even one relationship or friend, although some of that was voluntary self-isolation.

For reference I have used another psych forum site in the past, and some of the information I share here may overlap with that. I also have strong political opinions or interests which I may share if it helps other people understand me, although I do not care about political discussion, or what could be deemed as such, and if anything I post is against the site rules, then just let me know, so I can take an appropriate action.

I will try to break things down and make them readable for the layman viewer, although don't hold me to account on that. I want positive discussion on advice and what actions I need to take in order to recover from the current situation I find myself in. And I would like input on my takes on schizophrenia in terms of alternate view points, and whether my diagnosis was correct in terms of disease or 'syndrome', as opposed to a clear diagnosis with a clear pathway to better health.

I am going to rehash some of my main concerns in upcoming posts, and I will try to answer questions as I can. I will also post some ideas I have from my personal notes, to receive feedback and receive some critical analysis on my perception and culminated ideas.

The more objective lighthouses I have, the greater my chance to a safe port, rather than a rough time on the rocks. I get angry/emotional with some of these events of my life, but I do not want to justify anything through my emotions, but rather than find a safe path back to shore.

Also, I think it would be a good idea for me to have a MRI or fMRI done on my head, and would like advice on how to receive that from the hospital system or even private venues, as I know a lot of the medical industry is currently in the process of self-cannibalization, which is one hazard I wish to avoid. And once I had a scan done, where to go from there.

Although I greatly desire to be of help to you in this well-thought out project for your mental health, I feel totally unqualified to be a lighthouse or anchor, so to speak. First, I have no first hand experience with schizophrenia. And second I have a pathetic understanding of it from my readings.

Although nothing is perfect, I would think that a consultation with one or more psychiatrists and/or psychotherapists would be your best path forward. Perhaps you have had bad experiences in these approaches. I don't know.

Your health, I feel, is too important to be left to amateurs, even well-meaning and well-informed amateurs.

I hope others here will offer things which will be more helpful to you in your great quest which I can't help but admire.

@Yaowen

IMO we are all unqualified, especially the doctors. Ex: If you want to buy a car, should you start out by talking to a con artist? Or a lifelong mechanic? I know I would rather have the latter, but life isn't perfect.
I'd figure I would put this somewhere relevant, and away from the bot farms, where hopefully some tiny sliver of helpful sunlight could reach through the noise.
The other forum I was on was very immature. so I moved myself over here, and wanted to start with a timeline of my life's experiences and my current understanding of my problems.

I doubt I will receive any helpful input, but that is okay in terms of medical means and professional care. What I was hoping was for a rational input/anchor to help me understand my life's experience, as a 3rd party.
A lot of **** happened and I would like to know why it happened, what I could or should have (optimally, with full knowledge) done, and most importantly what things could be like on a uphill trend.

I recently figured out how demoralizing it is to endure living in a hellhole as a normalization of life, because I forget or am ignorant of how much better my life could be, even to be helpful to society, in sane, benevolent circumstances.

Who knows, maybe my experiences will help other people who have something similar going on. (Well at least before the internet is extinguished.)

--Neurological problems:

I know this is going to get very weird, very quickly for a lot of people, but bear with me, this is connected to my life in terms of important events, and this can be used as my future reference point to people, to explain what I mean by 'neurological problems'.

Research paper on (VGP) voluntary generated piloerection, also known as 'voluntary goosebumps'. (There were only ~4 such papers done in (western) science over a long period of time, this one I found via one of the co-authors, James Heather.)
- No URL posting yet. So here is the citation of said article:
Heathers, James & Fayn, Kirill & Silvia, Paul & Tiliopoulos, Niko & Goodwin, Matthew. (2018). The voluntary control of piloerection. PeerJ. 6. e5292. 10.7717/peerj.5292.

