[Violeta]

I need some advice, please!

I had some medical and family issues over the past two years. My mom got re-diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery, my parents are losing their house, my brother got laid off, and I am recently married. Also, my adviser left as soon as I got here and it hasn’t been a good match with the rest of the small faculty.
One (my adviser) is the chair – due to retire soon and not having patience for much of anything I say or my interests. The other is very, very new, just hired, and just out of school and does what the other two say. The third is kind of psycho; had a fit in the hallway because a classmate tried to hold the door open for her.

Anyway, I fell behind on some work – part of the problem was the fact that I took too much on the first two years and got in over my head, and because I didn’t fit in well with the program I became demoralized and lost a lot of my writing confidence. It did not help that I got feedback like “research isn’t about popularity!” on papers when I wrote that some approach was gaining popularity on such and such research field. Isn’t that such a common thing to say? Besides my writing confidence being a barrier my medical issue has been frustrating but not recognized primarily because others didn’t think it was as big a deal as it was. Even some at the health center “rolled their eyes” but in the end, this summer, I had to have surgery and am still spitting out stitched.

I not only fell behind on some of my work but I didn’t tell anything after a while to anyone because of two reasons: 1) I didn’t know when/if I was going to finish it; it seemed overwhelming and my experience at the writing center wasn’t productive (another story not important here) and 2) I didn’t think I could get backing from health center folks or be taken seriously and I was also embarrassed because I didn’t want to go into details about how bad the situation was.

Now I finished my work – classes start soon, but I don’t know how to approach the old profs to still pass me. I got put on probation by my program and told that if I don’t have those classes squared away and my comps (comprehensive exams) submitted by sept 15 I’ll be kicked out.
Since the surgery I have a doctor’s note to say I’ve had a long-standing condition and documents the surgery, and I’ve also felt better. Even though I itch the major irritation is past and I can get off antibiotics for once in two years. The thing is this:

I just started on my comps and I am afraid I will not finish by the 15th of sept: they are 7 sections that require about 7 pages each spanning topics from theoretical orientation to multicultural competency, etc. all written and all, I’m afraid, will be disliked by the faculty. I am still to pick my committee which I have to do by the 15th but I haven’t even turned in the late papers for the other 3 classes I was behind in. Two classes are from two semesters ago and one is from last semester.

My questions are these:

How should I approach the old faculty to get these classes passed, if possible? They can always change grades but will they, especially without a peep from me? How can I max my chances they will?

Any idea how I can get my papers looked over by another party before I turn them in, which is in the next several days, and the writing center isn’t open yet until next week? I want to get some preliminary feedback and at this point I’m not sure who to approach? There are three papers, two finals, and one mid-term, all written narrative.

How should I handle if I need more time for comps and how do I get over the feeling that they won’t like anything I say? It’s paralyzing; one prof once said to me “I love how you write;” however here, I can’t seem to get anything out the way they like. I questioned some BS early on when I was too green, enthusiastic, and looked up to them like they surely would know the answers and didn’t get until a bit too late that the answers I got were all I was going to get. I also criticized a book written by my adviser’s old beloved adviser because I’d missed a class with the story about why the text was picked. I get dismissed a lot and I can’t even clarify what I am trying to say because I get cut off by my adviser and I’m really, really scared. I feel like I can’t make them happy.

How should I approach finding a topic for my dissertation that will please my adviser? I choose from the topics they like and I look at other past studies they chaired, however, every time I propose something they not only doesn’t like it but doesn’t help me straighten it out or tell me what I could do to improve; they question me on “why do you have to do this or that” and tells me what I do wrong but never what I do or could do right. I have some ideas but I need to run them by someone and I don’t know who, just to see if they are realistic and what variables are best to pick, what research method would fit best, etc. I swear I gauge pretty well that my ideas/thoughts aren't that outlandish from the rest of the students but mine are treated like they are from Pluto.

Thanks for any help/advice!!! Please someone answer...

[Perna]

I would change my perspective a little bit and assume telling you what isn't right was what they were going to do. So, I'd put on a little-miss-pleased-to-hear-it face and keep thanking them as you write down what they say; the more you can "agree" with them, the less they can/will say negative?

I'd forget the really old negatives; they aren't going to remember the details, just that they don't "like" you. So, do lots of smiles and apologies and try not to phrase things in ways that sound like you are challenging or not liking something.

Can you go make friends (literally) with the neighborhood librarian? They often have the advanced education, have done a lot of reading/meeting with people, etc. and might be helpful? Maybe they would look at some of your shorter papers and give you enough of an idea of whether they were okay or not to turn in?

[DePressMe]

Violeta, it sounds like you have yourself in a good pickle. I'm not a PhD student so I can't really offer you any advice. I just want you to know that I read your post and I feel for you...I'm sending some positive thoughts your way.

Originally Posted by Violeta

I need some advice, please!

I had some medical and family issues over the past two years. My mom got re-diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery, my parents are losing their house, my brother got laid off, and I am recently married. Also, my adviser left as soon as I got here and it hasn’t been a good match with the rest of the small faculty.
One (my adviser) is the chair – due to retire soon and not having patience for much of anything I say or my interests. The other is very, very new, just hired, and just out of school and does what the other two say. The third is kind of psycho; had a fit in the hallway because a classmate tried to hold the door open for her.

