Schizotypal//Attachment//Suicidal Ideation

I was diagnosed with STPD a few months ago. I also have complex PTSD. For many years I just existed until one day I got very i intoxicated and remembered what it was like to be able to attach properly to people. I had completely forgotten until that moment, and remembering the feeling was wonderful and grand, but also painful because I realized it was something I had lost. Essentially, I have been spending my days in a low grade depression over the loss of my humanity. The irony is, in religions like Buddhism, the loss of attachment is considered a good thing. The bad thing about the loss of attachment is the loss of love. I can no longer receive love. I can't feel it. So I go into my head space and create scenarios where I am, where there is attachment and love and warmth and unconditional acceptance of my oddness and my beliefs. The biggest issue is that I get into states where I think "I want someone I love to kill me so maybe my death would be an act of love". It's becoming hard to live because of this feeling of my loss of humanity. It has warped my entire vision of reality. At times I do not mind the emotionally solitary existence I carry, but other times it's just unbearable. Does this make any sense? I almost feel like a different kind of being... The way I think and feel seem so different than most. I would love to hear from other people with STPD.

Hello Monetttt: I haven't been diagnosed with STPD. So I'm not the member you want to hear from. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

I was diagnosed with PDNOS 8 years ago. Also DDNOS, which is similar to complex PTSD. Although my personality disorder is not the same as schizotypal I can still relate to what you have written. The loss of humanity -- for me it's more the loss of my "self", the loss of feeling like a human being in a world of other human beings. And chronic low grade to serious depression.

I was treated for trauma and dissociation and that did help me recover some parts of my self, but getting that integrated into a functioning "human" personality has so far eluded me, although I am doing some better.

It's too bad these forums for non-BPD personality disorders seem so quiet. But they have been like this for most of the time I have been on PsychCentral. You might find the complex PTSD or Depression forums more active, and maybe there are things you can relate to there.

I was stpd a # of years ago along with schizophrenia. everyone is somewhat odd and it's good to hold onto your beliefs. Meeting people is difficult for me. I started drinking at a young age so I could socialize and ended up drinking alone towards the end of my drinking. It sounds like you want to closer to people. One of the traits of stpd is they enjoy being alone. I would rather be alone. I don't trust many people anymore, except for family and a few friends. Why do they think you are stpd? Me....I have almost all the things listed. You might needs some meds and therapy. Maybe write down a couple of things you want to focus on. Hope you find your humanity and kick the depression. Goodluck.

I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist a few months ago. My problem is, before the drinking I had forgotten completely what attachment felt like/was. It’s a an issue because I WANT the feeling, but I am unable. I have no emotional attachment to my family. And my two close friends are the ones in trying to work with in terms of learning to foster healthy attachments. My inability to connect to people lies in fear and lack of trust/paranoia. The only reason I find it so upsetting is bc when I felt attached again I realized on what I was missing out in life while everyone else seemed to be able to feel this so seamlessly. It made me realize that I was functioning different, and that is was the reason I could not feel loved/empathy/etc. I’d gotten used to a very empty and cold version of my own reality to the point where I felt as though it was completely normal. When in fact I was actually dying! Freaky stuff. Now it’s all just navigating my headspace... finding the missing keys and working with it. Learning for to keep coherent thoughts, etc. I hope this made any sense and explained some things

What do you mean by actually dying? I feel like every day I get a little bit of dying. I won't go into it but I think I understand. So you want to be close to people and have relationships. Schitzotypals usually like solitude I believe. I mainly am close to my immediate family. A couple of friends I haven't talked to in a long time.
My fear of connecting to people is because of trust/paranoia also. #To be honest the stuff I have experienced in the last 10 years or so is so nuts that I think I have some sort of complex ptsd. The strange pains in my eyes, head , body....it is maddening. Everywhere I go seems like a set up. So I just try to enjoy my day and improve my health.
The love and empathy stuff has left me somewhat. I was duped by some religious people while trying to help others, yada, yada, yada...I have a hard time trusting. It would be cool if your friends could help you get what you need. Hope all goes well!