Disclosed my illness to a grad program

Thank you for clarifying, bpforever! You actually gave me more hope with your answer, and CONGRATULATIONS for all your accomplishments so far! I'm sure you will be an excellent professional writer, if you're not already! You have the energy to do it all! I wish I had 25% of your energy, LOL. But seriously, I'm glad that you have a wonderful inclusive grad program to look forward to! That's awesome news!

I am still hoping to apply. I have to write another lay summary tomorrow to finish a course I started. Then, afterward, I hope to start on my application essays. I am lucky to have a mentor/ doctor who looks at my essays and corrects them. I feel blessed. I have a vague idea of what I want to write about. But, putting it down on paper is another task for me.

I wanted to volunteer for a mental health website, but I might be busy this upcoming season since I signed up to substitute for other people. I want to volunteer still but need the extra money to carry me through. So, I will postpone volunteering for a while.

Teaching online is fun. However, I have to do a lot of administrative tasks. I don't get paid to do this but put time into it anyways. I like my job and am happy that I'm doing ok.

I'm doing well overall. I wish I had more time, but I will be ok with what I have.

That's awesome! Even if you're not paid for teaching, one day you might be, given all your experience and your building CV/resume.

I am getting paid to teach but not for administrative tasks. I am independent and on my own with my meager earnings.

Oh, I misread that. Sorry.

Do you have an assistantship, or is this a separate job? At least for the administrative tasks, you can put that on your CV/resume as experience. Glad you're getting paid to teach though. That's awesome.

One of my mentors, who is also in the reserves as well as a veteran, teaches when he's not serving in the military. He also works for the VA to help the LGBTQ+ veterans, and to train social workers, as he has a degree in social work. I asked if I could volunteer as his research assistant online, as we've never met in person. He said yes. He explained that he needed materials for his class, and so I helped find peer-reviewed journals. He said he wasn't paid for his teaching job, but he needed to propose a syllabus, etc. I had some experience with grading and creating a rubric as a teacher's assistant as a post-bacc when I was a research assistant in a lab. It was fun. I wasn't paid for any of that either, so I assumed incorrectly about what you meant.

I never taught, but I always helped behind-the-scenes.

I did volunteer at a Mutual Aid Center to assist in teaching/tutoring English as a Second Language to a married couple. They were levels 0 and 1 when then came in, and they advanced to levels 1 and 2, respectively, after I taught them. I didn't know their language, so I had to be very active and use my body to point to things, use the board to draw things, and I had them come up to the board to write the ABCs and sentences, etc. I was trained to do that. Boy, did that take the wind out of me, and that was just volunteering twice a week for 1.5 hours. I lasted only 4 months, and then I had to quit, due to my CFS/ME.

It felt great to teach, but it was exhausting! I never realized how much energy one needs to have for teaching!

I have to prepare for my lessons and write e-mails about the next lessons to my students. I call these administrative tasks. I put sometimes a lot of time into preparing these e-mails. But, it is worth it.

I took a break yesterday and went out and about. I enjoyed my time off and went walking then ate at an All American Buffet. It was nice and not too expensive. I had a great time by myself. I feel ok and feel as if I rested. I am doing fine. I went out today also to do some chores. I was worried for a while about my situation. I am in a dead-end job with no possibility of advancement. I am doing ok but know I can't do this job until I die. I need to do something about my situation and will try to improve it. I am still thinking about whether or not to apply to grad school since I will incur a debt. But, I feel so far positive about it although I like my current dead-end job. I know I must remain productive, healthy, and happy. I feel good that I exercised a lot yesterday. It was fun. I am doing well and count my blessings. I sometimes want to go back to America. However, I came here because I could not find a job there. So, I am in the right place. I found freedom and independence here. I just need to go forward and improve my situation. I would love to return to America one day but know I probably won't be able to find a decent job until I improve my credentials and work experience. I will try to do my best with what I have. And, I will continue striving to do my best. I just can't believe about four years ago I was unable to work and take care of myself. So, baby steps in the right direction are working for me. I did not know what to expect here. But, so far all is well. Life could not be better. I'm healthy, stable, and doing well.

