[AdamAW]

Hi folks,

well, Christmas is almost upon us and for many this means a time of family get togethers, and sometimes family tensions. So I thought that it might be relevant and topical to draw people's attention to Chapter 13 of the book which explains a whole series of inter-personal skills that people can learn.

For me the very idea of inter-personal skills is encouraging - we don't need to be stuck with our default mode of functioning (see 'What is not self-help', Chapter 1) but can work to become better in terms of both understanding ourselves and relating to others.

A particular favorite of mine is "I" statements which is a method for acknowledging the personal nature of our thoughts and feelings in relation to others, rather than expressing our feelings towards others in an accusatory or pseudo-objective way. It's worth taking a look at this method (I'm unable to provide a link at present as a new member, sorry, you will find the method within chapter 13 of the book).

A word of caution is perhaps in order though: "I" statements are essentially an appeal for the other person to show compassion. If the other person is unlikely to be capable of responding with compassion it may be unwise for us to make such statements (see also the section on Self-disclosure in Chapter 13).

We may also feel a bit silly if we were to make such statements all the time; but the really crucial point about this method, for me, is that it informs us of the self-deception that often lies behind "you" statements, (and much of the way that we normally talk!) and encourages us to take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings about people and situations, and to acknowledge them as our OWN thoughts and feelings - and not the statements of objective fact that we often present them as (i.e."I sometimes find feel a bit upset by your behaviour and wish you were able to show me more consideration." as opposed to "You are inconsiderate" Are they really always so?)

So in summary I would say that it will always help us to term our own thoughts and feelings in terms of "I" statements, but that we should use our intelligence in deciding whether it will be wise to express those statements to others - how will they be likely to respond at this time?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by AdamAW

A word of caution is perhaps in order though: "I" statements are essentially an appeal for the other person to show compassion.

I don't see that as being necessarily true at all. An "I" statement reflects your ability to feel that you are worth stating something directly, and are able to understand and take ownership of your own feelings and thoughts. It does not depend on others' willingness to show "compassion" at all, rather your own willingness and ability to cope with whatever reaction the other person comes up with.

[AdamAW]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I don't see that as being necessarily true at all. An "I" statement reflects your ability to feel that you are worth stating something directly, and are able to understand and take ownership of your own feelings and thoughts. It does not depend on others' willingness to show "compassion" at all, rather your own willingness and ability to cope with whatever reaction the other person comes up with.

Thanks for picking up on this pachyderm,

it occured to me after I'd written this that this point was a bit of an over-simplification, so I'm quite pleased in a way that you picked up on this.

I think that your points are right. We are not dependent on others' willingness to show us compassion in order to be able to make "I" statements, and this is not the only circumstance under which it is good to use them. But I think it is also fair to say that there may be circumstances in which what we are hoping for IS to be shown compassion and understanding.

In those circumstances it may be unwise for us to make "I" statements if such compassion is unlikely to be forthcoming.

[drclay]

Originally Posted by AdamAW

Hi folks,

well, Christmas is almost upon us and for many this means a time of family get togethers, and sometimes family tensions. So I thought that it might be relevant and topical to draw people's attention to Chapter 13 of the book which explains a whole series of inter-personal skills that people can learn.

For me the very idea of inter-personal skills is encouraging - we don't need to be stuck with our default mode of functioning (see 'What is not self-help', Chapter 1) but can work to become better in terms of both understanding ourselves and relating to others.

A particular favorite of mine is "I" statements which is a method for acknowledging the personal nature of our thoughts and feelings in relation to others, rather than expressing our feelings towards others in an accusatory or pseudo-objective way. It's worth taking a look at this method (I'm unable to provide a link at present as a new member, sorry, you will find the method within chapter 13 of the book).

A word of caution is perhaps in order though: "I" statements are essentially an appeal for the other person to show compassion. If the other person is unlikely to be capable of responding with compassion it may be unwise for us to make such statements (see also the section on Self-disclosure in Chapter 13).

We may also feel a bit silly if we were to make such statements all the time; but the really crucial point about this method, for me, is that it informs us of the self-deception that often lies behind "you" statements, (and much of the way that we normally talk!) and encourages us to take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings about people and situations, and to acknowledge them as our OWN thoughts and feelings - and not the statements of objective fact that we often present them as (i.e."I sometimes find feel a bit upset by your behaviour and wish you were able to show me more consideration." as opposed to "You are inconsiderate" Are they really always so?)

So in summary I would say that it will always help us to term our own thoughts and feelings in terms of "I" statements, but that we should use our intelligence in deciding whether it will be wise to express those statements to others - how will they be likely to respond at this time?

Thank you, Adam, for your plug for I statements. The "I" statements accept our part of the responsibility for what has been none or said in the past, rather than just blaming the other person.

Glad to see you posting on here.

Clay

[by.grace]

Thank you, AdamAW, for reminding me of one of the strongest tools I can use for personal empowerment.



I am grateful to those who did respond with compassion as I tentatively tried to express my feelings or requests. Those first successes encouraged me.



I became aware of all the times I had handed over control of my emotions to someone else, ie. "You make me so mad when you..." or "You hurt me so much when you...". Just pausing long enough to rephrase allowed me to decide, more & more frequently, that I could chose not to get mad or hurt, to retain control myself.



Yes, there were times I was open & honest with someone who was not & that taught me more. As Kahlil Gibran said, "I have learned silence from the talkative; tolerance from the intolerant & kindness from the unkind. I should not be ungrateful to those teachers."


It's so much more fun to thank someone who's tried to hurt you. It's easier to smile as I think, "How thoughtful of you to offer me this opportunity to practice discernment. Bye!"



I am particularly grateful to everyone here at Psy Cnt for their teaching, caring, & inspiration. Now I'm finally finding some answers to the questions I've been asking.

[Fuzzybear]

[pachyderm]

Now I've forgotten what that fish is supposed to mean...