Schizotypal//Attachment//Suicidal Ideation

I was diagnosed with STPD a few months ago. I also have complex PTSD. For many years I just existed until one day I got very i intoxicated and remembered what it was like to be able to attach properly to people. I had completely forgotten until that moment, and remembering the feeling was wonderful and grand, but also painful because I realized it was something I had lost. Essentially, I have been spending my days in a low grade depression over the loss of my humanity. The irony is, in religions like Buddhism, the loss of attachment is considered a good thing. The bad thing about the loss of attachment is the loss of love. I can no longer receive love. I can't feel it. So I go into my head space and create scenarios where I am, where there is attachment and love and warmth and unconditional acceptance of my oddness and my beliefs. The biggest issue is that I get into states where I think "I want someone I love to kill me so maybe my death would be an act of love". It's becoming hard to live because of this feeling of my loss of humanity. It has warped my entire vision of reality. At times I do not mind the emotionally solitary existence I carry, but other times it's just unbearable. Does this make any sense? I almost feel like a different kind of being... The way I think and feel seem so different than most. I would love to hear from other people with STPD.