Are you in Canada or a different country? If so, that's awesome that you were able to make the transition from the US to a different country and then find the help you needed to move forward. I have no idea about the grad system in other countries. You are super brave for relocating! But if you're not in America, how did you go to an All American Buffet? Do they have those in other countries? If so, that's cool!

I've not been outside of the country, except for maybe just over the border in Mexico - that is, when I used to live in Southern California. I don't live there anymore, and I never will. Their housing costs are outrageous! You'd need like 5 roommates to be able to afford it out there!

I hope you are able to find what you're looking for. Life is mysterious, and there are always opportunities that may come our way when we least expect it. That's kind of what I'm hoping for on my journey.

would like to keep this to myself.

So, I just taught another student. I have two more to go tonight. Then, I have to work on my administrative tasks from this morning.

I am doing ok. I am getting by somehow. I feel blessed. I have to finish the course I'm taking this week. And, I have to get started on my application essays. I did enjoy my time off this past weekend though. It was nice to go out and enjoy the scenery although there were many people outside as well. And, sprinkL3 I'm planning to apply for a program in the USA, not here. I could not imagine going to school here. It is so expensive here. They charge a ridiculous amount for tuition here. I'm not sure it is on par with American universities. Some of the colleges do have English-taught courses. But, I am not interested in going to school here. I would not know where to start and even how to apply here. Anyways, I am applying to an American university that is reputable and very competitive. I may not get in so I'm a little worried about this. But, I can try since there is no harm in trying. They asked me about the highest degree I received and they were impressed. I don't know why it matters. But, they are competitive so they want people with doctorates. I don't know what it has to do with medical/ science writing. I also have a high undergrad gpa. Again, I don't know why this matters. I think all that should matter is if I can write or not. I can write but not well. This is the reason I'm applying to this program so I can learn to write decently. I took the bare minimum of writing courses as an undergrad but took a heck of a lot of science courses. I don't know if this matters. But, my writing is poor at best. I want to improve. Also, I thought about it and realize if I don't keep myself busy that I'm going to revert to my bad behavior of seeking abusive men. Thus, I want to remain busy and productive as much as possible. Of course, I want to remain healthy and stable as well. So, playing hard and working hard is my motto now. I'm so much happier now that I'm working and am free. Life is so much more manageable. I will see what happens overall. I could have regrets that I'm old and not making that much, But, I realize I have challenges that others don't have. Thus, I am doing well despite having many setbacks.

No worries. I totally understand that!

I think you will do awesome at any university and grad program! You seem to have the passion, the skills, the grades, and all that - even though you see beyond all those superficial things and look at the heart of the matter when it comes to writing. I, too, have stellar grades from my undergrad years (straight As from 2010 on, but didn't do well in the 1990s - long break of 2 decades changed me LOL). I chose the wrong major and courses, so I'm not competitive at all. I would need to make up for my lapse by going to grad school and then getting a new recommendation pool for doctoral programs, if that is something I could still do in the future. I'm almost at the point of giving up on that dream though.

Anyway, I think you could do it. You sound like you have a great plan, and it also sounds like you're taking care of yourself wherever you are. Hopefully you are healing and doing the best you can for you!

SprinkL3, if you are interested in going to a medical or science writing program, I highly suggest that you apply to a reputable program. I looked around and found some good programs. But, these programs are highly competitive and want stellar credentials as well as someone who can write well. The best program I found is UC Santa Cruz's science writing program. You don't need a doctorate but need research experience. Also, you need GRE's and letters of recommendation. It is one of the best programs in science writing and if you are a resident of California, the tuition is rather cheap compared to other programs. I am into medical writing so want to go to a program with an option for a hospital experience. Also, I want to go to a program that is doable anywhere around the world. Thus, the Johns Hopkins program is the most suitable for me. If you are interested in applying here as well, I would get in touch with the program coordinators to see if you are competitive. You seem to like writing so why don't you look into it? The tuition here is about 35, 000 dollars for the whole program, that is if you don't need room and board. I
am applying for next year and am trying to get my application together. I think the program is also very competitive so I don't want to apply if I don't have my act together. I also don't want to just get into the program but also want to be able to finish it given that I have to take out loans to pay for it. The other good program in the USA is MIT's program and there is also one in North Carolina which is just as good. I don't know if you want to do science writing or just want to write. Science/ medical writing is technical writing. You have to be familiar with the jargon of the field you choose to work in. Also, science/ medical writing is hard to break into. Finally, the jobs are mostly freelance jobs and don't pay a steady income unless you are established.

