[ReveuseTroublee]

This will be my last thread for some time... I feel like I have been posting so much...

I have been struggling with self-harm urges, dissociation and intense emotions, I lose a lot of time. I try to focus, but the brain fog and physical exhaustion (coffee and energy drinks don't help - I tried) is so strong. I am also restricting my intake... I tried upping it but I can't afford more breakdowns over it and feeling worse and then overexercising and still feeling awful and guilty for too long - makes me feel embarrassed to admit this. I truly need something I can use right now. What can help? What can I do?
I even consider trying to self-harm in a controlled way as much as I want so I can concentrate... But even that does not really help - also I can't control it, it is usually pretty bad and I can't afford to be admitted so yeah this is not really an option.
I have not tried strong smells yet, I tried to work with my tactile sense though but nothing is really working. Any ideas on what could help?
I just want to be productive. Maybe I am trying to be high functioning... xD
I am not used to failing and I don't want to become used to it, I also don't want to use my issues as an excuse.
Even if I fail this exam, it won't get counted as a failure due to the current Covid situation but it would be a huge step for me and I think it would help me to keep fighting my self-harm urges and suicidal ideation.

I have times during the day where I am doing horribly but I never know when also with the dissociation I never know when...

This is my first exam after being hospitalised and not being able to study in over a year. Another reason why it means so much to me.

The sad thing is that all of these symptoms are related and if one goes up, the others follow.
I take the blame for this mess.
I have the goal of getting through this on my own.

[WastingAsparagus]

Have you tried deep breathing? Have you tried getting in a cold shower or otherwise exposing yourself to really (not too) cold water? Have you tried holding ice cubes in your hands for a while and holding your breath while doing that? Exercising really hard can help too. I am learning some of these things too for my intense emotions. These things are hard to implement but they sometimes work.

[AliceKate]

Good luck <3

I am actually doing the opposite. I am trying to face my fears, I leave the house every day (if I don't, the next day is really bad). Sports is good, though lately I seem to have substituted that with chocolate (which is also good).

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry that you're struggling! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about trying some of the methods they have suggested such as physical exercise. Perhaps try to split up your studying sessions as well. Sorry if my post isn't really that Helpful. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Perhaps that may help as well. i Hope and Pray that your exams will go well. Please do keep us updated if and when you can and want to! Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @ReveuseTroublee, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by ReveuseTroublee

This will be my last thread for some time... I feel like I have been posting so much...

I have been struggling with self-harm urges, dissociation and intense emotions, I lose a lot of time. I try to focus, but the brain fog and physical exhaustion (coffee and energy drinks don't help - I tried) is so strong. I am also restricting my intake... I tried upping it but I can't afford more breakdowns over it and feeling worse and then overexercising and still feeling awful and guilty for too long - makes me feel embarrassed to admit this. I truly need something I can use right now. What can help? What can I do?
I even consider trying to self-harm in a controlled way as much as I want so I can concentrate... But even that does not really help - also I can't control it, it is usually pretty bad and I can't afford to be admitted so yeah this is not really an option.
I have not tried strong smells yet, I tried to work with my tactile sense though but nothing is really working. Any ideas on what could help?
I just want to be productive. Maybe I am trying to be high functioning... xD
I am not used to failing and I don't want to become used to it, I also don't want to use my issues as an excuse.
Even if I fail this exam, it won't get counted as a failure due to the current Covid situation but it would be a huge step for me and I think it would help me to keep fighting my self-harm urges and suicidal ideation.

I have times during the day where I am doing horribly but I never know when also with the dissociation I never know when...

This is my first exam after being hospitalised and not being able to study in over a year. Another reason why it means so much to me.

The sad thing is that all of these symptoms are related and if one goes up, the others follow.
I take the blame for this mess.
I have the goal of getting through this on my own.

I did this for three years. Burned out about it by now, i.e. I would no longer be able to do this, and wouldn't want to either, but my symptoms also got better after I decided not to do this anymore, so it's also luck that I didn't burn out sooner before they got better. Or maybe it's also due to my decision. I did also quit the work that was simply just too hard (and they didn't pay enough for how hard it was) and found better work. A better sleep schedule and emotions processing of the trauma stuff has also helped.

Do decide how long you want to abuse yourself like this...I did it for three years, looking back I cannot tell if it was worth it or not*. I frankly don't think it's an excuse if one decides to stop abusing oneself (I'm not referring to the self-harm with that). It's not failure. Any chance you can rest and recover for another full year before you try doing exams? Just give yourself more time overall with becoming functioning again (that IS very familiar an issue to me).

I do think the tricky part is to hit that sweet spot: not doing too little, but also not trying to do/doing too much to recover. Like, if you do nothing, then that can hinder recovery too. I did always think that me forcing myself to do things did help me survive. But overdoing stress will also hinder the recovery, makes it harder/slower. I don't think I ever really hit the sweet spot. I am still trying to. At least I've made it all a lot more tolerable by now.

Hope some of this helped.



*: When I say I cannot tell if it was worth it. I'm proud of myself and all that that I've pulled through, proud of what I've achieved, but I'm still evaluating any long term consequences of it (as there have been consequences of me doing this for 3 years, maybe both good and bad though) and I know that I would not wish all these 3 years on my worst enemy either. What I do know is that what I was doing for 3 years was FAR from optimal, but since I received no expert help that was what I could do. I do know that I do not recommend it to anyone else because it's involved torture rather than just healing, even if I've worked hard on healing too.

I do know that if I had realised sooner that I could give myself more time on some of the stuff, etc etc, it'd have been more optimal without losing any benefits/advantages, and would still have achieved what I set out to achieve. But I'm still evaluating long term consequences, both the good and the bad, so no final conclusion on that one. But. If I had known how bad these 3 years were going to be, I'd not have started on it, of course.



PS: You say... "never know when also with the dissociation I never know when". Yeah, I also never know when I'll be functional or just dissociated. Biggest part of the stress that's still here for me. Impossible to plan properly with that.

[kingkhan12]

I can't focus on the study while it is very important. But my study period missed