the diagnosis...

my boyfriend (the only human i trust more than 30% of the time) wants me to see if i have STPD. i am scared of anything medical, including psychologists... i can barely bring myself to go outside and do my laundry out of agoraphobia, i'm not about to talk to a stranger in a closed room in a place i don't know, that is trained to analyze people and find vulnerabilities. it's practically begging someone to manipulate me. my boyfriend doesn't see. what am i supposed to do?

i am currently diagnosed with major depression general anxiety and ptsd. it's most certainly incorrect as i only tell my doctor the bare minimum required to get my medication (paroxetine, prazosin). the paroxetine gets rid of my stress sleeping and scary moods but it makes my panics worse. i am early twenties, and i am just now starting to realize my perception of things is weird. mental illness is not a new thing to me, i have family members with autism and bipolar and schizophrenia, but i never really thought that what i was experiencing might be related to my perception/cognition. i always blamed me hearing the wrong things on me just being dumb or something and overthinking and my outside input is limited to people calling me "the weirdest person" they "ever met" or saying i'm scary when i don't understand because i'm trying as best as i can to not make them hate me. my mother says i'm "very logical", and i see myself as being a pretty bland person, i want to find the truth about everything. i do not like to tell people things and communicating clearly takes up all of my thoughts and time. i went to the ER when i was 17 cus i thought i was possessed. i was homeless part of my teenhood cus i ran from home cus i thought my father was gonna kill me. i didn't realize these things were probably not true until a year or so after. i get along with my father better now but i will never live with him again and i'm still not sure i'm not possessed. the idea haunts me. i'm scared to say the words aloud.

two events happened recently that make me think STPD is a possibility or a risk. i have few friends but they're all mentally ill. one of them just got diagnosed with STPD. i've known him since high school and i talked to him about it and he says he sees stuff in me. i met my uncle for the first time and his brother has STPD and i saw things in him.

i feel nothing but anxiety in between fits of irritability. i have never experienced emotions the same way as the people around me, i knew that for a long time. my living situation is not great at the moment. i can't really afford rent because i work less than minimum wage as an """"""independent contractor'""""" online, because i can't function in the real world and have lost all the real jobs i had because i eventually piss off everyone. the last place i didn't understand the rules and was "too organized" and slow, the place before that i spent too much time fixing up the product placement in the aisles or something, the place before that i couldn't handle the register, i always get sick with anxiety and never last more than a year, i mishear something and **** up, i argue with people and everyone always "sides" against me even when i know what i heard/saw/know... i moved in with a younger friend because i thought my social anxiety would be better around a younger friend, they were the least threatening person i know, but it's just getting worse, i'm scared of them now and i explode when upset so it's not safe for them. they anger me every day doing things i don't understand. i feel constantly watched. i feel as if i am constantly doing something wrong. i feel like i could be arrested or attacked on the street at any time. my boyfriend moved back to his parents house in another state for work last spring, and i have no one to go places with me or help do paperwork or anything, it's really sinking in just how badly i need someone to "translate" the world for me and vice versa.

my boyfriend has BPD and got a workbook for working on stuff recently and it made me think about how i need to know what's going on exactly if i want to fix it.

but i don't want to see a psych?

Hello next: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are experiencing so much difficulty. You wrote you don't want to see a psychologist. However, from what you wrote, it sounds like seeing someone would be in your best interest. Perhaps a mental health therapist, rather than a psychologist, would feel at least a tiny bit less intimidating for you? Or as an alternative might you, perhaps, make a start by "seeing" someone on-line?

It sounds to me as though the key here may be to figure out some way to make a start... even a tiny one... & then build from there. Hopefully coming here to PC can be a first step in that direction & that you will find PC to be a source of support & comfort for you. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Welcome to pc