SprinkL3, since you are writing all over this website, maybe you should look into writing as a job. You don't need to be a science/ medical writer but can do other things with a writing degree, such as teaching or editing. I like writing as well but am not so creative. I also like the sciences and am familiar with the medical field since I used to be a doctor. You are not too old yet so I highly encourage you to look into writing or science writing. I am a little older than you and am pursuing this path also. I would not let your past determine your future. If you want to write for a living, then please look for means to do it.

My philosophy is if I can do it, so can you. If you don't want to incur a huge loan, then you can still write for a living by just applying for jobs and having a portfolio of your writings. I may or may not apply still after all of this. I have to see how my motivation holds up and see if it is feasible. But, since you enjoy writing, I would look into getting paid to write or at least see if you can make a living from it. Best wishes!

I have published a peer-reviewed paper already, so I do have that experience. I had a falling out with a research mentor, so that killed my dreams. I also had deteriorating mental health issues going on, too. I was a clinical psych major. My emphasis was on trauma heterogeneity. I've since switched to victimization, as it also relates to trauma heterogeneity. It's a different field altogether.

My other research mentor - the one I get along with - is now retired. He is playing it super safe to keep himself and his family safe, since he has just battled cancer. I only contact him a couple of times out of the year, but he might not be available anymore for a recommendation.

My newer mentors are not research mentors. One is a professional development mentor who is a member of the American Psychological Association (and within the UC system in California), so I could ask her about the stuff you mentioned. I am just too afraid. California is where I grew up with all my abuse, so I am terrified of returning. But I can still contact that mentor, though she's not able to write me a recommendation since she's only a professional development mentor of mine.

My other newer mentor can write me a letter of recommendation, but he takes a very controversial stance, as I helped him with research that uses critical race theory, including inclusivity, diversity, cultural competency, LGBTQ+ community, racism awareness, disability awareness, minority veterans, and more. He is both a veteran as well as a teacher (not tenured) as well as a social worker as well as an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community for the Veterans Administration as well as a reserve officer or reserve enlisted, I believe, so he is still in the military. I'm a veteran, so I could see about qualifying for the VRE program at the VA, but I AM NOT READY! I'm a huge hot mess with my dissociative disorders, my physiological disorders, my chronic fatigue disorder, my brain fog, my depression, my prediabetes now, and my possible thyroid conditions (which I have yet to go in for more tests to confirm hypothyroidism). I've not been able to fix any of this yet. I'm in therapy twice a week, and my therapist - who trains others as well as used to be a consultant for the FBI - suggested that she could help me if I were ready to apply for grad programs. I thought that was sweet, but she and I know that I'm not ready right now.

My T said that the "bad mentor" whom I had a falling out with was, indeed, not being ethical with me. So that experience totally retraumatized me. I don't even know if I could pass the GRE at this point. I'm terrified of getting my driver's license. And I have straight-A backgrounds at two recent colleges, but I am terrified again of taking tests now. I'm also too scared of leaving my apartment. I'm a mess.

I feel awful and horrible - as if all of my dreams were shattered by this pandemic.

I fear that if I do try, people will attack me for being Asian.

There are too many Asians being attacked, including students. Being that I'm an OLDER Asian, I'm even more at risk of being attacked! I'm also multiracial, obese, disabled, short, and female - everything that ableists, agists, and racists would hate - even if they aren't proclaimed bigots. I experienced this enough at a university and with one of my 5 mentors. I know that it would only be worse now that this pandemic brought out all that in a very bad way. I'm not ready to face all that!

I'm also not ready to get all these medical bills for getting severely ill from either the flu or the coronavirus. I have immunocompromising conditions, so the vaccines will weaken on me.

I'm doing what I can to reverse my prediabetes and see about managing my newfound thyroid problems. I'm still in therapy for my dissociation and PTSD, but now I have pandemic-related illnesses.