Anyway, I fell behind on some work – part of the problem was the fact that I took too much on the first two years and got in over my head, and because I didn’t fit in well with the program I became demoralized and lost a lot of my writing confidence. It did not help that I got feedback like “research isn’t about popularity!” on papers when I wrote that some approach was gaining popularity on such and such research field. Isn’t that such a common thing to say? Besides my writing confidence being a barrier my medical issue has been frustrating but not recognized primarily because others didn’t think it was as big a deal as it was. Even some at the health center “rolled their eyes” but in the end, this summer, I had to have surgery and am still spitting out stitched.

I not only fell behind on some of my work but I didn’t tell anything after a while to anyone because of two reasons: 1) I didn’t know when/if I was going to finish it; it seemed overwhelming and my experience at the writing center wasn’t productive (another story not important here) and 2) I didn’t think I could get backing from health center folks or be taken seriously and I was also embarrassed because I didn’t want to go into details about how bad the situation was.

Now I finished my work – classes start soon, but I don’t know how to approach the old profs to still pass me. I got put on probation by my program and told that if I don’t have those classes squared away and my comps (comprehensive exams) submitted by sept 15 I’ll be kicked out.
Since the surgery I have a doctor’s note to say I’ve had a long-standing condition and documents the surgery, and I’ve also felt better. Even though I itch the major irritation is past and I can get off antibiotics for once in two years. The thing is this:

I just started on my comps and I am afraid I will not finish by the 15th of sept: they are 7 sections that require about 7 pages each spanning topics from theoretical orientation to multicultural competency, etc. all written and all, I’m afraid, will be disliked by the faculty. I am still to pick my committee which I have to do by the 15th but I haven’t even turned in the late papers for the other 3 classes I was behind in. Two classes are from two semesters ago and one is from last semester.

My questions are these:

How should I approach the old faculty to get these classes passed, if possible? They can always change grades but will they, especially without a peep from me? How can I max my chances they will?

Any idea how I can get my papers looked over by another party before I turn them in, which is in the next several days, and the writing center isn’t open yet until next week? I want to get some preliminary feedback and at this point I’m not sure who to approach? There are three papers, two finals, and one mid-term, all written narrative.

How should I handle if I need more time for comps and how do I get over the feeling that they won’t like anything I say? It’s paralyzing; one prof once said to me “I love how you write;” however here, I can’t seem to get anything out the way they like. I questioned some BS early on when I was too green, enthusiastic, and looked up to them like they surely would know the answers and didn’t get until a bit too late that the answers I got were all I was going to get. I also criticized a book written by my adviser’s old beloved adviser because I’d missed a class with the story about why the text was picked. I get dismissed a lot and I can’t even clarify what I am trying to say because I get cut off by my adviser and I’m really, really scared. I feel like I can’t make them happy.

How should I approach finding a topic for my dissertation that will please my adviser? I choose from the topics they like and I look at other past studies they chaired, however, every time I propose something they not only doesn’t like it but doesn’t help me straighten it out or tell me what I could do to improve; they question me on “why do you have to do this or that” and tells me what I do wrong but never what I do or could do right. I have some ideas but I need to run them by someone and I don’t know who, just to see if they are realistic and what variables are best to pick, what research method would fit best, etc. I swear I gauge pretty well that my ideas/thoughts aren't that outlandish from the rest of the students but mine are treated like they are from Pluto.

Thanks for any help/advice!!! Please someone answer...

[(JD)]

I can't respond fully right now, as I'm battling a pain flare. I will, however, tell you that while you have a few full plates spinning... it sounds as complicated as my life was with the terminable degree.

Prioritize.

If you have produced good work before, and you're under such time-constraints, then don't waste time seeking out someone to confirm your good (writing) work.

You may have already sought this answer out, but due to the health issue, can you be granted a week's delay (or more) on some things? (If so, get it in writing!)

Is this the final option for topic selection, or will there still be a chance to tweak it further? Don't limit yourself in declaring the topic... you probably have a good idea of the general area you wish to write, choose a title that gives you wide berth for narrowing later.

It's not the end of the world if you don't finish all this this year. I KNOW how it feels and the "what ifs" and "have to"s... but truly, it's not the end of the world.

Breathe.

[IceCreamKid]

There is an old expression: "can't win for trying". Are you sure you are in the right field? I'd start there, first. If you think you are, then ask yourself if you are at the right school. The comment about popularity should be taken at face value; a professor trying to make a point, not a personal criticism. I work with someone who talks to me like a dog and I realize it is her own twisted mind talking, not a correct evaluation of my character. I bring this up because if you think you are in the right field and the right school, then overlook what you think is some professor's peevishness and express appreciation for appropriate help and constructive criticism. Some professors think it is okay to abuse students. It isn't okay but it also isn't really personal. It's past time that you had a talk with someone at your school about your specific concerns.

[nerdosaurus]

Hi,

I'm also a Phd student in my last year and i know exactly the level of stress it involves!

The part that struck me about your message was when you said your supervisor cuts you off when you explain something. I have exactly the same problem and for the past 2 years have been trying to pluck up the courage to sort this out but it's really intimidating.

If you cant talk directly to your supervisor is there someone else who could maybe give him a polite talking to? My supervisor is a scary guy but luckily i have great colleagues who stick up for me when times are rough.

Just remember that it's not only you, every single PhD student in the world gets immensely stressed out and thinks they wont make it. There's also something called imposter syndrome where you think someone will soon realise you dont deserve to be there. But you do, keep persevering.

I hope it goes well for you and if you need to have a good long PhD rant then I'm available! Good luck!