Descending into Psychosis - but I want to make my dreams come true!

I have reason to believe that I am descending into some form of psychosis due to probable genetic predisposition and years of trauma and stress. I am starting to feel the weight of my mortality, and I feel that I don't have much time left before I lose opportunities to realize life long dreams that I have had since I was young. Basically I feel like I can see the end of my life on the horizon and I am deeply saddened and disappointed that so many major things in my life never happened, and I'm just going to be cast into oblivion with all my regrets far outweighing my achievements, and most of my achievements losing their value.

I'm not married, have no children, and I am about to turn 36. But with everything that has happened to me and my family over my lifetime--especially in the past 2-3 years--I feel like I could be 70 by now. It has been an absolute ****-show. So many people have suffered life-threatening, life-changing, agonizing health complications, traumatic interpersonal drama, neglect, major financial loss...its just been shockingly, jaw-droppingly awful for so long. And there is no sign of it slowing down.

I feel so completely derailed and confused. I have a strong feeling that its my responsibility to stay with my family (parents, siblings, aunts, nieces/nephews) and do whatever I can to support them all through all the horribleness that keeps happening because they have helped me in the past, and they need all the help they can get. But at the same time...I honestly kind of resent them for putting me in this situation. As tragic and stressful as the circumstances have been, many members of my family have been frequently intolerable and occasionally abusive, and if I'm being honest, I feel like some of what is happening now could have been avoided if they had made better choices, and its aggravating that I have this sense of obligation to help them through all this when at least some of it they brought onto themselves, because it means I have to give up my life-long desires because of other people's decisions.

I don't know how to resolve this conflict. The things I want to do with my life are mutually exclusive of supporting my family as long as *** keeps hitting the fan for them. If I stay and help I will forever regret that I didn't pursue my dreams. If I put full effort into going after what I want then I'll feel forever guilty and remorseful for not having stayed and provided what I could, until I become numb to those feelings, and I know at least some of them will judge and condemn me for it. Plus, I don't know what I would do if something happened to any of them and I wasn't there.

It feels like right now I'm more defaulting to staying and helping out. But this partly comes from feeling like maybe I don't have what it takes to pursue my dreams because of my own shortcomings and failures, and I am afraid of wasting my energy or taking ineffectual, dangerous risks trying,

I know that some of my peers have had to make sacrifices in their dreams or careers in order to come back to take care of relatives they left behind. But usually that is temporary. In my case, though, I have no reason to believe things are going to get better.

Sorry you are going through such struggles. I have found help through supportive people in my life while also seeing mental health professionals and taking meds.

I hope you are doing okay today and be kind to yourself.

I don't really have anyone in my life who I can trust and who isn't part of the issues I'm currently struggling with. Everyone in my family is part of the problem I'm trying to overcome, or they're overwhelmed with problems of their own and they don't have the mental or emotional bandwidth, or there are major incompatibilities between our values and beliefs and general perspectives where they just don't understand what I'm dealing with.

As far as mental health, I have been moving from one therapist to the next for years trying to find help with all the difficult situations I keep facing but none of them ever seem to know what to say or do. The most they will do is basically just sit and listen and encourage me to talk more about whatever the latest difficulty has been, and occasionally offer generic suggestions, or ask clarifying questions. It's mostly just me dumping the latest difficulty onto them and getting blank stares back or "I feel so sorry for you."

It's like every time I find a therapist who seems to be able to specialize in whatever issue is going on, something new happens that is outside their gamut. It's also so hard to find a therapist I can trust and who will see me, and I'm tired of having to restart the therapy process. I have lost track of all the therapists I've gone through over the past 10-15 years.

I am cautiously approaching other types of mental help professionals, but past attempts have always met with issues. I have yet to find one who makes me feel safe and heard. I am also unemployed and have no income, and that makes it difficult to have access to the help I need.

Yeah, I had therapists through the years and the one I see now is really good for my situation. Same with my pdoc and adjusting my meds. I go to support meetings to talk with people, also.

I meditate now while I go through a morning routine of positive things to remember. That's how I start my day and it helps me start off the right foot.

Do you have any hobbies or interests to help you relax?

Oh yeah, what I never learned before is too focus on the solution to the problem instead of focusing on the problem itself. I write down the problem, do some research and ask myself if or what might be the solution, as well as talk with my therapist.