I'm just sad because it is my passion to do research and write, but I feel the world hates me - and academia is the #1 hater of people like me. I've felt it, experienced it pre-pandemic. It's only gotten worse now.

And my current work with CRT with one of my mentors will only make it that much harder for me to be taken seriously in a world that hates CRT now. My research is completely over! It's gone. There is NO FUTURE with CRT - ever! A new paradigm must be invented.

And I do agree with some of the flaws that CRT brings, but to find a mentor who is willing to discuss the issues with CRT from a unbiased view - from a moderate stance - would be incredibly challenging.

Anyway, to bring that up here on these forums or anywhere would only bring more arguments, hate, and ad-hominem attacks that I don't deserve. I both agree and disagree with CRT, but I don't agree with banishing it altogether from lesson plans for adults in college and above. I do agree that there are flaws, and that the way it's being administered to even people like me are highly harmful (Asians, for instance, have been labeled "white adjacent" or "white passing," and that is offensive as well as minimizing because Asians have historically been harmed in terms of racial traumas, historical traumas, etc.). But, I also believe that there is this anti-white bias that most people aren't addressing either. If we are to look at the pure behavioral aspect of bigotry (not racism, but rather just pure bigotry - in the sense that the maladaptive behavior is disliking that which is different from you, based on schemas, stereotypes, false attributions, and systemic issues), then we will see that anyone can be a victim as well as a perpetrator of such biases, and that we all need help to deal with these culture-bound effects of systemic issues. It's not a one-against-the-other war that everyone is claiming. It's rather an issue of a lack of mindfulness because of our culture-bound blinders.

In terms of victimization, yes, all persons - including white persons - have been victims of bigotry, including false attributions, ad-hominem attacks, microaggressions, and more - regardless of whether it is substantiated in criminal or civil courts.

So, if I want to include bigotry as a form of traumatic victimization, or trauma heterogeneity, with different outcomes, different symptoms, and different levels of community support (being a protective factor against traumatic sequelae), it would need to be supported by mentors and politicized academia. They would not see this as a benefit at all.

In fact, I'd be hated by both sides - the left and the right - because I'm not conforming to either one. I'm sick of the polarization already, and it's harmed our higher ed now. It's hard to see where there would be a place for me at all. People just want to shove it under the rug (the right) or shout it from the rooftops (the left). I just want to see true science come to fruition. It's hard to see that when the government has waivered on their scientific facts because of political infiltration in their ranks. So the integrity of science and higher ed being funded largely by the NIH are all under attack. Again, it's hard to see a future for me - a person whom the NIH would probably just see as a "liability," as opposed to another voice, another research angle with creative ideas. I'd just be hated by all.

So, that's where I stand. I hope you don't hate me for this, now that I just got my two cents out there.

I do feel very honored that you'd take notice in my own passions.

I'd rather just cheerlead people like you on, in hopes that our world's and nation's future become more bright.

SprinkL3, you need to take care of yourself. I used to be prediabetic also and lost weight quickly by going on an exercise and diet regimen. I walked about five miles a day and ate nothing but chicken salads for a while with nuts and dried fruit. I think you should really be proactive about your health first and foremost. I was also obese once but lost weight as I mentioned. I was over 100 pounds overweight and now am about 20 to 30 pounds overweight. I am a lot healthier now and have more stamina. I am also more attractive and this has helped with my self-esteem. I am not high maintenance but do try to take some time to look good on a daily basis.

I understand your perspective about being an Asian female with a disability. I urge you to find self-confidence in who you are by taking care of your health and appearance. This will go a long way. My mother was from the opposite spectrum and always told me looks don't matter. B.S! Appearances matter in this world, unfortunately. And, they matter more in the Asian parts of this world. I don't mean you should dye your hair blonde and wear blue contacts. I mean look your best to feel good about yourself. I look pretty good for my age- about 20 years younger. It has helped me at times. Some women are mean to me despite this, but I don't really worry about it. I think from my perspective what other people say or do to you is not as important as how you feel about yourself. Please don't worry too much about racism, ageism, or any -isms. Please worry about your health and appearance. I promise you that you will feel better about yourself once you have your health and appearance under your control. I am also a victim of racism and ageism. I say heck to that. Nobody is perfect. But, how we feel about ourselves is important. So, let the naysayers do as they please. If they feel like kicking us around, so be it. But, if you feel good about yourself, no matter what others say or do to you, you should stand tall and be proud of yourself.

