[SometimesIwonder]

I suppose I'll start off by describing myself a small bit. I am 19 years old, male, and frankly at this point I'm scared.

Since the age of 12 I've been experimenting with one drug or another. It wasn't until recently that I realized the reason why I did it. I truly took a look at myself and came to the understanding that the true reason behind my substance abuse is that the only time I'm truly happy is when I can't think.

In the last month or so I've been experiencing extreme depression, mood swings, paranoia to the point that I stopped speaking to my close friends because, for lack of a better way of putting it, I thought they were out to get me. I'm not really sure how to describe the feeling, but it felt as though everyone I talked to was in on some big joke, and I was the joke. In the last two weeks I've been absolutely sure that the people I'm around can hear my thoughts. I feel as though I know what's going to happen before it happens, or as though I know what someone is going to say before they say it. I can't get the thought out of my head that the "reality" I'm living in is just my perception, and that I can change what people are going to do by thinking about it. I have periods where I've been told I'm walking and talking, and I don't remember any of it.

Ever since I was a kid I've had full on conversations with people in my head. Not imaginary people or just anonymous voices, but rather people I know and interact with on a daily basis. I suppose the best way to describe it would be to say that I rehearse what I'm going to say to someone long before I say it, and then I guess I just imagine what I think they are going to say. These conversations can go on for minutes at a time, with me simply zoning out and talking to them.

Today at work (I'm a cashier at a retail chain) a man told me his father had passed away, and I laughed. Afterwards I asked myself why i just laughed, and I couldn't come up with an answer.

That was sort of the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. When I got home tonight I went online and did a little research and to be honest the answers I found just made me more confused and worried than I was before.

I'm not really sure how to go about asking these questions, so I'm just going to go ahead and ask them.

Am I crazy?

Is it possible to be crazy and know you are?

At this point I don't know what to do, and I'm starting to get scared that I'm going to do something without even realizing I'm doing it.

I'm honestly at a loss, should I go get help or something? I don't want to live the rest of my life eating pills for breakfast just so I can go through the day without thinking someone's trying to manipulate me or something. I'm not entirely sure how to finish that last sentence.

Somebody please give me an answer of some kind.

[SometimesIwonder]

Some things I forgot to include; My lack of motivation for doing truly anything. Even things that I enjoy doing I have to almost force myself to do. Things I don't enjoy doing are like pulling teeth. I kick my feet the whole way and afterwards I just feel mentally and emotionally drained, no matter what the activity.

Emotionally speaking everyday is like a roller coaster. Simple things that I know I should be shrugging off can put me into a state of depression that can take days to get out of.

I suppose I forgot this last part on purpose. There have been times, recently more so than ever before, where I have honestly contemplated suicide. I've never done anything to harm myself, and I don't truly think I ever will, but somehow just thinking about not having to go through life like this makes me feel better. I'm not going to go jump off a building or anything, It's just the thought that somehow comforts me.

I know it's not normal, and I know I shouldn't be thinking these things, but I don't know what else to think and I'm tired of being sad.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Hello SometimesIwonder:
I hope you won't be dismayed that there wasn't a prompt response. Sometimes this discussion can be a bit slow and there's a lot to digest in your post. I've been thinking about it for a few days now and I'm still not sure if I can offer you anything helpful, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I'm going to start here...

When I got home tonight I went online and did a little research and to be honest the answers I found just made me more confused and worried than I was before.

I'm assuming that you were researching the symptoms of schizophrenia/psychosis from a site similar to this one: Diagnostic Criteria and the symptoms you possess that alarm you are as follows:<blockquote>- I've been experimenting with one drug or another
- extreme depression, mood swings, paranoia
- I've been absolutely sure that the people I'm around can hear my thoughts
- I feel as though I know what's going to happen before it happens
- I can't get the thought out of my head that the "reality" I'm living in is just my perception, and that I can change what people are going to do by thinking about it
- I've had full on conversations with people in my head
- a man told me his father had passed away, and I laughed
- My lack of motivation for doing truly anything
- Emotionally speaking everyday is like a roller coaster
- I have honestly contemplated suicide
- I'm tired of being sad</blockquote>Before I say anything further I want to emphasize that none of us here are doctors and even if we were, a diagnosis made over the internet is worthy of skepticism.

That said, if we were to compare your list of identified problems with the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia or psychosis, we're going to find some common ground. If I was inclined to alarm, I might want to say, "Geez, you'd better go see a psychiatrist, pronto!" but I don't feel comfortable saying that and here's why:<blockquote>#1: You're very much aware of what your problems are and generally speaking, people who undergo psychotic episodes don't have that awareness (or "insight") at that time. The concern I have is that you're worried that you have "this diagnosis" and it's your worry that is motivating you to find common ground between what's happening in your life and that list of diagnostic criteria.

#2: The list of problems you present is just that -- a list. It doesn't provide any context against which to evaluate your symptoms. For example, you state: I can't get the thought out of my head that the "reality" I'm living in is just my perception, and that I can change what people are going to do by thinking about it. If you've ever heard about the power of positive thinking, you'll know that a great deal of reality is based on our perception of reality and often, if we change our perception of reality, the people around us change as well. Thinking about how you perceive reality is not, in itself, the equivalent of "psychosis" or "craziness" -- some of the most brilliant minds in the world have pondered that very question -- but it might be relevant depending upon the context.

#3: You noted that you've experimented with a lot of drugs but you didn't specify if those were recreational drugs or prescription drugs. There is an established link between recreational drugs, such as marijuana or LSD ,with altered states of consciousness and to a certain extent that's exactly what psychosis is -- an altered state of consciousness. Some prescription drugs also have an established history of producing altered states of consciousness -- what we might call psychosis in this culture. It might be useful if you could define the types of drugs you have experimented with.</blockquote>You also note that you're 19 years of age and this tells me you're transitioning to true adulthood. You have a job and you have friends so this tells me that you're capable of taking on personal responsibility for your self and capable of forming meaningful relationships. It's equally apparent you're troubled, you're worried, you're concerned.

Overall, my initial impression of you as based on your posts above is that you're sad and you're worried. This tells me that something in your life is not working out the way you feel it should be. I think the critical question to ask at this point is not, Are you psychotic? but rather, What in your life is not working out the way you thought it would, and thus, causing you concern? Perhaps that would add the context that might help explain the "symptoms" of the problem you're currently going through.

I hope you'll return and let us know what else is happening in your life. Meantime, I'll also offer you this as a just-in-case measure: If you're thinking about suicide, read this first..

Best.