A few Measly Steps a Day

Thank you delightful!

For what it's worth, R, I think your inner critic is full of !#$!%!$@!. I'm constantly impressed by what you've accomplished.

Me - I accomplished all my goals except that I didn't finish the laundry yet.

My critic has the same things to say about me. Coincidence?????

I'm having a lot of fun with my writing now. I'm almost at the end, and I'm about to write a part where the characters admit to what they've done. It needs to be well written. It could easily be sloshy and overly sentimental. A published author (I don't remember her name.) said that her first draft is the scaffolding. It's necessary for building the home, but, you're not going to leave it up. You're going to tear it down after the house is built. She throws out her first draft and then completely rewrites the story. I'm not that brave, I won't throw out the scaffolding until the house is completed, but I do an awful lot of editing.

Good wishes to you both, R and SprinkL3 and anyone else who reads this.

Oh, thanks all for the luv and hugs. There's my Inner Stopper, the older sibling of my Inner Critics. Criticism ALWAYS follows accomplishment. Another sibling is the Inner Saboteur. Criticism alone would be enough to handle, but the Saboteur goes into the Real World and mucks it up.

The Game now is reeling into choice and awareness what happens post accomplishment (I'll use wins from here out because accomplishment is too long). Not all Wins creates any whiplash from the Inner Critic or Saboteur. That's fascinating all by itself and a real clue. When doesn't the dog bark? (To steal the key to the "Silver Blaze" Sherlock Holmes story).

It's like fishing, for sure. I got it hooked now on the end of the line of my awareness. It's twisting and struggling, sometimes a tick or 2 closer and I carefully notch the reel. Sometimes breaching the surface, most of the time underwater.

What are the Wins that get a yawn from the inner C/Ss? I've always been caution with alcohol and other drugs, never took up smoking, and zero recovery stories to tell. I guess I'm 67, almost 68 years in recovery. Yawn.

I pay all my bills on time, the mortgage is paid off, the 2nd mortgage deal just expired, and since childhood if I got a dollar I could save a nickel.

One period, when I had a steady paycheck, I began putting $128 a month into a mutual fund. This time period almost exactly matched one of the longest bull markets in history. I got into cash before the crash and used part of the money on the down payment for our home.

My parents divorced, neither of my brothers managed any long term relationships, yet I've been with my partner for 39 years.

Inner C/S: Stop Already! You're boring us to death.

Me: To death?

I C/S: Well, no, but into suspended animation!

Revu2

I have "inner critics" that sometimes sound like yours. I have DID, so they are in the form of alternate personalities. My T has worked with some of them, and she accepted them. They weren't expecting her to accept them. My T says that they use those criticisms as a way to protect - even though it doesn't feel like protection to us. It's a way to help us not to feel the full weight of betrayal trauma, or the full weight of social injustices, or the full weight of feeling completely and utterly helpless. But their internalized words are from the source of abuse, trauma, and/or pain. Their internalized words from the perpetrators, abusers, and more have now infiltrated our minds, memories, thoughts, emotions, and introspection. Such internalization is distorted and harmful, not fact-based or protective.

But our defenses (as maladaptive as they could be) could be turned around to being better protectors. Instead of fighting ourselves, blaming ourselves (which, during childhood trauma, kids most often blame themselves, so it's no wonder we learned that and kept that going in adulthood), and feeling powerless; we could learn a few steps - maybe small steps - to counter those negative thoughts. We could learn how to find ways to direct the anger and pain we feel toward the source - the perpetrators, the need for activism, the need for social justice, the need for awareness, artwork that describes our internal pain, journals that describe why it's more painful to admit that it wasn't our fault and instead someone else's, etc.

The small step here would be to acknowledge that the part of you who has internalized all that pain holds those memories of that pain, and that itself is a defense, a protection of sorts, even though it doesn't feel like it. The first step is to acknowledge how that part of yourself needs love and care, because it never got it. That's what my T showed me and that part of me, every time she accepted that part, and every time that part got mad at her and challenged her. She was kind to that part, and she was stern at times when the part got out of hand, but she still worked with the part. The part is now doing better and learning better ways. Your part can, too, but we first have to see how hurt the part is and why the part is reacting so strongly.

What you wrote is really helpful. Thank you, SprinkL3

My computer caught a virus. I think I took care of it by powering off the computer, but it still seems to show up on Google. I'm using Firefox - so far so good. It's the one that tells you, "don't turn off your computer. Call this number." If you ever get it, don't call the number and turn off your computer.

I'm reading about horrible flooding in Washington and British Columbia. Is everyone all right?


Thanks for the hugs SprinkL3.


We did a drum circle yesterday. I loved it.


I'm writing up a storm. I hope the streak continues.