Well, I hope you can find some help and stay strong.

@GeneralRelative, you are probably a difficult patient for therapists because of your high intellectual capabilities and expectations. Regarding psychosis, of course we cannot diagnose on here, but just to let you know that from what you have written so far, you only exhibit a general existential crisis; there is no evidence of delusions. How do you define psychosis? What makes you believe that you are descending into psychosis? What symptoms are you having? You wrote about multiple therapists in the past 10-15 years, but do you have a medical prescriber? If indeed you are entering psychosis, you need a prescriber. How are you paying for your therapy if you are unemployed with no income? Do you have savings? Do you have health insurance? Can you afford a psychiatry? Why aren't you on the job market? Is it because you need to help your relatives full time?

These are some questions that your posts raise for me.

Thank you for this thoughtful and helpful reply. I intend to give it the the full consideration and response it deserves. I will reply later when I have had an adequate opportunity. However there is a high chance I will be taking a new job in the next week or so at a local grocery store produce department. I don't know how that will work out, so...stand by.

I'm sorry I have not kept up on this thread. My life has continued to bring numerous unexpected challenges. Since the last post on this thread the following have occured:

- I did indeed accept the job as a grocery store produce clerk. I work between 30-32 hours a week, 2 days on, 1 day off, 2 days on, 2 days off. I work mostly closing shifts, usually closing the department on my own. It involves mostly restocking fresh produce and answering customer inquiries about product availability and locations. I'm getting slightly more than minimum wage for my region. The store is close enough that I can walk there in 45 minutes when I have to (which is 2-3 times every other week). It's a fairly fast paced job most of the time because our location is very high demand and something of a specialty farmers market for people who are into farm-fresh products and care about sourcing.
- My aunt passed away from cancer. More specifically, she passed away from the taxation of the chemo regiment, which even that was not enough to stop the aggressive cancer. The impact this has had on the mental health of me and my family cannot be understated: it has been truly devastating and life-altering for all of us.
- My grandfather continues to decline in health, and we are expecting him to pass soon.
- My parents, especially my father, are showing major signs of physical and mental exhaustion due to the demands placed on them by their special needs children.
- Just yesterday my dad told me he has had a hernia for a long time, as well as a number of other health complications due to his age and lifestyle habits, and he is going to need to take serious action to prevent them from escalating further. He is deeply worried about his own health due to the death of his sister and declining health of his parents. He plans to take off several weeks of work to heal from an upcoming surgery to address the hernia.

To address questions from Tart Cherry:

How do you define psychosis?

I would define it as a mental state wherein thought patterns and associated behaviors are driven by an assumption that ideas and experiences confabulated in the mind are equivalent to objective reality, even when no reasonable or rational evidence exists to support it, especially when such confabulations appear to arise randomly without a clear cause.

What makes you think you are descending into psychosis?

This is a difficult question to answer in precise terms because that would rely on a level of nuance and specificity in writing I don't think I possess. There are parts of my psyche that mutate as a direct consequence of being observed, which makes it near impossible to ever adequately convey them as they change before I can put them into words.

How are you paying for your therapy if you are unemployed with no income?

The therapist I currently see has agreed to pro-bono services, which were originally provided through the group she worked under. Since that time she left that group and started her own private care practice, but she says she will continue to provide pro-bono services because she understands the situation I'm going through. However I have some concern she will not be able to maintain this agreement, given certain challenges she has been facing.

Additionally, my state provides basic health insurance through medicaid for people in my financial situation. As long as my income remains below a certain level, I am entitled to certain healthcare benefits. The psych eval I had before was paid for this way.

Why aren't you on the job market?

I didn't feel confident in my ability to provide a consistent professional commitment to an employer given all the restrictions I have been facing. The position I am currently occupying as a produce clerk is really the only one I could think of that works within my current mental, physical, familial, and financial constraints. However I have recently started trying to refresh my programming skills, though I have found it very difficult and I am not confident they are up to par with any employer's expectations and requirements.

You have to understand that my whole family seems to be dying. Everyone I have ever loved and cared about or depended on seems to be facing tremendous and frequently life-threatening hardship. The mental and emotional overhead of comprehending that has been nothing less than paralyzing.