Just my two cents.

I also need braces, which my parents couldn't afford. My mom being Asian was NOT rich, never attended college, and struggled with both her marriages. She, too, was discriminated against by her own Asian family for marrying a "Howly" (i.e., "white man"). She also struggled with domestic violence from my father, as did my sister and I. My Caucasian father was racist and would say racial slurs about Asians and other groups, despite him loving us when he was sober and apologetic at times about his own racism. To experience racism from my own father, and then to see it happen to my mother in violent terms, were ultimate betrayal traumas for me.

Therefore, my identity crisis, my racial trauma background, my historical traumas that compound even childhood experience, and today's vicarious and direct racial trauma threats are very real to me. It's not something I can ignore or just shrug off, as there are serious threats - especially in red states with known extremist forces, some of which have infiltrated the veteran groups out here (I'm a veteran). Thus, I do fear for my life, and I do need to "watch my six."

I am slowly working in therapy on all of this, so that I can eventually find safe ways to function, such as finding supportive friends to help me with rides or what not, doing my recreational rehabilitation walks, dealing with my physical health providers, and seeing my psychotherapist twice a week online. I can't do it all at once, and all of my clinicians tell me to take it slow when making life changes, so that such life changes stick over time. It's not something that I can change overnight. There are also medical and other factors that I have to wait on to see what is the best route for me, given the interaction of multiple issues going on at once.

That said, I do agree that appearances are important. People will discriminate based on looks - and that's just a reality. If you're poor, they can tell by the way you dress (they will recognize off-brands versus name-brands), by your teeth (if your teeth are straight and white, you're good; if you're missing teeth or dealing with crooked, stained teeth, you're not so good), by the way you sit, by the way you hold your posture, by the way you walk (especially with the tuck, tail, and turn), by your weight, by your height, and even by your race. Sadly, anti-discrimination laws coupled with affirmative action laws (if they even exist) do little justice at deterring discrimination. It's systemic. And that is precisely why there are researchers in the social sciences working on ways to find divergent means at solving these issues so that the under-privileged have equal opportunities (i.e., equity, not "equality") to upwardly mobilize - and that could be whether they are hired or accepted into a grad program. Such research is beneficial, and it's one of my many passions. Sadly, I disagree with the ways in which we need to emphasize our looks. For some people, such as burn victims, or even people like me with irreparable facial scarring from childhood and adulthood acne, can do little to afford (especially since we're not rich) cosmetic surgeries to improve our looks. And even then, it's clear that we will have residual flaws that no amount of nip-tucks will resolve. Not every is privileged with being beautiful, and not everyone can lose weight, for that matter.

Some can, and that's great. Some can reverse certain diseases and illnesses, and that's great, too. But others cannot. It doesn't mean that they are failures or lazy or simply at fault for their diseases and outlooks on life. Nor does it also mean that they deserve the lowest positions on earth either.

But therein lies the breaking point where politics begin and psychotherapeutic support ends. And here is why it is challenging for certain minorities to even bring up what is bothering them - because they are almost always met with the nuances of politics (in particular, identity politics), whether either party wishes to discuss this or not. The choices in how we respond to one another, how we defend our own stances, how we support one another, or how we even describe our pains and issues are - at least nowadays - all political.

So I will end this here, since this thread was really in me support you - not the other way around (though I appreciate your help and efforts in doing so and allowing me a voice, nonetheless).

I really just wanted to support you in your endeavors.

And when I shared what I am going through, it was really a "downward comparison" of sorts, meaning that you have more areas of privilege than you realize, and that I think you will go far in life. Not everyone has the same gifts and opportunities as you do.

I'm 47 years old. It's probably too late for me anyways.

SprinkL3, I totally understand how you feel about your situation. My parents are not rich but worked hard to earn their money although we are still not rich.

