Trying to Move Forward

Because of what happened with my current relationship, where my boyfriend cheated on me twice as well as going through a recent abortion, my anxiety became incredibly unmanageable and I would have attacks everyday. This would cause me to miss my lectures throughout this year, which caused me to finish the courses really late. Although most of my professors helped me out and allowed me to finish the material in the summer without much consequences, which really helped me out. But I feel like such a failure because I wasn't able to hold it together and did not do well and missed a lot of classes. Because of this as well as what happened to me, I fell into a depression.

I don't trust my parents with this information, I just told them that I had anxiety and depression due to the huge amount of stress from school (which isn't entirely wrong). I only hid that portion of my story because I felt like I wouldn't be support since we are not that close.

I did see a therapist at the university since it was available to me as a student, but now I am back home, where I don't have a therapist I can go to since I am not under my parent's insurance...

I had a setback last week where I started venting and lashing out really badly on multiple occasions and I hurt my boyfriend emotionally. I regret it a lot and I feel incredibly guilty for being that way. Whenever I do have my attacks and start venting out, I don't feel like myself because I say and do things that I would not normally do. That the real me would never say or do.

I started looking up support groups both online and in person, so I hope this forum really helps me uncloud my mind and help me recuperate during this time by myself. I'm also exercising a lot more, which also has helped me. My boyfriend still supports me tremendously and so does my friends.

I just feel really hopeless sometimes because of my attacks that have been worse this past week. I feel better today, but I'm scared that I might lapse again into another bad phase.

I'm scared that my really terrible attacks begin again in the future. I don't want that, and I want to just keep moving forward without looking back. I don't want to feel afraid of my anxiety and depression. I really just want to be free.

Hi Eunice, welcome to pc. I hope you feel comfortable here, it is a great place to vent some of your anxiety and share and help others. I hope you find healthy ways to cope with the anxiety. Sometimes we need to do something with it. I find making myself busy with dishes or cleaning will help.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Would your parents be willing to pay for just one visit to a psychiatrist? If he prescribes meds, a lot of pharmaceutical companies have patient assistance programs where the medication is little to no money. We're here to support you. Continue posting and let us know how you are. Good luck and best wishes.