Abstract from paper:
"Autonomic nervous systems in the human body are named for their operation outside of conscious control. One rare exception is voluntarily generated piloerection (VGP)—the conscious ability to induce goosebumps—whose physiological study, to our knowledge,is confined to three single-individual case studies. Very little is known about the physiological nature and emotional correlates of this ability. The current manuscript assesses physiological, emotional, and personality phenomena associated with VGP in a sample of thirty-two individuals. Physiological descriptions obtained from the sample are consistent with previous reports, including stereotypical patterns of sensation and action. Most participants also reported that their VGP accompanies psychological states associated with affective states (e.g., awe) and experience (e.g., listening to music), and higher than typical openness to new experiences. These preliminary findings suggest that this rare and unusual physiological ability interacts with emotional and personality factors, and thus merits further study."

That paper is an exploratory study into a basic validation of the phenomenon, and a lager sample size study of a relatively rare philological trait which not everyone has (and most people have to develop or train it). I know other studies have been done after this paper submitted in mid-2018, in both eastern and western studies, which I have not kept up with over time. (Perhaps I will go back and try to find any new research into VGP, or what has been discovered about it in recent times.)

- This phenomenon is also know as frisson, voluntary goosebumps, or as something else under spiritual practices (EX: 'Kundalini syndrome')

- My experience with it specifically:
This is a ability to create a cold/electric sensation through any part of my body, which always starts from the back of my neck, using a muscle in the back of my neck to initiate the sensation. It started at the peripheries (to my hands and arms specifically) and then I 'trained' it over a short time period, and now I can use it to create and sustain the sensation to where I can create the sensation like a ball of cold/electricity, so I can now control it to a higher degree, for Example: I can move the sensation side to side within my own chest area, which feels like a ball of cold electricity.


So now when I use the abbreviation of VGP, people will know WTH I am talking about. This should be post#4 when I am done writing this.
If people have further questions, then great I would like to know more as well, and will answer what I know, or from my own experience.

You do NOT need medical or scientific background to understand medicine, if a shaman hiding under a rock in a the Sahara desert in Africa can understand medicine, than so can you.
I will try to dumb it down and/or make it understandable after the following disclaimer:

But, If people are like: ..'What is VGP? -> What is Voluntary Generated Piloerection? -> What time is it? -> Can you lend me money?' , OR 'This is too/2/to complicated.' , OR 'WT*, a research paper... who actually reads those!'..
Then please, by all means use your head as a battering ram for the monitor sitting in front of you, and repeatedly spam the ESC key like a aggressive, undead zombie. (I am not sorry, it had to be said.)

Simple version:
- Goosebumps also known as -piloerection-, the spots you get on your skin when in cold weather or from emotional arousal. They happen to most people automatically when placed under the correct stimulus, similar to the pupils widening or contacting at different (light) luminosity levels. This process is usually controlled by the ANS, or 'automatic nervous system'.
- VGP, Voluntary (meaning conscious choice or action), Generated (creating or stimulating action), Piloerection, commonly known as goosebumps. It creates a cold and/or electric sensation in people going throughout their body over a limited period of time, by conscious choice or action.
- VGP is a rare, most likely physiological phenomenon, that occurs only in a percentage of the population, with estimates going from 1/1500 to 1/4000 or even higher rarity, know these are guesstimations or pure guesses, as this has never been fully studied in modern western science.
- In my case, and in the cases of others, The VGP starts using a muscle at the back of the neck, and then radiates either downwards to the rest of the body, or upwards into the head. It seems to start as a weak sensation that can be trained or practiced, to build intensity over time.
- VGP can be influenced by, or perhaps have influence over, the emotional state. People often cite listening to music as a means of activating the stimulus of goosebumps, or piloerection.

Now you may be wondering: what does this have to do with Schizophrenia?
-Schizophrenia is a syndrome, meaning a diagnosis by a set of symptoms. Schizophrenia is not a clearly definable disease, often thought to be a neurological disease. Schizophrenia is often characterized by unstable paranoias, delusions, auditory or visual hallucinations, catatonia (lack of movement or expression), or an abnormal train of thought.
-In my life experience the VGP and my diagnosis of Schizophrenia overlap, which will be explained later. Both the VGP and the schizophrenia diagnosis happened when I was around 14-15 years old.
-It is also worth mentioning that there is evidence of schizophrenia being a disease of metabolism (like diabetes and Alzheimer), and that it can be observed as abnormal activity of the brain, between the connection of the DMN and TPN sides of the brain. DMN, or default mode network, is the passive/unaware, subconscious side of the brain that requires little to no conscious input. TPN, or Task positive network, is the conscious, executive side of the brain, that must be aroused by conscious input or executive decision-making stimulus.