As for braces, I never had them either. It's not part of my parents' culture to pay for braces. My teeth are crooked on the bottom but this has not stopped me. I also don't wear brand-name clothes. I wear second-hand clothes from what they call recycle shops here.

I am poor but strive to maintain my health and appearance. I was homeless once also and know the meaning of down and out. I am not privileged but did work hard as an undergrad. I became sick in medical school and this was my downfall. I struggled to do my best despite my weight gain and poor appearance. I experienced much racism and discrimination because of my looks and ill health. People walked all over me since I looked bad and felt bad.

Now, I am still poor and am working to make ends meet. I live within my means. I don't travel or party. I don't have vices that take a toll on my looks except that I'm slightly overweight and need to lose about 20 pounds. Honestly, I am not superficial but the world is. I really don't care about others' looks too much but do worry about mine. People do judge you by how you look especially if you don't know them.

My father works because he came from poverty and had absolutely nothing. He used to pick grapes as a laborer in California and worked his way up in life by being smart about his life. He owns his own business now since he and my mother sacrificed everything to earn a living. He only has a seventh-grade education. But, he worked damn hard. He also never had a father figure and was treated really badly by his maternal family for being born without a father figure. He never had shoes and never went to the dentist. He ate potatoes for most of his life. He has come a long way since then but he works, I know, because he does not want to be in poverty anymore.

I understand that some people judge you by the clothes that you wear or your physical appearance. But, I want you to understand that your health is in your hands. You can do something about it by taking care of yourself. I know it is hard when life is so difficult. But, your health is under your control. I would stop blaming others and outside circumstances for neglecting your health. You don't have to wear brand-name clothes to look good either. I don't. I want to feel better though and know I must lose some more weight. I am not skinny but chubby. This is not good either.

Poverty and ill health are a bad combination. This path you are taking will lead to more misery. I urge you to take your health seriously by taking care of yourself. I also have acne scars but wear makeup to soften them. I also have rosacea and am red as a beet without makeup. I do admit I am blessed for what I have although it is not much. I spend my money on looking good by wearing makeup and lotions. But, I don't have that much money to spend so am just eking by somehow.

So, I would make the best out of your situation by trying to figure out what you can do within your means to take care of yourself. You used to smoke cigarettes too, I understand. I never had such a bad habit. Also, I don't drink alcohol. So, my only vice is eating sweets. I am not perfect but strive to make the most out of my situation. As I said before, I was disabled about four years ago and could not take care of myself. So, if you have similar issues of not being able to take care of yourself, you must not live by yourself if you can help it. I lived with my family during this time and realized if I don't help myself I was going down the drain. Thus, I am compliant with my medication now. I also try not to gain too much weight anymore although I am overweight still. I am doing better because I know how it is like to not take care of myself and be down and out.

I know life is hard for you as it is for me. But, you must find the light in your life. Please find a way to feel good about yourself somehow. I know that poverty and lack of self-care can make you look unappealing to others. So, at least try to find some ways to feel good in life. It could be just walking around or exercising. It could be eating healthier. I don't know what makes you happy. For me, it is being healthy and looking my best.

Racism, ageism, and sexism will always be around. Nothing will change. But, we can change ourselves and feel better about ourselves. Please don't let bad people define your outlook on life. Please try to find something that makes you happy. I am happy now because I am doing what I like and am doing well. I am not rich nor that attractive. I am healthier now and feel good about it. It is not too late to change your outlook on life. I am older than you. I was homeless about eight years ago. I again was disabled about four years ago. It is never too late to change and make a better life for yourself. Please take the first step by taking care of yourself and by finding happiness from within.

@bpforever1 - (((( THANK YOU! ))))

I'm so sorry you dealt with racism and discrimination, and I'm sorry you got ill in med school. Wow - you must be super smart to have made it to med school - passing the MCAT and all that med school entails! That's an accomplishment right there!

But I know loss like that must take a toll. I'm so sorry.

I wish I had more confidence like you. I'm really struggling with my PTSD. When I think I'm brave, I dissociate and then I become terrified again. I don't know how to just snap out of it.