My few steps today is to update my logins online (i.e., my passwords). I have a spreadsheet with hints (not the exact PWs) that I utilize whenever I update each online account. It takes me a while to do, but my alumni and other educational accounts often require PW changes every 6 months, so I decide to change all of my PWs every six months to keep things as consistent as possible. Given my brain fog, I adjust to changes better when things are more consistent, and when changes occur methodically (as opposed to impulsively, like the seemingly rapid impulse decisions we've seen with the CDC and FDA and other governmental changes during this pandemic). I try to take my time and embrace the changes slowly, and do what I can to find safety while changing some of my routine.

Hello World. No flooding here around Seattle. It's a luck thing.

These virus things are too annoying. I think that same one appeared on my browser and I did what you did, turned off everything, restarted and then ran my virus check.

SprinKl3, If I may, I think you have a couple of ways to make your life easier around passwords. You may know that there are apps for tracking passwords, which you need a password to open. I happen to use password wallet, but there are many like this.

Another is that most browsers, I know Firefox does a great job, also keep a list of your passwords. You can find them under the preferences > security or some such tabs.

A third options is save your spreadsheet with password protection. Tap file, and near the bottom of the menu look for password ...

I'm adjusting to having another person back home. Mostly good, and rest is about adjusting. I really understand today out of some misguided need to help me feel disappointed before the world disappoints me, she cannot accept I want her first reaction to any of my new ideas to be positive. This works down even to the level of conversation as she's constantly "editing" my general way of speaking to more specifics, and the like.

Just listened to Whitney Cummings's podcast with David Sedaris. David said he's very careful with the first time he shares a new story he's written. He gets an intuitions about the audience and only when he feels a particular audience will be receptive will he read it that first time.

I have other people I can share new ideas with.

Sad, but it preserves my emotions and likely the other working aspects of this relationship. Better sad than mad, preserve the glad.

Revu2

I'm glad you're safe and dry, R.


I identify with what you both wrote about critics. For me and my writing, when I'm working on my first drafts, I just want to know that I'm wonderful. When I'm getting close to publishing, I need to know what the weak points are. I hate it. I don't want to hear what's wrong with what I've written, but I have to know what to fix before it gets published, not after.


I'm getting a fair amount of writing done, which is good,

I'm having people over the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I haven't hosted anything for a long time, so it's a bit of a challenge for me.


Good wishes to both of you.


I'm going to take a shower, do a Twitter post (which is also a challenge) and call it a day.

@ Revu2 - Thank you!

Hi thread, just needed to upgrade my mac operating system because ... turbotax demanded it. Which they do every couple of years which I hate doing but less than I want any tax data out there on the cloud, so I do the deed.

As a result now I have a true 64-bit system (Monterey on Macs) which kicks to the corner a few of my 32-bit apps like Inspiration mindmaps and Alphasmart keyboard.

It happens we've kept a Mac plus a couple of laptops about for just this eventuality. It all began to get annoying when Apple tied a bell around Clarisworks/Appleworks and sent it wandering into the lonely desert in search of other "unsupported" programs. Recalls to mind dealing with a scofflaw spouse after a messy divorce who stops sending child support & alimony.

As it so happens, I was tooling around with an online free mindmap app called Coggle yesterday. Some intuition tickling my fingers?

SprinKL3, you're welcome.

Revu2

I'm a PC gal (and have Dell computers - one laptop, one desktop). I only have an iPhone, but I kind of prefer Android (like Motorola or something).

I do want to learn how to be efficient at both, or to create my own "vanilla machine." I wonder if it is too late for me to learn programming languages. When I was 18, and we're talking 29 years ago, I placed in a computer science course that taught Fortran, Pascal, and C++. I wound up dropping that class and going in a different direction. Now I wish I could have focused on computer science, statistics, and math back then. I would have rather done that than what I got myself into over the years. Life would have been way better for me. At 47, however, I think it might be too late.

You both mention evolving technology and changing passwords, and change in general. I hate it! If I were twenty, I'd love it. I always wanted to learn new things. Now I just want to be able to work with what I know. I have to laugh. On my first day of college, I was afraid that I'd learn everything, and there wouldn't be anything new to learn. I figured out soon after that that wouldn't ever be a problem.

My writing has slowed down - partly because I've been cooking after-Thanksgiving dinner and inviting a friend over for after-after-Thanksgiving lunch., and partly because I've hit a place in my writing where I'm having trouble finding the words. I have three thousand words left to write for my Nanowrimo challenge. I can do that if I can get over my writing glitch.

Good luck to you both.

Have you tried reading Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" book? She offers tips for writer's block. It requires writing anything and everything that comes to mind - typos and all. This helps with the creative process. Once you do your "Morning Pages" for a while, it will help you to find the words. You can also take breaks and read, enjoy nature, watch some shows, do artwork, until you have exactly the next idea to write about and finish your writing challenge.

Good luck!

Honestly, I don't trust those programs that keep all of my passwords in some vault. So I change up my passwords in my own unique ways, and I leave myself hints that only I can understand in a spreadsheet. I'm 47 and too old to do all that stuff, though I seriously wished that I could learn the ins and outs of networking and programming so that I'd trust programs like password vaults more. Right now, I don't have enough knowledge to make an informed decision.

