Wondering about schizotypal personality disorder

I see this part of the forum isn't used much. Thank you very much for reading. I wondered if anyone with schizotypal personality disorder might relate to me, or if I'm off.

I think my thinking and mind itself is different than the large majority of people. Since I've become an adult, I've been researching for a long time what could possibly be different with me. I feel bitterness over the fact that my parents let me lie in my own problems without once questioning or trying to help with my difficulties with this, but I'll put that aside. I should note they were the kind of parents who didn't believe in getting "help."

I don't believe in self-diagnosing, but I'm taking a long time just trying to find a good therapist, and even then, what are the chances they will diagnose me correctly if I have a cognitive problem? If a therapist is trained with certain mental disorders, they may only see in me what they've be trained about. That's why I wanted to do my own researching.

Before, I wondered if I might have schizoid or narcissistic personality disorder, aspergers syndrome, or if it was codependency, since I have traits that relate to all those to some extent, but none of them seemed to "fit" me. Schizoid because I avoid people and don't enjoy spending time around them, and since I seem to act like I live in a world separate from people. Narcissistic because I'm constantly in my own thoughts, feel a strong need to be respected, and because I seem to have varying self-esteem. It's usually low, but in a few moments it's strangely high. Asperger's syndrome because I have difficulty interacting with people in that I don't know how best to act, and I generally don't get on well with others. Many don't like me much, and act like I'm strange. Codependency because I feel a need to be respected and loved by people, and try to earn it with kindness and selflessness, and can't decide for myself well and always want answers from other people. I have a hard time trusting my own thoughts.

Schizotypal personality disorder seems to be the personality disorder that best explains me and the difficulties I seem to be always having. I'll explain why. However, I don't fit the description perfectly.

My biggest difficulties in life I suppose is my inability to "connect" with other people. It's the main reasons why I feel something is "wrong" with me. I don't have any close friends, and even in the past I think I only experienced what it was to have a close friend maybe 2 times, for short periods of time. I longed so much to have a close friend, but I acted aloof and cold when someone became close to me. I became confused at to how I should act, and almost panicky. I worried they would begin to hate me at any moment during the growth of the friendship. Once I had a friendship, I became much less scared, but I still remained "closed off." I always wondered if it's because I experienced bullying both at home and at school growing up. However, as an adult I still feel the same way when someone approaches me for friendship. I don't know how to approach other people for friendship, or how to let my guard down. I don't know how to even be very friendly with other people, and I only become very friendly for a very few for some reason. I think I become very friendly to people who seem to have no inhibitions about being friendly with me, which likens the chances that they aren't the best kind of people. When they themselves are very friendly with no apparent guard, I feel so much safer. My mind is almost out of my grasp when it comes to forming friendships, but my guard stays strong. I only make friends with those who approach me first and continue to approach me.

People who like me usually understand that I'm "different." My friends were never like me, but different, who enjoyed our differences. I should note that I've never had many friends. Most people seem to not know how to deal with me, or even seem to dislike me immediately for reasons I'm unable to understand. I've questioned this many times, even on the forum here.

I think very often that everyone around hates me, or sometimes that they are out to get me. I don't feel vengeful or angry, but feel depressed when this happens.

I do think I suffer from some paranoia. For example: I never give out information that would give away too much about myself here, like the number of family members I have, or specific things I've done lately, or my job, because I worry someone from offline who knows me will find out what I've written here. I always wonder about people's motivations and spend time thinking about them. I think I'm a little to sure about people's motivations when I come up with my own answers for their behavior. I won't trust some people, no matter how kind they're acting, if I think they're reasons for being kind or trying to earn my trust are bad. At least I'm keeping safe that way.

I rarely feel anger.

I don't get angry when I'm used. I wondered if this is because I might have developed codependency issues after growing up in an abusive household. I think when I was a child, I did get angry when I was used. However, a point came where I was just happy someone found me useful, even if that person was a bad person.

I get angry when I feel someone is pretending to have issues to gain sympathy, however, but this doesn't happen often.

I'm a little gullible.

I talk overly formal for the life experiences and family I grew up with. I'm very "proper."

I dress "strangely." I notice this, and when I like something, for example a style of clothing, the people who learn what I like often disagree. People say I dress like an older woman or "old lady."

I don't have much magical thinking. I did throughout my life, especially childhood, in secret because I knew other people wouldn't believe me. I don't quite believe in the supernatural, but I very much enjoy thinking about it.

My parents have never taught me much about spirituality or religion, but on my own I was very religious as a child and felt "connections" with god and the soul, as embarrassing as it is to admit. I used to wonder if this was because my parents were almost never there for me, so I looked for "parents" in religion. I thought god was always watching my thoughts, so I felt I had to be good both on the outside and also inside. I would avoid any bad thoughts for this reason.

I kept myself very "clean" as far as doing anything bad went. I don't think I've ever done anything I thought was "bad" on purpose. I'm still the same way.

Sometimes I feel strange things about myself or body, especially when I was a teenager and a kid. Like, I'd like to imagine if I had extremely long arms or if my head didn't exist. Things like that.

I've had some auditory hallucinations, usually around bed time. I've learned this is normal, but I think they're more common for me than the average person. Sometimes I'll hear someone say my name, or a loud noise right next to my ear. I've heard very quiet music a few times that didn't originate from anyone living nearby, but not in a while. Maybe it was from someone far away.

I'm always in my own little world, and it's a given for me. The reason seems to be that I'm so disconnected with the people around me that I'm always outside of their world. I stay in my own world where I'm happier. However, I still follow the rules outside of my "world."

People say I'm kind, and I feel great empathy when someone's emotionally hurt. Thankfully, my empathy isn't as strong when someone's physically hurt, but there have been many times where I seemed to care more than most of the people around me, whether this was something wrong with my own perception or true.

I have a logical way of thinking. I think it developed when I went through some troubling abusive times in my life in which I wanted to deaden my emotions, but I think I always relied on logic to stop me from feeling too hurt.

People have called me robotic more than once. If I'm around people, unlike when I'm alone, my body feels harder to control because I'm constantly thinking about how people are watching and judging me.

I go through withdrawal periods into myself occasionally. I usually avoid people, but not to a large extant. I just know that I won't feel comfortable with other people, and I almost never do.

I actually enjoy humor greatly, since it releases some of my social anxiety, and it's one of the few ways I can feel close to other people without feeling uncomfortable. I make jokes fairly often.

I should note that I don't seem to have any trouble reading facial expressions or body language, and people say I'm very observant when it comes to other people. However, I usually don't believe what I read from the other people, since I think feelings are hard to read just from facial expressions and body language. Also, what I usually read in other people's actions are usually cynical and somewhat dark.

Phew, thanks for reading all of that! I didn't want to miss too many details. Does anyone out there with schizotypal personality disorder relate to what I say? Or do I sound different?