The strange part is, there are times when I'm super confident and brave - but those times are usually very chaotic, desperate times. When that's over, I tend to fall apart and get worried the chaos will begin again. I suppose my nerves have had it with being prepared and ready for any and every attack - which inevitably comes - at least for me, including so-called "friendly fire" (as my alters named it, which is to say "betrayal trauma" from those who were supposed to be on my side but harmed me instead).

I'm fatigued, so I had to take a rest. I just came on now to read your message. Sorry I didn't reply earlier. But I will respond more later on. I want to re-read your latest reply to me again.

You're an inspiration to me. I'm just not sure I have the energy to do a lot of things these days. I want to. I was so confident in the past. I was voted chapter president of an honor society and secretary of two different honor societies. I was confident back then, but then it waned, and my term only lasted one semester (instead of a year) because I was way too fatigued. That at least gave someone else the opportunity to have a leadership role on their record. So I was happy about that. I thought it would probably be better to have a different officer election each semester, which would help many students get the opportunities for leadership. But they don't like changes like that, so I just went with the flow.

Anyway, I'm not the same person anymore. I'm feeling very old at the moment, and I'm trying to find my way back to health. I wished that they wouldn't wait for abnormal labs to warn me about all these things. If, for instance, they warned me when they saw a rise in approaching abnormal, for instance, then I would have been at least forewarned before it got this bad. I hate that prevention is shunned in this country. We only have tertiary prevention these days, meaning after an abnormal case or outbreak, and even that gets shunned. People just want treatments and miracle cures; they don't like prevention, it seems. I have no idea why - at least not yet. I'm sure there is some theories on that. Many economic, who knows.

I hope you have a great day. Thanks so much for talking with me.

PS: Sorry I hijacked your thread.

I learned the most from my life experiences, not from my going to school. I consider my highest achievement to having recovered from homelessness and not choosing to be a prostitute although at the time I could have been one since I ran out of money. I was a stripper at a bar for a while until some other person stole my tips that I left in my purse. Stupid me, I did not know that others could be so vile and mean. I learned a lot from this experience though. I met some pimps and drug dealers and quickly learned that kind of life is not for me. So, I got help and called my family then went back home. I was non-compliant at the time. I never forgot the experience of sleeping on benches in front of a church at night because I could not pay for a motel and the shelter was full. I learned quickly the streets are cold and mean. But, I survived to tell my tale of woe and desperation. I am mentally ill and realized if I don't change, then my life will always be in the gutter. Nobody really bothered me except strange men who kept trying to sleep with me. I don't know how I managed to stay clean and away from getting involved with men although I was a stripper for a short while. I took showers at the shelter and got fed once a day by the Rescue Mission. I met some unsavory people and a lot of other mentally ill people. It made me sad. But, I got away from it since my family took me back. I was lucky since my mother wanted me back, not my father. So, life is harsh at times. I will continue this later since I have to teach again.

Aw, @bpforever1 - (((( safe hugs ))))

I'm so sorry you went through all that!

I was homeless and had experienced some traumas, but not to the extent that you did. I'm so sorry!

You definitely have a lot of life experience - and probably both street smarts and book smarts - as they say.

Thankfully, I never fell into that life. I was approached by a madam when I was homeless at some point, but I was able to escape that somehow. I don't know how. So I never had to deal with all that you did.

I can't imagine how much of a struggle it was for you to transition from that to where you are today. Wow, that must have taken all your energy!

I'm glad you're still alive!

Thank you for being brave enough to share that with me and this forum.

I've decided not to apply for the grad program since it will put me into debt and not really change my lifestyle. I thought about it and realize at my age that incurring debt is not a good idea. I will be ok with what I have. I am feeling good about myself and doing well otherwise. I thought that getting a master's would be a wise decision if I could translate it into a higher-paying job. At my age, it is unlikely to happen. I don't have any regrets about not applying. I came to my conclusion after coming to an understanding that I'm having a hard enough time just getting by with what I have. If I add any more responsibilities, I'm going to crash. I am doing well as it is but don't know when I will relapse again. This thought always will loom in the back of my mind. I like working and doing things. But, I also enjoy my free time and doing things I like. I will be ok no matter what.