Living a Life of the Mind with an Unsound Mind

I am a college freshman who has loved learning, studying, reading, and writing above all else, and I have suffered from depression my whole life. Only recently, however, has that depression been so severe that I am unable to concentrate on my studies, either overwhelmed by exhaustion or despair. My once potent motivation seems to have dissipated. This is horrific for me, as my one desire is to prove a worthy scholar. I would really appreciate advice from scholars out there who, despite depression or other mental illness, have found strategies that allow them to focus and live a life of the mind even with an unsound mind.

I have discovered very recently that setting specific goals for myself (both long-term and short term) and keeping a realtime log of what I do helps me stay on track. However, I've only been trying this for a week or so, so the long-term effectiveness is yet unknown.. something to try though, maybe? Good luck, I totally understand where you are coming from. ^_^

My senior year, last semester, of college, my depression became so overwhelming that I simply could not function. Fortunately for me, I had been regularly seeing the head of counseling services at the university for a couple of years, and he recommended that I take an incomplete, go home for the rest of the semester and through the summer while I got the depression more under control, and return the next fall to finish up my student teaching semester. He contacted the professors in charge of the education program and explained to them (in general terms) why I needed the incompletes. It was a horribly difficult choice to make. I was literally a couple of months close to graduation. But I took his advice. I have never regretted it. It only postponed graduation from May to December. A few months is truly nothing in the grand scheme of things. That counselor helped set me up with therapy in my home town; my pdoc found a pdoc near my home town to work with me while I was home. I rested A LOT. Was under orders not to think for a month or so. Went to work after a month or so with my mother at her office. Returned in August to complete my student teaching semester. And graduated in December.

I don't know if that might be an option for you, but sometimes a break from the mental stress is what you need, and that's near to impossible to do while you are juggling 5 or 6 college courses. If it's not an option, consider dropping courses to what is absolutely essential that you take. The world won't come to an end if it takes you a semester longer to graduate.

During my fall semester last year I was incredibly depressed that none of my talents were actually useful and that I was horrible at them anyway, and I had to work to bring myself up to become more confident. I was with a school counselor that entire year, then was able to set up seeing a counselor and psychiatrist through her. I definitely feel better and more able to handle things, though it still feels far from perfect.

The same sort of thing happened to me in my freshman year. I had been diagnosed with depression at age 8. I'd not seen a therapist for yrs but started again, & the 2nd term took 3 fewer hrs. My T helped me realize that as stress went up I'd need more rest, more energy to complete tasks. He was right.

Now I know I was actually bipolar, not just depressed. But in any case I had to incorporate my handicap into my schedule. I expected just as much from myself (& got it) but just not at as quick a pace as when I was living at home & in high school & life was just generally easier.

I also had to learn to keep my focus on specific tasks. If I looked at all I had to do In a semester, for example, I'd get overwhelmed.

Hope this helps. Enjoy college!

Aeternis, are you at UChicago? "Life of the Mind" is its informal slogan, and it seems exactly like the kind of institution that would attract a passionate scholar such as yourself. I could be completely off with the U of C idea, but if you are there remember that it is a very rigorous university. Everyone in your class is learning that s/he is not the smartest person in the classroom anymore, and I'd imagine that would be disorientating even for people without mood disorder.

I can really relate to what you wrote. My senior year of high school, I had a similar breakdown when I was hit with the worst depressive episode I had ever experienced. I couldn't study. I found it hard to complete my homework (and even harder to actually put some effort in it). Even staying awake during class (and exams!) was difficult.

Unfortunately, I haven't fully recovered yet. Like FarmerGirl, I am bipolar. We bipolars tend to have recurring depressions; sometimes it feels like every time I start to build my castle the waves come crashing through to destroy my progress. But I have gained through the process.

I learned fairly quickly to have more compassion for others. I used to be a bit of a snob; I somewhat assumed that anyone who didn't do as well as I did in school was either dumber or lazier. Literally being forced to be lazy by an illness that took all the concentration I needed to study taught me on an emotional level that there are many, many factors that determine success (and not just academic success!). The recurrent depression also forced me to take a long hard look at what I wanted to do with my life. I consciously realized what I had always known: I was fascinated by psychology. Now I'm majoring in it. I realized that I did not want to be a research scientist; writing grants and collecting data just would not give me the human contact that the depression taught me I valued. I have discovered a career that is perfect for me: psychiatry. I love the human mind and am interested in both the psychological and biological aspects of it. I love talking to people about deeper issues that psych disorders affect: What is identity?, What is our purpose in life?, Why do we have to deal with so much pain?

And speaking of pain...as I psychiatrist, I will be fighting mental illness everyday, all day. I wouldn't mind being a research psychiatrist, as many of them still see some patients. Overall, I'll be standing up to my disorder. And it will feel so good.

So, take this time to reflect on your true goals and interests. In the face of depression, anything else will just not seem to be worth fighting for. And once you've ID'd your interests, hold on to them with a firm grip. Depression is not satisfied until it has taken everything.

Like I said earlier, I still haven't fully recovered from the depression that overwhelmed me 2 years ago. Studying is very hard. It's difficult to get interested in my coursework, and I haven't reclaimed my identity as a capable student. But I am making progress. Last Saturday, I did my best to study for my neurobiology exam. Not only was I able to focus for longer than usual, there were points when I actually found it enjoyable. I am slowly rediscovering my love for biology and for learning. What we both need to do is to forget about our positions and focus on our velocities.