[blueunder]

I have been in and out of psych wards more than fifteen times. Suppose I've had depression since I was 11 years old. But I don't think depression is right as a diagnosis for me. I think people just find it easier to throw someone like me away and not waste time trying to treat me. I believe I have schizophrenia of some sort. I'm often suicidal and homicidal, I know people would rather make like difficult for me than to get along with me. I am not what people want me to be and if I tried being that, it would be fake. Sorry I can't describe it any better than this but this is the way I talk, and so I imagine it's why people just don't get me, or either they steer clear of me. I'll not have any friends here...not anywhere. So I get it if no one gives this much attention. I just have to vent because I am human...at least I thought so. But just about everyone in my life has at one time or other treated me like I'm not much a human.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
blueunder: I believe I have schizophrenia of some sort. I'm often suicidal and homicidal, I know people would rather make like difficult for me than to get along with me. I am not what people want me to be and if I tried being that, it would be fake.

Hello blueunder:
I don't know what your experience of this place will be either. I can appreciate that you don't feel heard, valued or understood. I don't know if any of us who participate here can help with that either. Maybe. Maybe not.

Nonetheless, you are here in the schizophrenia and psychosis topic so we might as well talk about that for a bit. You note that you believe you have a form of schizophrenia. Would you be able to elaborate more on why you believe so?

I just have to vent because I am human...at least I thought so. But just about everyone in my life has at one time or other treated me like I'm not much a human.

It's just as well then, that you're still able to recognize your own humanity in spite of the perceptions of others.

[Rose3]

maybe depression isn't the right diagnosis for you.
I wonder why someone used that as a diagnosis?

If you think that schizophrenia is would be what you are
experiencing - have you done much reading about
schizophrenia? I am wondering what your reasons are
for thinking that you are schizophrenic?

If you're often suicidal and homicidal (as you just mentioned in your post) - maybe it would be helpful to think about your reasons.
You don't have to be suicidal.
You don't have to be homicidal.
Maybe there's something troubling you?

[AboveAllOthers]

I'm believed to have schizophrenia (probably undifferentiated), so if you were thought to have depression, it may be quite noticable and different. Why do you think you have schizophrenia? In any case, don't self-diagnose.

[blueunder]

Hi all...
Thank you for responding. I don't understand most things about my own illness. All I know is I'm extremely uncomfortable around people and rarely do I have a good time other than when I'm alone. Sometimes this seems to hurt, but then against sometimes it doesn't. I feel like I'm better off not making friends because it will sooner or later result in my losing interest and going back to withdrawing from the relationship. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I've never been very likable, and I wonder if there's anyone here who might have experienced anything similar to what I have. I can't seem to find anyone at all like me. It's frustrating. At one point I even thought I was autistic because of my lack of social skills. It's tough being this far along in life and not yet finding my niche.

[pachyderm]

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blueunder said:
What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I've never been very likable, and I wonder if there's anyone here who might have experienced anything similar to what I have. I can't seem to find anyone at all like me.

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I think quite a few of us have had this kind of problem in our lives. Stick around and read posts here and on other forums. I think you may find a bunch of us who understand what it is like!

Dont think you are alone in this, there are many of people similar to you. Everyone is different and a lot of people dont have very good social skills. I deal with problems like that a lot too, especially in the past. Just dont let it get to you and be yourself and try to get rid of your worries and stress and everything will make more sense. When your in a bad mindstate, especially people dealing with depression and other mental illnesses, its hard to even imagine what its like to feel good. But just remember that everything will get better one day if you just keep trying, who knows it might be a lot sooner than you thought. In the end everything will be good.

I was dealing with a ton of problems myself (Depression, severe anxiety, panic attacks, episodes of psychosis), and I could never even imagine or remember how it felt to feel good. I am already feeling a lot better and worry and stress out a lot less now, so things can get better and it doesnt always take a long time. Right now I can say Im feeling great compared to when I was dealing with a lot of problems.

[blueunder]

Today is another nothing day.
The one problem is, I have never been well enough for my family (the few of them left).
My daughter noticed something about my phone not too long ago. She said that I have mostly business contacts in my phone. Otherwise, I have two friends who I never see and don't speak to, and about three or four family members who never speak to me unless I call them, and when I do call, it's not really that much. I mean, I don't make a connection with these people who are supposed to be family. Too bad my kids are hurting in this, because my family ignores me, and they pretty much ignore my kids too. It's almost like we're not really part of these people. My own parents are dead, and the only sibling I have, I don't talk to/doesn't talk to me. (Actually with this individual, it's better that way). So everyday of my life is spent alone or doing things I need to do to keep keep a roof over my kids heads. It's not hurting me so much because I am a loner, but my kids, especially my daughter wonders why she has no family to be around like all of her friends have.

There's also my physical issues. It's not possible for me to go and do things like most people, and then when I am around people, there's a lack of communication. I'm pretty sure when in a conversation, I leave people feeling empty. I guess it's because I'm more of listener than a talker. One reason I don't talk much is because I don't have much to share with the average person, (unless a therapist or case manager) . When people talk about their families..well, I don't really have any. When they talk about their accomplishments, I don't have any. When they talk about their past...that I do have, but most people don't want to listen to people talk about a dysfunctional childhood, and now a dysfunctional adulthood. These days, people seem to be too busy pretending everything's so good "no problems..on top of the world... money money...blah blah" ...at least they do with me. So the people I'm left talking to are doctors and counselors, but now for some reason, they won't even return my calls.

[Rose3]

Do you have any interests?
Are there any activities that you like, or would like to try?