I handled myself well I think

My breakout group were nasty to me tonight during our online zoom class. By nasty, I mean they talked over me and only to each other when I tried to participate and contribute to the small group assignment.

I exited the breakout room to the main room, told the professor and he put me with another small group who were respectful to me.

Later, I was surprised to get a no-subject email from one of the nasty breakout group classmates. Here is how her email displayed her faux apology:

- no subject line; it was just blank (reeks of someone who is passive aggressive, she clearly doesn't respect me and having to add "apology" means acknowledge her bad behavior publicly on the record; keeping it blank in her mind, means she is detached from the email's purpose and content)

-the way she addresses me casually, shortening my first name (she did this to try to diffuse my anger and probably make herself feel less guilty; as we are complete strangers)

- she starts her email by telling me I overreacted and not to take things so personally. (Nice gaslighting behavior)

-she then writes in her email to me that she knows how it is to overreact and that I was correct, the small group activity was difficult.

-she then closes her email with a smiley emoji and wishes me luck with the rest of the class.

You can ONLY IMAGINE what I really wanted to write in response to her idiotic email.

But I chose self-control.

So, I responded (with blank subject line as that's not my responsibility to take care of for her or this situation; the blank subject line of her email is symbolic of her disingenuous passive aggressive stupidity).

I wrote, very succinct and to the point "I received your email. I let our professor know via email tonight, not to pair me with you or the two other classmates in future breakout rooms. Sincerely, Motts."

I handled myself well, I think. Her weak attempt to apologize failed because of the reasons I wrote above. A genuine email apology looks like this:

To: Motts
Fr: Classmate
RE: Apology

Hi Motts,

I just wanted to apologize for my behavior in our breakout session tonight. I talked over you and ignored your input. When you left our breakout session, I spoke to the other group members about how our behavior negatively impacted our collaboration. I hope that you will consider working with me again in a future breakout session for class. I appreciate your input.

Sincerely, Immature Classmate.

I realize the above email is too high of expectations. It's what I would have written if I had miscommunicated with a classmate during a small group activity.

I handled myself well, I think with my email response. I'm not going to dwell on it after I post this. They were petty to me and at least now I know their true colors.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? In a work or school situation where a classmate or coworker gaslighted you via email after they gaslighted you in front of others?

Im glad your prof put you in another group. When i was attempting to get an MBA at night, one prof told me i needed to learn how to deal with miserable coworkers. I had been dealing with miserable coworkers for fifteen years by then but at least i was getting paid for it. I didnt need to PAY to deal with miserable colleagues. I couldnt deal.

I’ve worked in groups where we were brainstorming, and my idea was plowed over and not even given a thought, while different ideas were run with. I dealt with it by going with the flow, but making sure we didn’t end up with a failed assignment.

One time comes to mind. I was doing a fun exercise in teamwork. The group ran with an idea and I hung back and just watched. There were already a dozen or more people yelling. Part of the assignment was to come up with a motto. I gave them my idea, which I must say was great IMHO . They ignored me and others made suggestions that I didn’t think were good at all. Honestly, what I came up with was very clever and I knew it, but they all heard me say it once, twice… and they just ignored me. The time we were given was running out to the final seconds. I forcefully demanded they write down what I said and use it. They did. Shock and awe? Then when they were trying to implement their plan, I subtly directed it and it worked great. Without my direction, no one knew what to do when it was time to perform their plan.

When we were judged, we won the challenge against the other teams who all were very disorganized. My slogan was greatly appreciated by the judge. She asked who came up with it. I kept silent, so did all the others. She looked us over and gave me a look that communicated she knew it was me because she knew me and had worked with me on another performance. The team was all happy we won. None of them said a word of acknowledgment to me. I was fine with that, didn’t expect better from those people, and I enjoyed that day.

So, that’s my take on how people are.

I’m sure your input was very valuable, and it was their loss for not listening.

My professor reneged and emailed me today. He chided me for not wanting to stick it out and work with difficult classmates. Then, he pretended that he can't switch groups b/c he intentionally uses the random sorter with Zoom, so he can't promise me that I won't be placed with those jerk classmates again. I rolled my eyes reading that nonsense.

If he puts me with those group members again, I'll just exit the breakout room and tell him that I stand by my principles and will not subject myself to being talked over and have my input totally ignored. I'll reframe it that it's not constructive to put me with people who refuse to respect my participation.

I'm pissed now.

Your take is 100% accurate. People are terrible collaborators even when you give them parameters, expectations, guidelines, and policies to follow. They still act like asshats b/c of their egos.

Sounds like you experienced exactly what I did with your work groups. They bulldozed you b/c you were more on the ball, which they didn't like (b/c they are weak minded and competitive maybe).

Sad, really the way they treated you. Idiots! Glad your supervisor at least recognized albeit silently, that you were the glue that held your group together.

Yeah the teachers do not like the professional workers telling them what the real world is like. They think they are going to tell us.

Exactly!! Adults as students are not exempt from treating each other with respect. Yet, it would seem the adults I was placed with as classmates, disagree with that morality clause because they sure did bulldoze me and were not sorry for it either. The classmate's email to me where she accused me of overreacting under the guise of an apology, just added insult to injury.

Why do teachers/professors think they know better? They really don't. They're just as fallible as their students.

I had a prof once who tried to embarrass me for my views on socialism.

I agree with you that it is based on egos! I think, when I told them my idea, they did not allow it to register in their minds and give it one moment of thought and that’s why they ignored me. They were only trying to go with their own ideas, and there was an atmosphere of such yelling and turmoil. They weren’t really thinking. It was funny to watch!

I took a leadership academy another time, and they stressed to be the unsung hero and that’s why I didn’t speak up that it was my idea. Funny how no one else did, too. Petty people, right? Maybe they didn’t like me after I was forceful in getting them to use my motto. Plus, they knew I had directed the idea they had chosen, and that’s why it worked— so were they resentful? It doesn’t really make sense, when winning the challenge was the goal and we won.

Another incredible story is when I was in the leadership program with my professional association, the leader did this exercise with us where she shook our hands, like to teach us a proper handshake. After she shook mine, she said to me in front of the whole class, that I had no character! I found myself muttering something like I do have character. The class was silent and stunned for a moment. I did or said nothing farther about it. I could have gotten her in hot water for that. I just have to laugh….

What?!?! That's horrible!! Your professor is an asshat! What did he say to you in front of the class? Did you report his behavior to his department?

Yes, it's definitely about egos! Your colleagues were intimidated by your expertise and your quick thinking skills, and instead of rewarding you for your contribution they sabotaged you and undermined you, because they are a very petty group of adults. Idiots, they are!!

Your second example infuriates me. For your leader to humiliate you the way that she did, she should have been let go from her role in that program. That's a level below petty. That's just cruel. What a *****! I hate it when women undermine other women like that, just because they're insecure and can't deal with themselves like a mature person and work out their OWN issues on themselves, instead of projecting their crap on to innocent bystanders.

How are you doing in your group project now?

I worked it out with my professor to do the project alone.