[william1971]

From the time I was a teenager I remember not really having the best of luck with the opposite sex. I was skinny and had long hair. Up to about 14-15 years of age I decided to tell myself, "Girls are just not interested in me". From then on I made it a point to withdraw myself from them, seeing as I had it in my mind that I was going to get rejected anyway.

Now, I'm an adult and in my 30's and the mere statement that I started telling myself as a teenager seemed to have manifested itself into something bigger. I made it a point to keep myself from getting hurt so much that I've completely shut myself off from the opposite sex. I recently started to notice that not only do I Withdraw myself from woman but have a hard time opening up to them. I feel worried, panicky, and anxious when I start to develop feelings for someone.

Now that I've recognized the self sabotage that I've created, what steps do I need to take to turn it around and start opening myself up and start building healthy relationships? Can anyone offer some sound advice for me?

[thalia2]

I wonder if this isn't really a social anxiety issue. You might want to try posting there too to see if other people have ideas.

A mixed group therapy is a good option for starting to explore these feelings.

I think you've already really laid some good groundwork down already in analyzing how your phobia has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It *is* hard to have normal, natural relationships with anyone when you have so much anxiety getting in the way.

One thing I've noticed when people have trouble dealing with the opposite sex is that they tend to be lumpers - to make sweeping generalizations: " 'women' don't like me. " 'Men' are insensitive." People with generalized social anxiety might think that way about people in general: "I'm not good with 'people.' " " 'People' are judgemental." Whatever.

The problem with this kind of thinking is not only does it lump totally different kinds of people into one monolithic group, but it makes it really hard to identify with any one individual. And it makes you think of every interaction, every relationship as representative of EVERY woman or EVERY person, all future and past relationships. So the pressure can become immense. If one woman reacts badly to me, that becomes evidence that "women" don't like me. If she reacts badly ONCE that's evidence that she will always react badly, and all women will, forever.

The truth is, no matter who you are, every woman - every person - will respond to you differently. Some percentage of women will get along with you almost no matter what, some percentage will like you in some situations at different times, and not in others, some percentage will dislike you almost no matter what. The percentages may vary depending on if you're George Clooney, an average guy, or Charles Manson, but basically that's the way it is for everyone. There's no all or nothing.

Ultimately, relating to anyone - any man or any woman - and learning to be comfortable with yourself is just practice, practice, practice. If you've been avoiding all women you haven't had practice and every small interaction becomes so much more loaded, awkward and frightening. Small things become blown way out of proportion.

Just start talking more to women. If it's women you're attracted to who frighten you, start opening up a little to women who you aren't so attracted to and who don't intimidate you so much, and just see what you have in common. Mention the weather to a cashier. Mention something a little more personal than you normally would to a woman you work with. Whatever. The more experiences you have the easier each one will be. The goal is to have enough interactions that you start seeing women as individuals, some friends, some not, some you like, some you don't as much. Some you can talk to, others you have a harder time relating to. Some who like you, others not so much. Which will allow you to start building more intimate relationships.

Originally Posted by william1971

From the time I was a teenager I remember not really having the best of luck with the opposite sex. I was skinny and had long hair. Up to about 14-15 years of age I decided to tell myself, "Girls are just not interested in me". From then on I made it a point to withdraw myself from them, seeing as I had it in my mind that I was going to get rejected anyway.

Now, I'm an adult and in my 30's and the mere statement that I started telling myself as a teenager seemed to have manifested itself into something bigger. I made it a point to keep myself from getting hurt so much that I've completely shut myself off from the opposite sex. I recently started to notice that not only do I Withdraw myself from woman but have a hard time opening up to them. I feel worried, panicky, and anxious when I start to develop feelings for someone.

Now that I've recognized the self sabotage that I've created, what steps do I need to take to turn it around and start opening myself up and start building healthy relationships? Can anyone offer some sound advice for me?

[Perna]

Just do the "opposite" of what you did. You need "practice" with interacting with women so just say hello to store clerks, librarians, etc. and ask them how their day is going or comment on the weather, easy interactions with women you see in the normal course of your day and then gradually get "favorites" you can ask a bit more personal questions of easily, like, how much longer is their shift? and otherwise respond to anything they say to you (about what you're buying, talk about recipes, favorite foods, authors and when their next books are out, movies/TV, etc.). Eventually you'll be somewhere and take the chance to ask a woman out or ask can you sit at her table in a crowded eatery, etc. If you get a few friendly male coworkers you might go out with them afterwards to a party or to eat, have a beer, etc. and they might know someone you can meet/talk to, etc. Just work to be around people more. As my stepmother use to remind me, no one was going to come beat down my apartment door to meet me :-) Go out lots of different places and practice interacting with everyone so it gets easier then concentrate a bit more on women, etc.

[dcandy]

I'm a male in my 40's with a wife and two children. I have a similar problem with trusting males.