I will get to how this is interconnected, and how it has affected me in even more bizarre ways, in a future post.
Hopefully this should cover the bare basics of VGP (voluntary goosebumps), and of my other neurological related problems.

--Current situation

Living arrangements:
- Live with parents
- Isolated without any family support or external anchors
- No social connections now, or in the past
- Farm/Country house in an isolated neighborhood
- Hostile environment, Florida- so Humidity, Heat and Blood sucking insects

Financially I am broke, and running on the fumes of SS by disability. I think the economy is going to collapse soon, either by housing bubble (and/or inflation) or by societal displacement (foreign invasion of migrants, or resource driven agenda/centrally controlled communism). Honestly I do not have any hopes other than to ride out the storm where I am, unless I can find people who are already on higher ground.. (aka. Not struggling themselves, or prioritizing their own family first, which is what they should do) ..who are then willing to sponsor me or guide me to a different situation.

I would rather not live here, but I need to know what my other options really are before I jump ship to deeper waters.

I think there is a chance for my mind to recover from the sedation if I stay away from stress/dopamine based stimulus. And if I know I am stable enough, than I can handle a job.

I have recovered from the sedation for very short periods, but I have never sustained it long enough to break the sedation entirely. Only recently I feel confident that I have figured most of my problems out. But I will know something by its results, so implementation is key to having proof of stability.

Main concerns:
- Recovering my mind from the sedation, if possible
- Finding social connections from people I can communicate with, to then understand my options and have my own questions answered, -coherently-
- Finding a new place to live, and understanding where I want to live, by dryer, colder climates. Hopefully a culture of sanity, like Iceland or possibly Paraguay? Or just another state which can define it boundaries and preserve its culture (humane/human oriented, reinvestment based, raise children to have initiative, building up, not tearing down, etc..)
- Avoiding the economic scams: Real estate bubble, property tax hikes, Loans on collection by shady 'ownership' contracts (Banks could 'legally' steal your house in a defaulting economy), unnecessary expensive items (like useless technology, which is most of it), Rentier frontier: $2000+ per month to live in a Chinese coffin, etc..
- Food security for kinetic warfare, collapsing society, economic displacement, or.. just for my daily peaceful meal (hopium is copium, hope to cope)
- Rebuilding my body/exercise/health, (I feel a lot better when the sedation is less or wearing off). I know I would need consistency to be successful, so point #1 is a prerequisite
- Not getting murdered while walking down the street. Odd how that is no longer just a schizophrenic paranoia nowadays, everyone should be cautious and wary by the way this society is going, presently. So practically, that means learning self defense and situational awareness, and profiling, because that saves lives
- Re-engage with society when I know it is a positive development, not a forced outcome by circumstance

Long term: provide family support (for a future woman/children, not parents) and raise farm animals. But I still have a lot to learn before then, and a lot of work to do on myself.

So.. that might be dark for some people, but right now I feel positive about the future.

As long as I am alive, than I will leave tracks on the path, so might as well control where my trail leads. After all, this was about 12 years of painful sedation for me, I doubt anything society could do by cannibalism could possibly be worse. I might be wrong, it could be worse, but that is where the male force of viking violence comes back into play:
- Steel Helmet + Axe + Hallucinogenic mushrooms = Viking violence.
I might not survive, but it sure will be fun

I can try to go from where I left off when I was 15 years old, just with higher maturity, different goals, and a great amount of (painfully) accumulated knowledge.

There is probably some irony here, while I am coming out of the frying pan, society is going into the fire. I will not enjoy seeing worse circumstances for other people, but I must admit I think there are some people out there who really have some bad karma on their plate. If you cannot wash it with water, then wash it with fire. The world keeps on spinning, while their psychopathic egotism is left to die in the dust.