[MacabreMagpie]

Hey all,

So here's my story. From my late teens, I experienced a depression combined with extreme social anxieties that made me go into myself somewhat. My older sister also suffered from depression but my well-meaning parents couldn't accept that their daughter needed to see a therapist whenever she asked to, so I always kept it to myself. Despite having a good circle of friends, I found it very difficult to socialise (and when I did, I almost always had to sneak away at some point due to feeling overwhelmed) and I'd also get a lot of verbal abuse whenever I left the house, due to my "alternative" appearance. Combine this with obsessive thoughts - I'd often lay in bed with the words "kill yourself" thumping over and over and worrying that I might lose control and murder my family - and this was a pretty bleak time in my life. I constantly thought of suicide but I don't think I'd ever go through with it.

My 20s got progressively better as I spent more time working with the general public, but I really began to make progress at around 25 when I enrolled, last-minute, to take an Art Degree course and give my life long hobby a shot as a potential career. I'd also been reading a lot of philosophy and psychology books over the previous couple of years and was beginning to develop an (albeit limited) understanding of the human psyche, which was allowing me to contextualise my state of mind and find better ways to respond to the despair that had begun to arrive in a predictable wave-like fashion without any external cause (a fact easier to determine now that my life, itself, was less fraught with anxiety). A few years later my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder but I chose not to medicate it for reasons I'm about to explain.

I mentioned pursuing art as a career and I'm happy to say that I've done nothing else since graduating in 2010. I go through periods of intense productivity (sometimes working right through the days for weeks on end), which I only realised last year was a manifestation of mania, for me. I've also largely trained myself out of the social anxiety of my teens - I'll still occasionally worry about how I'm perceived, but I'm a lot more comfortable around people and also carry myself with a greater air of confidence which has virtually eliminated all of the verbal abuse I'd usually receive. And so the reason I've chosen not to go down the medication route is that I don't want it to affect my productivity or change anything about who I am - it's almost like a symbiotic relationship and I've developed my own coping mechanisms.

The above is not to be mistaken for me claiming to have beaten my Bipolar Disorder as I still suffer with the lows (I'm actually in the midst of a mild low right now, a couple of which usually surround one period of deep despair per year), but I can at least say that I feel I have some level of control over how I let it it affect myself. I've been able to observe some of my behaviour in the past whilst manic (including spending sprees and binge eating) and, though occasionally I'll give in, I'm becoming more disciplined and have not had any major "episodes" for years. I've also enforced a shift-schedule for my artwork to ensure that I'm working regular hours (besides those times when an insane deadline demands extra work) to allow myself time to indulge in those other areas of life that I might otherwise miss out on.

I must admit that I do have those nights during the lows when I wonder why the hell I'm doing this to myself (and my sister suffered a nervous breakdown last year which made me reevaluate my position), but overall I'd say I'm in the happy zone 75-80% of the time. I was just curious as to whether anyone has a similar experience, here and peoples views on avoiding medication.

[live2ski66]

It sounds like you are well informed and self aware. You also seem to have a collection of tools that serve you well. When you say you are in the happy zone 75-80% of the time, is that with meds or without? If it is with meds, there is a very good chance this will change. I would talk to your PDoc and tell him your intentions. Let him design a plan to get off the meds so you don't experience too many withdrawal symptoms. See how it works without meds.
From personal experience, there was a period when I was off meds, then i got a divorce, my life changed radically and I found myself asking for meds. Now I'm in my late 40's and my hormones are changing. I'm going in for a meds eval to see if I need to change the regimen.

I believe that the proper meds in the proper doses are tremendously helpful. No one benefits from being overmedicated.

[MacabreMagpie]

Thanks for your replies, people.

Sorry if I wasn't clear, just to clarify - I've never been on medication. I worked through the condition for 5-6 years before I was diagnosed and by that point I'd developed my own coping mechanisms so chose to continue that way.