Sort of a rant...

Not much to say. I thought about putting this in the work and careers section, but thought my issue is more relevant to people in school… (as I write this, I'm not sure if this is the right forum….)

Anyway, I'm just stressed out about the summer and the coming fall semester, my last semester of undergrad….

I have an internship. I had thought it was a crappy one, mediocre, at best, because my low self esteem and shame / depression has distorted my view of everything…. but I just found out some of the other interns are going to some of the best schools for my concentration in the country -- no, the world.

This will be my first 'real' job, and I'm having a crisis of confidence… on top of that, my mother's cancer is getting severely worse, and my father, whom I had blocked out from my mind since the age of 10 or 11 (5th grade) has been calling me. I try to call my mother, because even though she can be very hurtful and she doesn't understand anything I say, at least I can pretend someone is listening. But now I call and she immediately starts going on a rant about her cancer, and then she starts sobbing…. I have always been something of my mother's caretaker, but now, adding on the job of being my father's therapist, whom I have always been afraid of -- well, that is pretty much collapsing my entire psyche.

It's also finals right now and I'm so stressed out that I don't feel that I can give my full attention to my schoolwork. But my first two years of undergrad were so disastrously bad, I feel I need to get straight As in the classes that count for my major -- and I feel that I'm about to collapse.

But, at the same time, I know that I need to keep my father alive, because he is the money machine of the family -- without him, my family would lose everything. So I need to be his therapist. I'm so scared of him.

And I'm just scared that all of this family stuff coming up is making my communication skills worse, and those will be necessary if I want to be the best intern. To top it off, my thesis advisor is bringing up all sorts of father issues, so the whole semester has been sort of a prolonged anxiety attack… On top of that, I have to find housing for the summer…. Adding to that, most of my schoolmates are graduating this semester, but I'm not, because I had to take time off… It's an awkward and terrifying time. My self harm has been at its worst these past few weeks...

With these issues at the forefront, how can I do my best this summer in my first 'real' job? On top of my job, how can I work on my thesis and research grad schools?

Next semester I will be dealing with my thesis advisor again, but hopefully it will be better because I told him I'd just send him my writing and he could critique that, instead of having conversations….

I'm going to see if a school counselor can help me plan and know about resources this summer, but I doubt they'll be able to help...

I just feel that my mental state is slowly deteriorating… that's pretty much it. Thanks for reading.