[BillyTalent1992]

Hello to everyone in the Psych Central form!

I’ve been meaning to ask for advice via an online forum for a while now but for whatever reason (most likely the fear that I’m beyond help) I’ve avoided doing so. I still thought it was worth having a go so I finally convinced myself to sit down and get typing. I’ve never tried this before but I’ll try to be as concise as possible so without further ado here we go.

For the longest time now, I’ve wanted to ‘reinvent myself’ into a happier, more productive, energetic and independent individual and to be happier in my own skin. I have vague ideas on where to start but any time I try to focus my efforts on positive change, I almost feel paralysed by the thought. This usually leads to distraction and procrastination (often sleeping the day away, overeating or sitting in front of YouTube videos or my xbox) and a never-ending cycle of anxiety, disappointment, frustration, sadness and ultimately nothing useful getting done. I just want to embrace the aspirations I have for myself (graphic design, music, charity work) but find it difficult to do when I’m so self-critical and lacking in self-esteem.

Just to briefly provide a little bit of background, I’m twenty-five years old and work as a full-time graphic designer for the local newspaper. I was diagnosed with clinical depression during my late teens and asperger’s syndrome three years ago. I’ve been in and out of various counselling and psychotherapy groups and have been on a variety of anti-depressant medications ever since and have been involved with mindfulness and well-being workshops all in attempts to reach the goal detailed above, seemingly to no avail.

I know it’s impossible to paint an accurate picture of myself in such a small space (especially for people who’ve never met me before) but I suppose what I’m hoping is that upon reading this, someone from the forum can relate to what I’ve described and is able to advise me on how to approach this task in a more realistic and manageable way. If I can help to shed some more light on what I’m experiencing, I’d be more than happy to do so on this thread or by private message.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this message and for any help that I receive. I hope I didn't waffle on too much and I look forward to hearing from members of the forum.

Thank you!

[Piglette]

I am going through this same thing. I know that the time to "reinvent" myself is now, but it's a huge struggle. It's a combination of natural resistance to change, and the long-held negative beliefs about ourselves. They are working together to keep us held down. Habits are hard to change for everyone, especially those like us with depression. Don't be hard on yourself - I've learned it takes time.

Having a plan for the day helps. You have ideas where to start, could you set a day/time to put these ideas into action? I find having a schedule for each day is helpful to avoid procrastinating in front of the computer or TV screen. But it might require thinking about YouTube and xbox differently, too. "I don't actually want to be doing this, this is wasting my time that I actually want to use for something else." We have to focus on that thought, no matter how fun this game or video is, this isn't what we want to actually be doing, and so, in that respect, it isn't fun at all. We have to turn off the video and sit and listen to ourselves. If we're unhappy, the activity has made us feel crap. Therefore, activity is crap. I think it's looking at "fun distractions" differently, as time-wasters which, in the end, cause frustration and unhappiness. Having an idea of something else to do instead that's potentially productive and progressive is needed, otherwise just turning off the video makes us feel lost. And we'll probably just put it back on again.

I've started journaling, which I keep writing about on here, but it is very helpful. You don't need to keep a journal, but writing is beneficial in many ways. Write your ideas, the actions required, set a day for them. One of these things you do instead of xbox, which is a crap-feeling activity. Perhaps label activities as "crap-feeling" and "good-feeling!"

It's hard and it takes quite a bit of time. And mentally exhausting effort. I've gotten to a point where I absolutely hate my current lifestyle, and the pain I feel about that is so unbearable that I'm slowly getting the determination required to change habits, both physical and mental. We need to feel deep within us, "I cannot do this unhappiness and torture." And decide on a deep level that we've had enough of it. I have zero self esteem, but I know I need to "have myself" (my own support, my own friendship, my own back) in order to have the courage. I'm dealing with something right now that requires a great deal of courage (for me), and my own friendship. I haven't yet "made up" with myself, but allowing myself much-needed peace and a better life is a good start.

[unaluna]

Twyla Tharp qrote a book about her process. You can always try The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Or try an A.R.T.S. meeting - Artists Recovering Thru the Twelve Steps. I have found all of these helpful. Im still a work in progress!

[BillyTalent1992]

Hi Piglette & unaluna!

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate the time you've taken to read through my ramblings and to leave some feedback. I find it's so easy these days to forget I'm not the only one going through unpleasant times and that I'm not the only 'work in progress'. It's a comforting thing to realise and I hope you're both gradually finding your way as I hope to myself.

As a bit of an update, I actually visited my doctor today to discuss the difficulties I'm currently experiencing and I was prescribed clomipramine, an antidepressant I haven't taken before which he believes may be more useful than those I've taken before. I'm also starting some courses with the local Recovery College as of next week so hopefully things will slowly be moving in a more positive direction sooner rather than later.

@Piglette: Really enjoyed reading your advice, the way you referred to your own 'reinvention' perfectly summarises how I feel towards my own in a way I couldn't put into words. I think another thing I forget is that these things take time. I'm far too impatient for my own good and forget to see the bigger picture. I often assume the way things are at the moment is how they'll be forever as ridiculous as that sounds.

Funnily enough, I recently made a weekly schedule for myself trying to factor in my job, personal projects and self-care (exercise, cooking, cleaning etc.), it's just keeping focused on and committed to it that I find to be most difficult; that and the fact it still never feels like there's enough time in the day for it all.

I think that you're right about changing my mindset towards certain distractions as hard as it can be to do. I also agree with how useful writing can be, I tend to specialise in song lyrics myself as I find those based on negative experiences are often the most beautiful and poignant (a silver lining I suppose).

I must admit that I'm super lucky to be in a job that I enjoy going to every day and that I have a loving and supportive family but I totally agree that the help I need most of all has to come from me. Much like how you described yourself though, I have zero self esteem and find this really hard to do.. Hopefully it'll come in time and I'll find the patience, strength and courage necessary to push through as it sounds like you're doing at the moment. Good luck with everything that's going on at the moment.

@unaluna: Thank you for the recommendations, I'll have to check those books out at some stage! I already have a few on the list including 'Awaken the Giant Within' by Tony Robbins (suggested to me after I watched his brilliant documentary 'I Am Not Your Guru'), so I'd better get my butt in gear and get to reading!

[Sunflower123]

Kudos to you on wanting to reinvent yourself. Anything by Tony Robbins is great. It takes time and patience. Don't try to change everything at once. One small step at a time will be successful. Good luck and best wishes.