Descending into Psychosis - but I want to make my dreams come true!

I'm sorry I have not kept up on this thread. My life has continued to bring numerous unexpected challenges. Since the last post on this thread the following have occured:

- I did indeed accept the job as a grocery store produce clerk. I work between 30-32 hours a week, 2 days on, 1 day off, 2 days on, 2 days off. I work mostly closing shifts, usually closing the department on my own. It involves mostly restocking fresh produce and answering customer inquiries about product availability and locations. I'm getting slightly more than minimum wage for my region. The store is close enough that I can walk there in 45 minutes when I have to (which is 2-3 times every other week). It's a fairly fast paced job most of the time because our location is very high demand and something of a specialty farmers market for people who are into farm-fresh products and care about sourcing.
- My aunt passed away from cancer. More specifically, she passed away from the taxation of the chemo regiment, which even that was not enough to stop the aggressive cancer. The impact this has had on the mental health of me and my family cannot be understated: it has been truly devastating and life-altering for all of us.
- My grandfather continues to decline in health, and we are expecting him to pass soon.
- My parents, especially my father, are showing major signs of physical and mental exhaustion due to the demands placed on them by their special needs children.
- Just yesterday my dad told me he has had a hernia for a long time, as well as a number of other health complications due to his age and lifestyle habits, and he is going to need to take serious action to prevent them from escalating further. He is deeply worried about his own health due to the death of his sister and declining health of his parents. He plans to take off several weeks of work to heal from an upcoming surgery to address the hernia.

To address questions from Tart Cherry:

How do you define psychosis?

I would define it as a mental state wherein thought patterns and associated behaviors are driven by an assumption that ideas and experiences confabulated in the mind are equivalent to objective reality, even when no reasonable or rational evidence exists to support it, especially when such confabulations appear to arise randomly without a clear cause.

What makes you think you are descending into psychosis?

This is a difficult question to answer in precise terms because that would rely on a level of nuance and specificity in writing I don't think I possess. There are parts of my psyche that mutate as a direct consequence of being observed, which makes it near impossible to ever adequately convey them as they change before I can put them into words.

How are you paying for your therapy if you are unemployed with no income?

The therapist I currently see has agreed to pro-bono services, which were originally provided through the group she worked under. Since that time she left that group and started her own private care practice, but she says she will continue to provide pro-bono services because she understands the situation I'm going through. However I have some concern she will not be able to maintain this agreement, given certain challenges she has been facing.

Additionally, my state provides basic health insurance through medicaid for people in my financial situation. As long as my income remains below a certain level, I am entitled to certain healthcare benefits. The psych eval I had before was paid for this way.

Why aren't you on the job market?

I didn't feel confident in my ability to provide a consistent professional commitment to an employer given all the restrictions I have been facing. The position I am currently occupying as a produce clerk is really the only one I could think of that works within my current mental, physical, familial, and financial constraints. However I have recently started trying to refresh my programming skills, though I have found it very difficult and I am not confident they are up to par with any employer's expectations and requirements.

You have to understand that my whole family seems to be dying. Everyone I have ever loved and cared about or depended on seems to be facing tremendous and frequently life-threatening hardship. The mental and emotional overhead of comprehending that has been nothing less than paralyzing.