[sonnenschein]

Background: I started university last fall. My family was/is fairly dysfunctional and emotionally abusive: along with the usual fighting, this year brought the sudden death of my grandmother, a Christmas that was barely bearable roaring drunk, getting kicked out of my mother's house, two or three new lawsuits (a narrowly averted restraining order) and my father and his girlfriend/new life partner splitting up …in an unfriendly way.

In high school, I had a group of supportive friends; most of them moved away or just drifted apart. The school had been home for me- when my mother would tell me that I was worthless, ugly, stupid and that no-one would ever love me, I'd take comfort in my teachers' praise. I also excelled with very little effort- I only skipped one grade, but I never had to study to ace exams.

However, now I'm studying Mathematics at a fairly demanding university, I can't just breeze through academics. Even though the official policy here is to accept all students, unofficially about 80% are …encouraged drop out during the first year. I've made that first cut, but I'm barely treading water. I want to re-take several exams this September and I have to take a few more, but I can't study for them.

I've had these problems (along with some exam anxiety) for the whole year and started to see a therapist about them. She has helped me to the point where I've managed to go to exams and breathe during them (I sort of had panic attacks during the first few and ended up with a D, two Cs and an F). I also was diagnosed with "Adjustment Disorder, Unspecified", which seems a bit vague.

Right now, I'm pretty much alone for the summer: I need to study and I can't concentrate. My mind keeps jumping away and I can't focus. When I drag myself to the library, I can read the same page over three times and still have no idea what it says. Sometimes I actually managed to read a few sentences, but as soon as I don't understand something right away, I start to panic. I also feel stupid and guilty- I think of my friends and bet to myself that they got whatever-it-is right away, and worry that I'm too dumb to study Math and feel guilty about feeling stupid because I know it's not productive.

On a rational level, I know I have the mental capacity to study Mathematics. Emotionally, I look at a proof and feel like a train wreck. I worry that I'll never get anything and despair and give up. I didn't even read the harder proofs for my last exams, because I despaired of ever understanding them even though I know there's nothing stopping me except for me psyching myself out.

These past few weeks, I've also started feeling unusually jumpy. I'll wander around aimlessly for hours because I'm sick of sitting down, and I don't really feel comfortable unless I'm on the move. I feel stuck, like I'm trapped in a tar-pit. It may sound arrogant, but I've always been at the top of whatever classes I was in. Now I'm easily one of the worst students left and it chafes at me. I know I'm learning; but I still feel like my life is stagnating, like I'm stuck facing the same obstacles I faced almost a year ago when I started and the progress I've made is negligible.

Worst of all, I know I'm the one keeping myself back- I'm driving myself crazy and I feel guilty and ashamed about that too. I just don't know how to break out of this… whatever this is.

I'd really love any advice or tips or some form of straw to cling to. I've tried all the classical things- getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, exercising, finding a quiet place free of distraction, gathering all the necessarily material, playing to my study strengths/type (flashcards, highlighters, writing notes, trying to explain the concepts to myself/friends and other victims/potted plants, etc). I never really finish reading the concepts and proofs so I can't explain them, I lose the flashcards and never review them and the fact that my text looks like a My Little Pony in drag hasn't helped much either.

I'm also sure I don't have ADHD or anything like that: I never had trouble focusing or remembering things until this year.

[Travelinglady]

I can assure you that you aren't the first person who has discovered that making the transition from high school to college can be tough--who breezed through high school and now has to study in college.

I am wondering if a large part of your situation right now might be caused by stress. As you say, you are having family problems, plus now you are having to adjust to a new situation. Is there an academic study center at your school? Or perhaps some tutors? I wonder if you are now sort of in a vivious circle--i.e., you don't do well, so you sort of panic, and then your panic leads you to not do well. If someone can get you to start doing better, then you can break out of that.

If there is no official center, then maybe you can ask around about a tutor--or even a study group. I even found getting another math textbook that covered the same material, but in a slightly different way to be helpful to me.

I hope something I said will be helpful--and you'll be pulling good grades before too long.

[Perna]

I don't know if you are living near a school/university. I would go to their library or find a study group if I could there, do as Payne suggests.

If I had no such resources, I would make myself a plan, down to the details/timing and focus on that such that outside/future problems did not intrude as much. I am starting a year-long diploma program in September too and am hyper-focused on that and getting my hardware/software ready, ordering books, starting a reading program, etc. I'm building up as much excitement as I can for what I will be studying and the material I will be working with and the structure I am building to support myself.