Why?

Because this weekend someone used my phone number on their Apple order, and I received a text stating that my order (which I never placed) was ready to be picked up. I contacted the Apple store to indicate that I never placed the order. I contacted the FTC to file a fraud activity that was used with my phone via a text message I had received. I contacted the BBB to inform them that I received various answers from various Apple representatives (one at the store, one online, and one horrible lady in C/S that I was accidentally transferred to), which included one cancelling the order and making the lady reorder the item once she showed up in the store or otherwise, one that stated that the person who used to have my number accidentally used it to place this order (even though Apple, the company, should have validated and verified the number before sending me an unwanted text, if that were truly the case and not some spoofing hoax), and yet another who said that the lady with the old phone number who placed the order was the victim and not me - of which I dissociated and told her where to go before hanging up on her. I also contacted my phone carrier to inform them about the potential fraudulent activities, and how I've been receiving numerous unwanted spam calls and texts, and how the app wasn't working to block them. They finally fixed it, but that took me deleting and then reinstalling the app because of some glitch on their end. The technology is there, but the functionalities are not always on par with user-friendly needs. Ugh - not a simple task at all. Very taxing, stressful, and time-consuming. It took me a few hours (half my day) to complete that because of unwanted texts, which took away from my day and worsened my mental health. It also partly ruined my holiday weekend - as I'm alone anyways, but who needs a retraumatization scare about possible identity theft when I've experienced it as a veteran many times in my past because veterans are often targets of data breaches and the like. I'm sick of having spoofed this, hacked that, money stolen, etc. It's driving me insane, and then to be told by companies covering their asses that I'm wrong in reporting fraud, when that is exactly what is within my rights to do from the FTC, etc. I contacted the BBB to ensure me that the order placed with my phone number was cancelled and that the cancellation wasn't rescinded by that nasty C/S rep I was transferred to in the end.

So a few easy steps took multiple few manageable steps and lots of trauma processing because identity theft is NOT a victimless crime, and it does lead to PTSD or worsening PTSD when being a polyvictim, and blaming victims and victim-shaming only adds to the trauma that I had to experience over the holiday weekend when people politically do their Black Friday shopping, which includes many risks, including identity theft among one of the many environmental pathogens out there based on human behavior and belief systems.

I'm so done being the responsible victim in charge of watching, fighting, protecting, avoiding, etc., etc., etc.

It's not a matter of a few measly steps because it takes an effing lifetime to manage PTSD that never goes away in a cruel world that takes, rapes, and hates.

Yuck work, indeed, SprinKL3, just the pits. I get from your tone that one of the most galling things is all these companies (and the FTC, and other supposed low enforcers) really can't be bothered to give a yawn.

Seems like everyone everywhere exist on autopilot, doesn't it? I've been asked by people who ought to care why I care so much!? Eh, sorry —Why do they care so little. Add the insult of a company collecting our hard cash or the government collecting our hard cash (alias—taxes) not caring.

So, rant early, rant hard, & rant often :: Get it out and through.

Revu2

@Revu2 - we all could use a safe cyber hug at this moment. ((((safe hugs))))

Oh, SprikL3, thank you for stepping up. It does seem that modern technology has as many drawbacks as benefits. I've had similar problems. Once, I reported fraud to the police, they asked if I lost any money. I hadn't so they said to delete the offending post and move on. They can't prosecute unless I've actually been robbed. Which is true. I've worked for law enforcement (environmental) and I know that the district attorney has to have a good case or he/she can't do anything with it. But . . . My latest trouble - I get three or four emails a day which are advertisements. The UNSUBSCRIBE button is the link to the virus. I'm okay if I don't confirm the unsubsccribe, and McAfee warns me if the unsubscribe is risky, but I didn't know that at first, and accidently hit the second unsubscribe - see my post of a couple of weeks ago. I've gotten a lot of emails similar to yours, SprinkL3. They tell me my credit card was declined, or that I've ordered something I didn't, It's turning me into a very grouchy individual.

I visited a friend who was having a difficult time the other day. We sat and talked for a few minutes, and then she told me that she had a bad cold!!!!! She was going to get a COID test the next day. Meanwhile, she was sneezing and coughing up a storm. So I'm laying low - trying to stay away from people for a couple of weeks. I'm not scared, and I know I'm probably being overly cautious. I wore a mask, used sanitizer after I left her apartment, immediately took a shower and washed the clothes I was wearing. And I've been vaccinated. So the odds of me catching anything are low. Still I have a lot of friends with delicate health. And I'd hate to be responsible for spreading anything. I have a COVID test kit at home, so if I absolutely have to go out, I can use it that day to check whether I'm contagious or not.

I reached my Nanowrimo writing goal (Yay!)

I'm trying to learn Twitter. I can tweet, and I did send out a couple of tweets. My next step is to figure out Bit.ly. It's a way to shorten a link so that I can fit it on Twitter. The link takes the reader to Amazon where he/she can buy my books. So that's my next goal.

Happy stepping, everyone.