Confused/Scared

Hello.
I have never been diagnosed with a mental illness, although I know I have had depression since I was around 14...pts before that- and in more recent years bipolar mania-extreme ups and downs. But the past month I have been sober (I'm scared of drugs now-even alcohol) because I have had the feeling of bieng followed around by a psychic-witch-sorcerer type medium of some sort-because I have had distorted thinking that was never present until about 3 weeks ago when I heard people talking horrible lies about me at my moms when I was on drugs..and since then I havent been able to let go of the lies..Its like I'm defending myself in my brain..because I feel like I'm having telepathic dialogue. This never happened before I did this drug for the fourth binge since july. (embarrasing) It was a drug I am very unfamiliar with and definitely want NOTHING to do with ever again-although I wasnt a long term user it left very negative effects on my brain. I dont know if I'm schitzophrenic or I really am bieng watched and listed to/telepathically recieving because I was reading a book about developing my natural intuition before this drug binge, and then deciding to give my life to Christ again. I think a combination led evil to attack me fiercly because of my strong spirit and desire for the Lord and walking in his way the rest of my life.
But everywhere I go people are repeating things I've said in the privacy of my moms apartment, church, and are saying things about my past and in e-mails where I dont see how they would know. This is happening EVERYWHERE I go school (college student), church..everywhere I go I feel like my mind is bieng controlled, read, and worse off-I dont feel as if it's my Mind. I know its not...I havent had my true mind for a month and I'm losing sleep and am just very very scared.
I had a testimony from God at this new church I"ve been to a few times. I was truly saved and slain in the spirit, as they call it. The Lord knowing and telling me the truth at that time is the only thing keeping me going-because the devil is lying to others and trying to lie to me. I know this is a spiritual battle and that God will strengthen me but Everytime I feel at peace for a moment I hear a voice or conversation (outside my head) that reminds me of the lies that were said and so continues the defending myself in my brain. As you can see I'm very confused and scared-NOT MYSELF!!

Anyone else know the feeling?

Thanks for posting. I hope this message finds you feeling a little better today.

I know you didn't ask for answers but I want to say that without knowing your history, I don't think anyone here can even begin to make any sort of judgment call about what's going on so I won't even try to say anything other than the following...

I feel really strongly that you need to see a clinician for an evaluation. I'd recommend a specialist such as a psychiatrist or psychologist or clinical social worker but any MD will do as well if that's all you can access.

You mention you've never had a diagnosis and so I'll briefly explain what the assessment will be like for you. You will need to fill out a lot of paperwork so bring someone with you if you aren't able to focus on tasks to completion. You will be asked a lot of questions; probably before you even get to tell your story. You might get to tell your story the first session or you might have to wait until a follow-up appointment. The clinician will make recommendations for treatment or referral to another provider if they aren't able to serve your needs. They could determine that things with you are normal and you need no further treatment.

You use a lot of jargon in your post like mania, bipolar, and depression. I caution you against labeling yourself... we often misinterpret our own symptoms because we can't see the whole picture and it can limit healing because if we only focus on the things we see, we might push aside other concerns in favor of those easy-labels. The clinician will need to see the whole side of you so just describe your symptoms without the names you've given them over the years.

Your language is a bit chaotic and I'd guess that has something to do with what you describe as having to defend yourself in your mind and the distorted thinking you describe in your post. I hope I understood you correctly and I also hope you find some peace through your evaluation. Please keep us posted.